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@janellebelovedpig @thearcaneaxiom @keilah-h @mineralizedwritings @esther-c @acancello @freedomwriter76 @anyone-else-and-the-people-I’m-probably-forgetting 😅
Okay, y’all, so I know this is kinda long (and also I have way to many novel ideas), but this is the first chapter to a book I’ve been thinking about. So… I figured I’d just share it to get an idea of how to move forward. I don’t know if I jumped in too quickly, but it seemed awkward when I tried taking it slow, so we’ll see how it goes over. 🙂
Chapter 1
Kirah fingered the hilt of her blade, waiting for the Eclipse patrol to return. They were late, and while she knew it was probably because they were goofing off, fear still gripped her. Others would wave it off as silly. What could happen to them on Illura? The dragons couldn’t just attack from nowhere. But people like Kirah argued that they had wings, and could easily flap their way across the sea for a midnight snack, even if they had to make it through the crimson fog. After all, the ocean in between their islands stretched just shy of a hundred miles wide. That kind of flight for a dragon would be nothing.
She stood in a low valley surrounded by three large hills, each covered in ankle-high grass that, as usual, was damp with dew. Her cloak blew out behind her in the evening wind, and stars glittered in the heavens, light small embers around the moons’ fiery orange light. Tonight two moons shone in the sky, one a light shade of gray and one orange like dragon flame. They were called Wulf and Fyre.
A twig snapped from the other side of the tall hill. Kirah gripped the hilt of her sword and waited. Either the patrol had returned, or they had been found out. The valley was in a good position to enter the base in secret, but no one could see what lurked on the outside of the valley, making it difficult to know who approached. Her job, at least at this time of night, was to watch and see who came and went.
Kirah let out a sigh of relief as Elryn crested the hill, followed by the rest of the Eclipse patrol. He grinned at the look on her face. “Miss me that much?”
She raised an eyebrow. “Oh, don’t flatter yourself. I’m just glad you’re not a fire-breathing beast, that’s all.”
Kirah turned and pulled a key from the inner pocket of her cloak, pushing it into the lock on the door in the ground, almost invisible in the tall grass. She twisted it until she heard a click, then lifted up the heavy door with a grunt, letting it fall to the ground beside the hole. She and Elryn waited as six boys and girls dropped down into the hole, descending a ladder to the entry hall. Elryn glanced around.
“Nothing suspicious?” he asked after a moment.
Kirah shook her head, then smiled. “Just you,” she said. “I guess my job is done for the night. Sleep sounds really good just about now.”
Elryn nodded. “Yes, but sleep is a long time coming for me. I planned to join Rollan and the others in sword fighting, if they are still awake.”
Kirah laughed. “You know very well they will be. Those boys rarely sleep.” She sighed and stretched. “I guess I will come with you, at least for a while. It will take my mind off of tonight’s chill.”
She dropped down the hole and caught a rung of the ladder, climbing down. After a moment, Elryn dropped down, accompanied by a muffled thump, the door coming back down above him. Together they walked down the tunnel, taking several turns before emerging in a large corridor. Flickering light came from an open doorway several steps ahead on the right, a room they called the Arena, though it didn’t resemble one. Elryn quickened his pace and walked inside, and she followed.
“Elryn!” Rollan welcomed him. “And Kirah! About time you got here.”
Unlike Elryn’s light blonde hair, Rollan’s hair was jet black. The other three kids in the room, each bearing a sword, had fiery red hair and green eyes. The siblings always looked like they were up to something, and they usually were. Leif and Banner, who were twins, were identical besides a small scar under Banner’s eye from when they’d been too rough in sword fighting. Cora, of course, had longer hair, and enjoyed swords as much as her brothers did, though she became shy around most people. If Kirah remembered correctly, she was just over a year older than her brothers.
“Nice to see you too, Rollan,” Kirah said with a grin.
Rollan shrugged. “Ah, well, get out that sword. We need some real fighting today!”
Elryn pointed at him. “Remember the rules. We aren’t actually stabbing each other.”
“I know, I know,” Rollan said, waving a hand dismissively. “That last time was just an accident.”
Leif rolled his eyes and held up his arm, with a bandage wrapped around it near his shoulder. “That accident hurt.”
Kirah drew her sword and blinked her tired eyes rapidly, shaking her head. Cora came up to her, a book in her hand, as usual. “Long shift?”
“Something like that,” Kirah replied. “I haven’t slept well lately. It’s like I have too much to think about. Which is strange, because nothing out of the ordinary has happened, besides a few patrols being late or early.”
Cora thought for a moment. They’d all been kind of tense lately, with more and more correspondence between human and dragon kind. The society- their “underground” as they liked to call it, was fittingly named the Dragonbane society. They vowed to be prepared when the dragons came, which seemed silly to the rest of the people. But Kirah knew what dragons could do. Flashes of fire returned to her mind, from a long, long, time ago. Dragons were dangerous, and they had no place in Illura. And humans had no place in Brimstone.
“Maybe playing around with a sword will help,” Cora said finally, jabbing at Kirah playfully. “Come on, I bet I can beat you.”
Kirah shrugged, a grin creeping across her face. “We’ll see.”
Leif laughed. “Cora, you know you can’t beat Kirah. I never want to be at the end of her sword in a battle.” He grinned and winked at Kirah. “That’s why I stay on her good side.”
“You do, do you?” Kirah laughed. “I guess that’s fair. You don’t have to worry, though. I don’t want to really fight any humans.” She sighed. “It’s the dragons we need to be worried about. Fire, teeth, claws, wings, horns, tail… You never know what might hit you.”
Banner stretched and yawned. “I don’t know how they keep track of it all. I can hardly keep track of my arms and legs. With all that stuff on top of it, I think I’d forget about something. It’s like having three extra limbs, except two can make you fly and the other is a whole lot longer.”
Kirah regripped the hilt of her sword with one hand, spreading her feet apart. “Alright. Who’s first?”
Cora nodded over at Rollan. “It’s his turn, I think.”
Rollan stepped into the center of the room and drew his black hood over his head, blocking his eyes from view. “Ready when you are.”
After a few seconds of staring him down, he leapt to the right, sword gripped in his hand. It made her nervous sometimes to fight him, as he held the sword in his left hand. However, he favored certain moves. Right now it would be a faint- when she dodged away, he would propel himself to the left. So instead she stepped over to meet him at the right, and when he tried to anticipate her move, she simply turned and kicked the sword’s hilt from his hand, sending it clattering across the floor. He stumbled a few steps before regaining his balance, looking back at her with wide eyes.
“How- what-” he stuttered.
Leif made a tsk noise. “Every time, Rollan. She read you like a book. Try something new.”
Rollan rubbed a hand through his hair and knelt to retrieve his blade. “I guess I might just have to.”
Kirah rolled her shoulders and turned to face Cora, who spun her blade around, passing it deftly between her hands. Her actions were quick, inconsistent. While it made her unpredictable, minor mistakes dotted each of her moves, as they were always something different that she yearned to try. She posed more of a threat than Rollan, to be sure, but Kirah hadn’t lost to her yet.
This time Kirah moved first, clashing her sword against Cora’s to stop its quick motion. Cora spread her feet apart and shoved Kirah backwards, but as she did, Kirah swung her sword back around, hitting the hilt of the sword above Cora’s hand. She yelped and jumped backwards, and Leif laughed hysterically. Shooting a glare at her brother, Cora rushed forward and swung her sword into Kirah’s, the ring of sword on sword echoing through the room. Kirah ducked, about to go to sweep her leg, when a bright light flashed in her vision.
Before her stood a beast with leathery wings and tar black scales. Yellow, slitted eyes stared right into hers as a massive tail flicked behind him. His mouth twisted into a smirk and he stretched his neck out towards her. Ah, there you are.
Kirah hardly had time to think before she felt her head hit the ground, and she was flat on her back in the underground, blinking up at Cora. Her friend pointed her sword down and smiled triumphantly, then stepped back and cocked her head, raising an eyebrow. “You okay, Kirah?”
Kirah rubbed the back of her head with a wince. “Yeah, I think so. I guess I just lost focus there for a second.”Cora sheathed her sword and helped Kirah to her feet. “That doesn’t sound like you.”
“It doesn’t,” Elryn agreed. “Just a minute ago you beat Rollan, no problem.”
Kirah shrugged. “I guess I’m just tired.” She grabbed her sword off the ground and thrust it into its sheath. “I think I’m going to go get some rest.”
Cora and Elryn exchanged worried looks, but finally nodded. “Alright,” Cora said. “See you in the morning, then.”
Kirah nodded and walked swiftly out of the room, feeling the quick beat of her heart. What had happened? Had she seen a dragon? What else could it be? Why would she randomly see a dragon so real when she’d never really seen one? The questions bounced around her mind, almost too fast to catch. His words echoed in her thoughts. Ah, there you are.
Had he been waiting for her? Searching for her? She shook her head and let out a nervous laugh. No, that must be impossible. Dragons couldn’t just reach inside someone’s mind, could they? She had probably just imagined it, and the knock to her head sharpened her senses again. She grimaced and rubbed the back of her head again. Still, this seemed strange. She hadn’t lost a sword fight since she’d come to the underground, and the others knew it. They knew something had to be wrong. The problem was, she didn’t even know what to worry about- that she might be going crazy, or that some dragon had crept his way into her mind.
A few long hallways later she came to her room- a small room, just large enough for a bed and a small desk. She took off the sheath and laid it across the desk. Finally, she kicked off her boots and fell back onto her bed with a sigh. Closing her eyes felt good, but like Elryn, she doubted sleep would come. Her mind spun wild possibilities, still in a crazed frenzy.
Rolling over and reaching underneath her bed, she pulled out a small frayed picture. It had been taped together in multiple places, and the image had faded, but she could still make out the faces of her parents, Sirrah and Kuron Moonfall. She was proud to be named after them. It almost made it feel like they were still here, though she had never really seen them. The date, scribbled on the back of the page, told her it was drawn just three years before she was born.
Kirah scrambled to put the picture back in its hiding place as a knock came at the door. “Come in!” she said hurriedly, sitting up.
The door inched open, and she immediately recognized who her visitor was. Standing clumsily, she bowed. The woman stepped in and shook her head with a smile. “There’s no need for that, Kirah.”
Kirah lifted her head and smiled nervously. “Yes, but everyone else does it. It would be rude if I were the only one not to, wouldn’t it?”
The woman made a face. “I suppose so. Either way, we’re friends. No need to act like I’m a queen or anything.”
Why not? Kirah wanted to ask, but she held her tongue. The leader of the Dragonsbane society, Jade Silver, was respected by everyone in the underground. Her green eyes were deeper and darker than Cora, Leif, and Banner’s, and her hair hung down to her shoulders, alternating strands of blonde and black. About Kirah’s height, she resembled the size of most of the kids in the society, but she was a whirlwind in a fight, and her mind worked just as quickly. She had a certain look about her, that made Kirah think maybe even if she couldn’t, maybe she should be a queen.“So what brings you in here?” Kirah said, taking a step back and sitting on the bed again.
Jade came and sat down beside her. “Something’s up with you. I saw you walking down the hall, and you were mumbling to yourself.” She made Kirah look at her. “You never mumble. That, and you Cora said she beat you in a sword fight. Either she’s lying, or something is wrong with you.”
Kirah shook her head. “I’m fine, Jade. I just lost focus because I’m tired.”
Jade nodded slowly, then glanced sideways at her. “And this isn’t about the dragons?”
Kirah flinched. “What… What about them?”
“They’re ‘visiting’ Illura. Or at least trying to. Think they found a way to get through the fog. I thought you might have overheard.” Jade pointed at her sternly. “Don’t tell anyone, not even Cora. If word gets to Leif or Rollan, they’ll blab it to the entire underground.”
Kirah nodded. “I haven’t. I won’t.”
Jade watched her for a moment. “Was it about the dragons, then?” she prodded.
“Kind of, I guess.” Kirah rubbed her hands together nervously. “We were sword fighting. We had our blades shoved against each other, and then… And then there was this bright flash of light, like the sun exploded right in front of me. I saw a dragon- a large black one- and he acted like he knew who I was.”
Jade stiffened. “Who was he? Was he in Brimstone? How did he know you?”Kirah sighed. “That’s the problem. I just don’t know. Before I could ask anything, Cora knocked me to the ground. The hit to the head snapped me out of it.” Jade stayed silent for a while. After a moment, Kirah glanced up at her. “I suppose you think I’m crazy?”
“Not exactly,” Jade mused. She knitted her brow, obviously thinking hard. Her fingers lightly tapped Kirah’s bed, and her eyes seemed to be somewhere far away. “Kirah, certain dragons have… a kind of magic. Or at least they used to. They were able to tell the future. And I know I heard something about someone seeing things. If I remember right, he or she was supposed to be specifically human.”
Kirah furrowed her brow. “You think I’m seeing things?”
“Oh, no, nothing like that.” Jade seemed to be trying to settle on an expression, but they wouldn’t stop changing. “A dragon may very well be talking to you, that’s all.” She pursed her lips and sighed. “I really am sorry for asking so much of you, but this would be best kept a secret as well. I know a few of us that would panic and likely cause others to as well.”
Kirah nodded. “I guess that makes sense.”Jade stood and drew her cloak around herself, pulling up the hood. “Try to get some rest, Kirah. It might help.”
Kirah frowned. “Where are you going?”
“I have some business to take care of.”
She cocked her head. “Outside of the underground? In the middle of the night?”
Jade put a hand on her shoulder. “Yes. I know this is all hard to understand right now. I don’t know all the details either. But I do know that secrecy is important.” She smiled. “I know I can trust you, Kirah.”
“You can,” she replied. “You will come back, won’t you?”Jade’s face fell, but it returned to a smile so fast that Kirah wondered if she’d imagined it. “Of course I will. Get some rest. That’s an order.” She opened the door and glanced back. “Goodbye, Kirah.”
Kirah held back a shiver. It sounded so final, like they wouldn’t see each other again. “Good… Goodbye, Jade.”
The door closed, and Kirah was left alone. She lay down on her bed and turned off her light, trying not to think about any of the events in the past hour. The underground always offered an adventure, sure, but a sort of predictable one. But a dragon in her head? Jade’s strange behavior was enough to make her worried. Would she be coming back? What would the underground do if she didn’t? Had it been her fault that Jade had to leave in the first place?
Somehow, with all these thoughts circling through her mind, she managed to fall asleep.
~
Mere moments after Kirah drifted into sleep, another bright flash blurred her vision. She squinted as it faded, then gasped for breath. The same dragon stood in front of her, his claws tapping the ground just a few feet from where she lay on the ground. She scrambled to her feet and stared around. Her bed was nowhere in her sight.
“Jade!” she yelled, backing away from the dragon. Was she already too far away? How long had it been since she’d visited?
Quiet, dragon girl. Kirah’s head snapped back around to the dragon. His mouth hadn’t moved, but he stared right at her, flicking his tail. What’s wrong? Never seen a dragon before?
“N- No,” she stuttered. She put a hand to her head. “I’m dreaming. There’s no way this is real.”
Oh, but it is. As real as you are. The dragon stepped forward, and she took another step back. He let out a growly kind of laugh. Would you like me to show you?
Before she could respond, he lunged forward and raked his claws across her arm. She shrieked and fell back, landing hard and clutching her arm. “Who are you?” she asked through gritted teeth.I am Blackhorn, he replied. Who are you?
Kirah squinted up at him. “I thought you knew who I was.”
I know what you are, not who. No one can know everything.
She wondered if she should tell him her name, but the pain still roaring through her arm told her she couldn’t stay quiet long. “Sirrah. My name is Sirrah.”
He nodded. Sirrah. Nice to finally meet you.
Kirah glared at him. “The pleasure is all yours.”
Blackhorn growled and smoke poured from his maw. I wouldn’t test me, dragon girl. We can either be friends or enemies, and only one of those options will keep you alive.“Why am I here?” Kirah asked. “How am I here?”
Blackhorn chuckled. You will learn soon enough. I will give you some time to think it over. Flames formed around his mouth. I have all the time in the world.
Fire blasted from Blackhorn’s mouth and hit Kirah with a wave of heat.
~
Amara awoke to a knock on her bedroom door. She sat up, yawning, and walked to open it. Her dog, Wolf, growled and jumped up, sniffing the air. Peeking through the door’s small window, Amara smiled. “Don’t worry, Wolf. It’s a friend.”
Opening the door, she saw her friend, who dripped water on the ground, so wet from the rain he looked like he had drowned two times over. She let him in, and he took a deep breath.
“Hey, Amara,” he said in between breaths.
“You look terrible, Fin,” she replied. “What made you come so fast?”
Finley met her eyes, fear spreading across his face, as if he’d just remembered why he’d come. “It’s time. They’re coming. It happened just how the prophets said it would.”
Amara’s smile faltered and she nodded grimly. “Okay.” She swallowed. “We knew it would happen eventually.” She turned to grab her satchel, a bag packed with food and clothes for their journey. “My mother told you?” she asked.
Finley nodded. “Jade’s on her way to where she thinks the dragons will land. That’s what I think, anyway, but she wouldn’t tell me. I assume she’s going to try to bargain with them.”
Amara scowled. “You can’t bargain with a prophecy. What is she thinking? She’s going to get herself killed.” Raising her hood, she followed him out the door, Wolf tagging along behind them. “Is there any way to stop her?”
Finley shook his head. “No, she’s already well ahead of us by now. We’d just end up getting ourselves killed.”
Amara sighed. “She didn’t even say goodbye.”
Finley forced her to meet his eyes. “She wanted to. I know she did. Jade would do anything for you. That’s why she’s gone to meet the dragons in the first place.”
“You’re right.” Amara straightened and kept walking. The rain was really pouring now, and the wind buffeted her cloak, forcing her to speak louder than normal. “Any more information? Do we know what will happen? Or what will happen to me?”Finley shook his head. “Mostly the same old stuff. Your roles in the prophecy are very vague, and we still don’t know who is which.” He thought for a moment. “Well, actually, Jade found the seer. A girl named Kirah in the underground.”
“They already have her?” Amara brightened. “That’s great! That means I’ll get to meet her, doesn’t it?”
Finley shrugged. “I would assume so. She’s great with a sword, apparently. Around your age. She never knew her parents, but Jade acted like maybe she used to.”
“Okay.” Amara rubbed her hands together for warmth. The rain was soaking her cloak, sending a chill through her body. They were jogging now, Wolf a few feet ahead of them. “What about the fog? How will the dragons get through it?”
“The Dragonsbane society believes that they’ve invented something to get them through,” Finley told her. “They’re not sure what. It would somehow have to keep them from breathing in the fumes. How those few humans ever got to Brimstone and back a long time ago is still a mystery. They died from a disease before anyone could ask them questions.”
Wolf barked and ran ahead, disappearing quickly in the heavy rain. Amara shouted after him, but the rain and wind now drowned out her voice, whipping her cloak around her. With a jolt she realized she couldn’t see Finley. Spinning around in a circle, she couldn’t see much of anything besides the sheets of rain hitting the ground. The water was at least an inch high now. Suddenly she realized her mistake. She now couldn’t tell which direction would lead her to the underground, or even back home.
“Finley!” she tried to yell, but again the wind swept away her voice. She couldn’t decide whether to choose a random direction or stay where she was.
Something hard hit her shoulder, and she winced, feeling another rock hit the back of her head. Not rocks. Hail. Now she had to move. Stepping forward, she kept walking in the direction she hoped would lead her to the underground. If the rain would let up, it would be easier to see with the three hills surrounding it.
Teeth gripped Amara’s arm just above the wrist, and she screamed, jerking away. The sharp teeth left long scratches down her arm before she realized who it was. It was Wolf, dragging her along in the direction left of where she’d been headed. Her arm stung in the rain, though she was thankful it washed the blood away. If there was one thing she couldn’t stand seeing, it was blood.
She followed Wolf for a while until she just about ran into Finley. He jumped startled, but relief washed across his face when he saw her. “Come on!” he yelled over the wind, right in her ear. “The underground should be this way!”
Amara held her head low to keep the rain out of her eyes, following him. He gripped her hand tightly and started to jog, pulling her along with him. She’d completely lost her sense of direction. She could only hope Finley knew what he was doing- which, knowing Finley, he most likely did. She had to get to the underground. Maybe then they could find her mother.
They’d found the seer. Only one more to go.
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
And yeah, this is the same Elrin from before, just younger. I just realized I already put him somewhere, and it would be confusing, so… Yeah. 😅🤣 But the plan is to make a book later about Elrin specifically, which is the scene in The Scrapbook.
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
Wow! I’m on the edge of my seat! Nicely done, Solfyre!
I really like this! I’m not usually into reading fantasy that much because excessive world building leaves me often confused, but you did a good job giving us just enough info about the world without it being overwhelming. Also, I love the mysteriousness. Is there anything specific you want comments on?
He must increase, but I must decrease.
Random thought rq, Blackhorn’s speech was normally italicized, but it didn’t do that when I transferred it, so that’s why it’s weird. 😅 Thanks to everyone who reads through that lol.
Thanks!!! 😃
Thanks! And I get it, sometimes I even confuse myself with worlds that I built. 🤣
Hmmm…. Good question. I guess I’d like to know if the characters are believable. This first chapter I don’t have as many problems with… The second chapter is where things seem to kind of get weird. I’m a pantser, if you couldn’t tell, so some (or at least one) of the interactions were off.
If you’re interested, I could post the second chapter, because it’s probably in more need of critique. (The third POV isn’t introduced until the start of the third chapter, though I think he went pretty well. Maybe. 😅🤣)
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
Thanks! And I get it, sometimes I even confuse myself with worlds that I built. 🤣
Oh good it’s not just me! 😅🤣
Hmmm…. Good question. I guess I’d like to know if the characters are believable. This first chapter I don’t have as many problems with… The second chapter is where things seem to kind of get weird. I’m a pantser, if you couldn’t tell, so some (or at least one) of the interactions were off.
It feels too soon to be able to say if the characters are believable or not, because I’m sure we’ll learn more about them as the story continues, but the most important thing is to make what’s happening to the character matter to the reader. How you do that is to show internal conflict in the character right from the beginning. You did this by showing Kirah’s fear of dragons, (hints of a fiery memory), loosing the sword fight with Cora (which had never happened before), and the picture of her parents.
I think if you had Jade hint to Kirah that she’s an important figure in the prophecy, and have Kirah wonder about who she is, that might make her vision of the dragon afterwards more intriguing. Just a thought- do what works. I’m a pantser too, so I can relate. 😉
If you’re interested, I could post the second chapter, because it’s probably in more need of critique. (The third POV isn’t introduced until the start of the third chapter, though I think he went pretty well. Maybe. 😅🤣)
Sure, I would be interested! The prophecy thing and Kirah’s parents has me fascinated.
He must increase, but I must decrease.
Thanks for the advice! 🙂I think I will go a little wild and do some planning for the next chapters, just to make sure everything stays clear. 🤣
I’ll most likely have chapter two up by the end of the day. Just gonna look over it first, because I’ve been looking at so many WIPs that I kind of got it confused with another… So, I’m just gonna make sure I have all the details right lol. 😅🤣
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
@kyronthearcanin I like it!! It reminds me just a bit of a story I’ve been working a bit on based off How to Train Your Dragon, but mine’s kinda more of a rip-off…..I love the worldbuilding on it though, which is why I keep it.
Yours is great though! I’d read more of it!
Where'd I get ya this time? The liver? The kidney? I'm runnin' outta places to put holes in ya.
Your welcome!
No rush! I know how that can be.
He must increase, but I must decrease.
Thanks!!! How to Train Your Dragon is awesome, and your story sounds really cool. 🙂 I’ll tag you when I get the next chapter up!
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
Ooooh! I’ll definitely read this when I get the time! 👍 😄
Write what should not be forgotten. — Isabel Allende
Very intriguing! It captures a very classical fantasy vibe quickly with swords, prophecies… as well as dragons of course, I’m interested where you will take that. I will say that the pacing felt a little weird to me, not because your getting into it too quickly (I’m far worse with that), but because it felt like Kirah was too quickly considering different ideas concerning what she’s seen and how she’s felt as of late. This really depends on who she is as a character though, so as long as your aware of this, I think it’s probably fine.
I’ll also mention that she’s currently very quickly following in what my (HIGHLY LIMITED) perception of lots of YA main characters are like. I feel I may have a bit of a prejudice concerning tropes like this, so take my thoughts here with a grain of salt. While you had her beaten by Cora, everyone was talking about how not normal that is, and how Kirah is the best fighter, which makes me think Mary Sue. I will explicitly say that she isn’t a Mary Sue from what you’ve shown. This is only the first chapter, you’ve already introduced some intrigue for her as a character, and she looks like she has a lot of potential to become dynamic and interesting, but I said my peace. I love good strong female characters, but the majority I’ve seen have been poorly done, and have ruined the trope for me, so I highlight it as something to be careful with when writing.
I also noticed a few points where it felt a little tell don’t show (not necessarily a bad thing, but I digress). One main thing I saw was “Tonight two moons shone in the sky, one a light shade of gray and one orange like dragon flame. They were called Wulf and Fyre.”. This is in third person, so it may make more sense that the narrator is telling the audience directly what the names of the moons are, however, I think it’s always nicer to not step into that light, unless intentional for the story. Perhaps something more like: “Tonight two moons shone in the sky, Wulf was in its light shade of gray, and Fyre in a orange like dragon flame.”, and the readers are able to quickly infer the Wulf and Fyre are the said two moons without even really thinking about it. I suggest something like this because it feels more self contained. It is simply part of the world, and the reader doesn’t need to be reminded that they aren’t part of the world by telling them explicitly what they didn’t know before (unless that is intentional for the story your telling). I think what you have works fine though, and I think your prose in general are good, but this may be something to keep in mind.
Overall though, I’m intrigued by where you’re going with it concerning the prophecy and stuff. Prophecy tropes have been overdone in the past, but I haven’t really seen much as of late, so it would be cool to see what you add. I once again like the pacing, the characters look to have a lot of potential as you develop them, and your world sounds really fun! Great job!
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
👍!!!
Thanks! I definitely was kind of experimenting with a lot of different things that I normally don’t do in my writing… Like prophecy, and more POVs than I’m used to. Throughout the next few chapters, more are added in, including the male POV. I think something I’ve also done is made a lot of the characters similar in personality… Amara is slightly less guarded than Kirah, I would say, but still maybe too close. And yeah, I don’t like the strong female trope either, which is why in Healer, Rina is kind of the weakest link in the group. However, the idea in this book is that they are that way because of their pasts, not exactly because they’re female, and I haven’t made all of the boys weak either. My main focus is just making sure that the females aren’t just invincible (because, obviously, that’s not super accurate). Also, I will say that emotions are kind of my biggest struggle in writing, at least how I see it- as in portraying emotion and stuff like that. Feel free to point out if I’ve done anything wonky (lol great wording there) with that, because honestly, I probably have. 😅🤣
Showing and not telling is another thing I’ve been working on more recently, so yeah, there are definitely going to be some mistakes in there with that. Thanks for catching that!!! 🙂
(Also, as a side note, I will admit that I have never heard of Mary Sue, but I think I got the idea of what you were talking about.)
(Side note two 😅, if you’ve ever read anything like Bryan Davis’s Search for the Astral Dragon, he has a really interesting female MC who I think does a good job at staying on the good side of a tricky trope. He shows her weaknesses while also showing her strong, somewhat stubborn personality.)
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
Alright! I’m just gonna keep the chapters on here instead of making a different forum, so ignore the name. 🤣
Tags: @janellebelovedpig @felicity @thearcaneaxiom @keilah-h @esther-c @anyone-else
Definitely let me know if Nia went way off the rails… I’m not the greatest at… I don’t know what to call it. Villian writing? She’s not exactly a villian, but I suppose she is villian-ish to the POVs, so we’ll just go with that. 😅
As another thing, the visions may be getting kind of repetitive, but I’m not sure, so I’ll just let you decide for yourselves. 🙂
With that being said, I present Chapter 2 of The Dragonsbane Society!
Chapter 2
Kirah awoke to a tap on her shoulder, a tap that sent burning pain coursing through her body. She rolled to the side, and everywhere her skin touched felt spiking pain.
Blackhorn. She sat bolt upright and bit her tongue to stop herself from crying out. Keeping her eyes squeezed shut, she backed up a few inches before hitting a wall behind her with her head. She felt like she was on fire.
“Whoa!” A hand touched her shoulder, giving way to more burning. She opened her eyes to see Cora standing beside her bed, watching her with wide eyes. She was back in her bedroom.
Kirah sighed and slumped back against the wall, grimacing. The scratches were gone, and there were no burns in sight, but the pain felt like there was still fire running over her. “Sorry, Cora.” She remembered what Jade had said. Secrecy is important. “I just… Had a bad dream, that’s all.”
Cora raised an eyebrow. “Did that dream hurt a lot? You act like you just got scorched by a dragon.”
Kirah flinched. Was it that easy to see, or was Cora simply quoting a phrase she’d heard? “I guess I’m just sore from last night.” She grinned and sat up, trying not to look like every movement hurt. “You fought really well.”
Cora shrugged. “Not that well. Not good enough to beat you, at least under normal circumstances.”
Kirah bit her lip. She so badly wanted to tell Cora about the dream- or more likely, the vision- that had left her this way. But Jade’s warning rang in her mind. She winced. Would Jade ever really come back, or was she just saying that?
Cora snapped her fingers in front of Kirah’s face, startling her out of a daze. “Come on. There’s something bothering you, I know it. I won’t say anything.”
Kirah frowned. “I know, Cora. I really do trust you. But I made a promise I can’t break. At least… Not yet.”
Cora nodded. “Okay. Well, I trust you too. I just want to make sure you’re alright.”
“I am,” Kirah assured her, though she herself was beginning to wonder. “To be honest, I’m not sure exactly what’s going on either.” She smiled. “Hey, if something happens during a sword fight today, can you make sure my head doesn’t get chopped off?”
Cora laughed. “Sure, Kirah. Just give me a heads-up if you can.”
Kirah grabbed her sheathed sword and strapped it around her waist. They walked down the hall, ready for their morning sword fighting. Early mornings and late evenings were the only times they weren’t working during the day besides meals, so they had to take advantage of that time. She walked stiffly down the hall after Cora, her whole body tense. When would the next vision happen? Would she be in the middle of the fight? What if someone really did accidentally hurt her? She hoped the next time she wouldn’t have to see Blackhorn. It still felt like she was on fire.
When they reached the Arena, the room was empty. Cora turned and smiled at Kirah. “I woke up a little early. Wanted to see if last night was just a fluke.”
Kirah blew out a breath and drew her sword, and Cora did the same. “I’ll give it a try,” she replied, wrapping her fingers tightly around the hilt. It felt heavier than usual, but that could just be her tired arms dragging it down.
“You get the first move,” Cora said, nodding at her. Kirah took a deep breath. Running forward, she met swords with Cora. Before she could shove Kirah back, Kirah twisted her sword around, nearly knocking Cora’s from her hand, but she held on. Kirah stumbled backwards, dodging a blow, then ducked another and held her blade to Cora’s leg.
She smiled as Cora stepped back. “Maybe it was a fluke.”
Cora shook her head, but couldn’t keep from grinning. “I’ll get you again sometime.” She glanced towards the door. “Here come the others.”
Leif and Banner ran in, panting like dogs, followed by Rollan, who walked with his black hood down, resting on his shoulders. The twins ran to talk to Cora while Elryn walked in. Kirah cocked her head. A girl with black hair and hazel eyes walked beside him, tailed by a dog that resembled a wolf. Though she was frowning as she entered, her face lit up when she saw Kirah.
“You’re here!” she cried, running forward until she was a few feet away. The dog barked excitedly. “Finley told me you’d be here. I knew it.”
Kirah was sure she made several strange faces before answering. “I… Finley… What?”
Elryn jumped in. “Finley is the usual leader of the Crescent patrol, remember? He brought her here.”
Kirah nodded slowly. “I’m Kirah,” she said, extending a hand. When the girl shook it, Kirah realized she had a bandage wrapped around her arm. She glanced down at her own arm, where there should have been a wound. Still nothing.
“I know,” the girl replied, still smiling. “I’m Amara. You’re good with a sword, right?”
Kirah nodded again. “Yeah, I guess so.”
Amara walked over to sit on the bench at the side of the room. “Let’s see it. I’ve never seen a real sword fight before.” The dog jumped up on the bench beside her, laying across her lap, though he was much too big for it.“Okay,” Kirah said. She looked around. “Who do I fight next?”
Banner raised a hand. “That would be me,” he said, drawing his sword and filling the room with a metallic ringing noise. “Ready? After last night I might just win.”
Kirah shook her head, forcing a grin. “In your dreams, Banner.”
Kirah was getting ready to jab at him with her sword when white light filled the edges of her vision. She wobbled and dropped her sword to the floor, putting a hand to her head. “Not now,” she whispered with a wince. Everyone was watching her now, and Banner lowered his sword to his side.
“You okay, Kirah?” Leif asked from his place on the bench.
“I think…” Kirah nodded, then shook her head. Everything was blurred now, like white fog was blocking her view. She turned with wide eyes to Cora before a falling sensation washed over her. Just before she was swept into the vision, she felt someone catch her.
“Kirah!”
~
She stood in a large room with columns along the left and right sides. Dragons sat in orderly lines, all sitting with wings folded in and tails curled around their talons. She tried to stand, but her body wouldn’t move. She gasped and struggled, managing only to move in place. None of the dragons turned their heads. Only one dragon stared directly at her- Blackhorn. He sat at the front of the room on a throne, his talons digging into the soft wood.
She’s here. His voice echoed throughout the room. The dragons all whispered to each other and turned their heads in confusion, some of them looking right past her. Blackhorn stepped down from his throne, and Kirah tried to stand again. Again, she moved only a couple inches in each direction, and she couldn’t change position.
“Wake up,” she whispered to herself, squeezing her eyes shut. “I have to wake up. This isn’t real.”
I thought I’d proven it was real, Blackhorn said. The words reverberated in her mind, but she kept her eyes closed. Was the fire not enough?
Kirah opened her eyes and struggled, kicking and squirming. Finally she was able to move. She stood and scrambled backward, but felt a wall behind her back. Turning around, there was nothing behind her. What was happening?
Hmm, Blackhorn said in a low growl. So you are still in your world as well.
Kirah glared back at him, shaking, and felt along the invisible wall with her hands. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Nothing you’d understand, Blackhorn replied. I’ve heard humans are quite dull compared to dragons. You’ve proven me right.
Kirah shook her head. “We’re not dull. Not most of us.”
I assume you think you’re more intelligent than average?
She sighed. “I don’t know.”
Blackhorn took another step towards her. Where are you on Illura?
“Where?” Kirah swallowed. “I’m not sure I can tell you that.”
He snarled. Do you need persuasion? I have ways to make you tell me.
Kirah stared back at him defiantly. She couldn’t answer him. What if dragons came to Illura? The underground had to be kept a secret, or all could be lost. Maybe this was all just a weird kind of dream anyway. The pain from the fire could all be inside her head. She couldn’t be a seer. The only thing special about her was that she could wield a sword, and everyone in the underground could do that. Why would some ancient prophet choose her?
Blackhorn growled. If you won’t tell me willingly, I’ll have to make you tell me. He opened his mouth wide, and again fire shot towards her. She closed her eyes as pain jolted through her body. Falling to the ground, she put her arms over her head and cried out. The heat roared around her.
“Stop! Please, stop!” The flow of fire almost immediately stopped. She gasped for breath. Every nerve was on fire.
Are you ready now? Blackhorn asked.
Kirah clenched her fists and blew out a raspy breath. “Who… Who are these dragons?”
You can stall as long as you want, but I’ll get the truth out of you. He spread his wings to encompass the dragons around him. They’re here for you.
Kirah blinked and wiped a tear from her eye. “For me? Why?”
They’ve waited a long time for you, Blackhorn replied. They’ve all heard what the prophets foretold. They want peace, and with you, they can have it.
“Me?”
Suddenly something cold and wet rushed over her, and for a moment, she couldn’t breath. Heaving and sputtering, she opened her eyes. A blurry face appeared in front of her. After blinking a few times, it came into focus.“Cora,” she sighed. Water dripped down in front of Kirah’s eyes. An empty bucket sat on the ground beside her.
Her friend sat back, glancing around at the others. “Kirah, I’m not sure you’re okay,” she said. “You were talking to yourself, and your eyes were clouded, and you wouldn’t stop struggling.”
Kirah put a hand to her head. “That was… you.” She shook her head. “I’m sorry. There were dragons, and he wanted to know where I was. And then he tried to force me to tell him by setting me on fire, but I didn’t. I couldn’t tell him, because-”
“We need to get Jade,” Cora interrupted, turning to Elryn. “And a doctor. Something’s wrong with her head.”
Kirah grabbed Cora’s hand, but jerked back. Her hand still burned fiercely. “Jade’s not here. I’m… fine. I know what I saw. Blackhorn knows who I am, or at least he thinks he does. A doctor isn’t going to help.”
Cora nodded at Elryn, and he ran out of the room. “Kirah, I knew something was wrong last night,” she said. “And earlier this morning, too. I just didn’t know what. But if you’re seeing things, we have to get it checked out.”
Kirah tried to stand, but Cora pushed her back down by the shoulder. Pain shot down her arm, and she cried out, flinching away. Cora stepped back with wide eyes. “Why… Why won’t anyone listen to me?” Kirah asked. She closed her eyes. “I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Jade said I couldn’t. She said… She said she could trust me not to tell anyone.”
Amara took a step closer. “My mother told you? I’m Amara Silver. Jade is my mother.”
Kirah nodded, grimacing as the motion brought a sharp sting. This was Jade’s daughter? “She said I might really be seeing a dragon.”
Amara nodded at Cora. “Cora, I believe her. Finley said my mother had found a seer. I know you have no idea what I’m talking about, but a doctor won’t be much help.” She knelt in front of Kirah. “Can you tell us what happened?”
Kirah sat up slowly. “I’ll try. Blackhorn was the dragon’s name. He wanted to know where I was. I didn’t tell him, so he used fire to try to get me to.” She looked down at her arms. “There are no real burns, but I still feel the pain. Nothing makes sense.”
Leif blinked at her. “It was a lot different on our side. You just fell, and Elryn had to catch you. Your eyes were weird and glazed over, and you wouldn’t stop struggling.” He glanced at Banner. “You punched Banner right in the stomach, and we let go. Then you stood and stepped backward into the wall. You started screaming and then fell again.”
Cora crossed her arms. “Is that what happened earlier this morning, too?”
Kirah nodded. There was no sense keeping it a secret now. “I thought I was dreaming, so he attacked me to prove I wasn’t. I guess I passed out. When you woke me up, I thought I was still there with him.”
Elryn walked in, followed by a tall woman dressed in white. She carried a large bag and had her hair tied back. Kirah opened her mouth to explain, but the woman silenced her with a hard look.
“I understand she’s not thinking straight?” she asked, to no one in particular. She set the bag on the ground beside Kirah. “Glazed eyes? And she’s fallen three times now. Most likely lack of sleep, but I can check.”
Kirah shifted away as the woman stepped closer, but a shiver of pain swept over her and she stopped with a wince. “I’m fine,” she insisted.
“You certainly don’t look fine,” the woman replied. She put her hand on Kirah’s forehead, and Kirah jerked back at the burning sensation. The back of her head hit the wall, and stars swam in her vision. She tried to blink them away as the woman questioned her. “What made you fall?”
“I… ow…” The room was spinning now. Her eyelids were suddenly heavy. Someone- the woman?- grabbed her shoulder, and the skin burned where she touched. Was this the effect of the vision, or was she just gone mad? She felt herself starting to slump forward, and fought to stay conscious. The white light came back a little, and she shook her head hard.
She couldn’t pass out now. Surely it would bring another vision, and she didn’t think she could bear it. Still, darkness crept into the edges of her vision, replacing the white, and the hand at her burning shoulder gripped her tightly. The pain seemed amplified for a reason she didn’t know.
“Let her go!” came Cora’s voice. “You’re hurting her!”
“How could I possibly be hurting her? I’ve hardly touched her.”
Kirah tried to blink away the dizziness, but when she closed her eyes, they were too heavy to open again. The white came back, along with a stronger burning sensation. She groaned and tried to make out a few words. “Burning… let… go…”
The doctor seemed to ignore her, but let go all the same. Kira. “She needs rest. No doubt she’ll fall asleep soon. Then I can see if she’s okay.”
Kirah growled to herself and bit down hard on her tongue to stay awake. Her eyes slowly blinked open, and she pressed her head back against the wall. The woman sat in front of her with an expressionless face. Kirah coughed. “I just want to go,” she said.
“I know,” said the woman. “But you can’t. You’re too sick.”
Kirah pushed away a wave of dizziness. “Not… sick… Cora?”
Cora seemed to understand. “It’s not really a sickness. She’s just… Well, I’m not sure how to explain it, but she saw-”
“No!” Kirah cried, fear clear in her voice. If the whole underground knew… They would all hear… I made a promise. “I’m not… She can’t… know.”
The woman stared hard at Kirah. “Can’t know what?”
Amara stood up and snapped her fingers, and her dog growled. “I think it would be best if you left,” she said, just a hint of warning in her voice. Kirah couldn’t help but notice that she had the same soft yet commanding voice as her mother.
The woman looked up at her. “You can’t make me leave! She’s hurt!”
“She was fine before you came,” Amara replied coolly. The dog walked up in between the woman and Amara. “Go.”
“Fine, fine,” the woman said, grabbing her bag and standing. She watched Kirah for a moment, still with no emotion. “But I’m coming back with others. We can’t just leave her like this.”
Kirah sighed in relief as the woman walked out of the room. She sat up slowly, pausing when the room slowly spun for a moment. “Thanks… Amara.”
Amara nodded. “Yes, well, we should really be going. She’ll be back with more doctors soon. Can you walk?”
Kirah took a deep breath and nodded. She braced herself on the wall as she lifted herself off the ground on wobbly legs. The last thing she needed was a bunch of doctors to tell everyone she’d lost her mind. Then again, that might happen anyway. Was she crazy? No. Blackhorn and the pain, she knew, were real, and now there was no doubt in her mind. She could never have conjured up what she was feeling right now.
Leaning against the wall, she managed to take a few steps towards the door, but when she left the wall her legs almost gave out. She planted her feet and stood still as the room seemed to rock from side to side.
“Here.” Cora helped hold her up underneath the arms. Though it burned where the cloak shoved against Kirah’s skin, she knew they had no other choice.
“Where will we go?” she asked haltingly.
Amara shrugged. “We have to stay in the underground, but we’ll go somewhere that maybe the doctors won’t find us for a while. I assume they don’t know which room you stay in?”
Kirah shook her head, causing another wave of dizziness. “No. I don’t think so.”
“Then that’s where we’ll go,” Amara decided. “Then we can figure out what’s going on.”
~
Amara walked alongside Cora and Kirah, while the others followed behind. Kirah grimaced with every step but didn’t complain. Wolf trotted ahead of them, seemingly glad to be in a new place. Amara wondered what it would be like to be a seer. Apparently Kirah could feel any pain that befell her in the visions. So the visions weren’t of the future of the past, but of the present. At least, that’s what she assumed, but she didn’t have enough information to know for certain.
The woman from back in the Arena, apparently a doctor, had made her uneasy. Had her mother really hired her to work? Maybe there was a shortage of doctors, and they had to take who they could find. Still, she’d been heedless of anything Kirah had tried to tell her, and she’d hardly noticed when Kirah was obviously in pain. She’d been fine with letting the pain drag her patient into unconsciousness, instead of trying to dull the suffering.
While Kirah was the seer, she didn’t seem to know how or why everything was happening. The seer likely knew less than she did. Still, even her knowledge was limited. No one knew the exact words the prophets had spoken, but the meaning remained certain. There were to be three humans, each with some kind of strange ability, though the abilities were only able to be guessed through the names of those chosen: the seer, the shifter, and the dragonborn.
Kirah snapped Amara out of her thoughts. “There… that’s the door.”
Amara walked ahead of Cora and Kirah and opened the door. It led to a small room, much smaller than she was used to. Cora helped Kirah onto the bed while Amara watched. The seer kept glancing around like she felt someone watching her. It made sense. She’d probably spoken to dragons, which only a few humans had done before.
Cora’s brothers shuffled in, followed by Elryn and Rollan. Wolf jumped up onto the bed and sat there, looking up at Amara innocently. Amara tried to catch Kirah’s eye a few times, but she wouldn’t stop looking around. Maybe there is something wrong with her head. Almost immediately she dismissed the thought. Kirah was smart, she could tell, but the visions and the pain had obviously rattled her.
From what Amara knew, Kirah, Rollan, and Cora were around the same age, Elryn being a year or two older, and the twins being a year or two younger. Elryn had explained that Kirah had lost her family when she was young, and that he and Cora still had their families, but Rollan had never revealed his story. She wondered why not. Was he hiding something?
“Alright,” began Elryn, “can someone please explain what’s going on? I still can’t figure any of this out.”
Kirah shook her head, then winced, like it was painful. “I know as much or less than you do.”Amara jumped in. “I’ve heard some things from my mother, Jade. She tried to keep all of this a secret.” She let her eyes fall on each of them. “Will you all promise not to tell a soul? If this gets out, we might be finished.”
Everyone nodded. “Good,” Amara said. “There are three ‘chosen’ that the dragon prophets spoke about.” She pointed at Kirah. “One was the seer. The other two are the shifter and the dragonborn.” She sighed. “Apparently I’m one of those, but I’m not sure which. I’m not even sure Mother was.”
Now she had Kirah’s attention. The seer was staring at her like she’d just sprouted wings. “You’re… What does it say about the other two? The shifter and the, um…”
“Dragonborn,” Amara told her. “And we don’t know. The only reason we know what the seer does is because you’ve already experienced it.” She shrugged. “I guess I could be either. Not sure what they mean, though.”
Elryn raised an eyebrow. “Kirah, couldn’t you just let the doctor check you? Then they’ll know that you’re alright.”
Kirah slowly shifted her gaze from Amara to Elryn. “I… I’m not sure I am. What if I have another vision while they’re watching? And everything still burns.”
Banner cocked his head. “If a dragon set you on fire, wouldn’t you be dead?”
Kirah knitted her eyebrows. “I guess it’s because I wasn’t really there. Well, I was…” She shook her head hard. “I don’t really want to talk about it anymore.”
“That’s okay,” Cora said. She stroked Wolf’s fur. “We don’t have to.” She turned to Amara. “So what’s your story? How did you get here?”
Amara shrugged. “Finley came to tell me that Mother was leaving for some reason. He said I had to get to the underground. We’ve known that for a while. Anyway, he’s somewhere around here, but Elryn said he would show me around.”
Rollan put an ear to the door behind him. “Someone’s coming. Could be anyone, though.”
Kirah’s eyes locked on the door. “Okay.”
“Okay?” Elryn watched her for a moment. “I thought you didn’t want them to find you.”
“Well, I can’t do very much about it now,” the seer snapped. Elryn looked away. Kirah put a hand to her head, then pulled it away with a grimace. “Sorry, I know it’s not your fault.”
A knock came at the door, and Rollan nearly jumped. Amara watched as he moved to open the door. “Who is it?” he asked.
“I think you know,” came the reply. Amara didn’t recognize it, but it was decidedly male. “Where is Kirah? Where’d you put her?”
Kirah stood from the bed, teetering a moment before spreading her feet for balance. “They didn’t put me anywhere,” she growled.
The man stepped in and looked around. It suddenly dawned on Amara that a room crammed full of kids surrounding Kirah wouldn’t be a good thing to walk in on. The man watched Kirah for a moment. “They said you weren’t thinking straight,” he said.
The woman from before appeared behind him. “She wasn’t! She nearly passed out just from me touching her shoulder!”
Kirah glared at her. “It wasn’t just that.”The woman pointed at Kirah. “See? There’s something else she’s not telling us.”
“Let her come out,” said the man. “If there’s something wrong, which there might be, then we need to make sure she’s okay.”
Everyone backed up, and Amara slowly did the same. It wouldn’t be good if they lost the support of the underground. Kirah took a few heavy steps towards the door, then paused for a moment before continuing. Amara hated to just let her go with them, but there wasn’t much of a choice. She didn’t exactly have any influence with the society yet, so no one would take her word for anything. What was worse, they wouldn’t even believe Kirah, because they thought something was wrong with her head.
“Satisfied?” Kirah asked when she was out of the room. “Keith, I’m fine.”
Amara raised her eyebrows. Kirah knew this man. Why he wasn’t listening was the mystery she couldn’t figure out.
Keith tapped a foot on the floor. “Why are you wet?”
Kirah put a hand to her damp hair, like she’d only just realized she was still wet. “Long story.”
“A story I would like to hear,” Keith said firmly. “Nia insists the situation is worse than what you are revealing.”Kirah scowled at the woman. “Nia is wrong. I feel great.”
Amara glanced from Kirah to Keith. Great wasn’t exactly how she would describe it, but she knew Kirah was just trying to get out of the situation.
“Really?” Keith tossed her a sword hilt-first. Kirah fumbled to catch it, wincing at the touch. “Prove it, then. Beat me in a fight. You’ve never lost before.”
Kirah stared at the blade. Amara wondered if she could do it after the fire. Finally, Kirah nodded stiffly. “Deal. Then you’ll leave us alone?”
Keith nodded. “If that’s truly what you want.”
“Of course it is.” Kirah stumbled away from the wall to face Keith in the middle of the room, and Amara winced. She wasn’t exactly being convincing. Then again, if she managed to beat Keith, then it might not be a problem. But could she do it?
Amara watched Keith. He seemed to really be worried about Kirah. Maybe, unlike Nia, he was simply concerned. The fight would be a test to see if Kirah was really feeling okay. If things went well, he could be an ally.
“Ready?” Keith asked.
Kirah hesitated, then nodded. “Ready.”
When Kirah didn’t make a move, Keith ran forward and brought his sword down hard. For a split second, Amara thought he was going to slash right through her shoulder. But at the last second, Kirah raised her sword to block his. Her eyes flashed with pain, but she shoved him back a few steps and backed away. Already she was sweating. How long could Kirah last?
Keith came back full-force, skillfully maneuvering his blade while Kirah struggled to keep up. Amara knew he could tell, but he couldn’t stop without her giving up. He wanted to make a point. Besides, he was used to her usual skill. Right now, while it was obvious she’d held a sword before, she was barely blocking each of his blows, and wasn’t making any of her own.
Cora shook her head. She leaned over to whisper in Amara’s ear. “Usually, this would be nothing for her. The fire really messed with her.”
“She’ll be okay,” Amara told her. “Keith just wants to help, I can tell.”
Amara turned back to the fight. Keith was pushing hard against Kirah’s sword with his, and he wasn’t pulling back. After trying desperately to shove back, Kirah staggered backwards, gasping.
“You win,” she said, dropping her sword to the ground. Cora hung her head. “Do what you want.”
Keith glanced at Nia. “You stay here.”
She looked at him, surprised. “Why? I saw what happened!”
“I need to hear from her, not you,” Keith replied firmly. He motioned for the others to come out of the room. “I know most of these kids. They’re her friends. I don’t think they would force anything on her.”
Nia huffed. “Fine. But I’ll wait right here.”
Amara and the others followed Keith, who led Kirah to a room farther down the hall. A few times she stumbled, but she managed to stay upright without help. What would it take to get Keith on their side? He already trusted them over Nia, but that wasn’t saying much.
Keith turned a corner into a large room that reminded Amara of the Arena, only slightly smaller. There were maps on each wall, most of Illura and smaller sections of the continent, but there were a couple unfinished maps of the ocean and Brimstone. Keith sat on a bench at the end of the room, and Kirah sat a few feet away. Cora walked to sit next to her, and the rest of them stayed standing.
“Alright,” Keith said. “Tell me from the beginning.”
Kirah nodded and started to explain. Amara noticed she tried to keep out Blackhorn’s name, but Keith asked too many questions. After a while, she had Cora take over, and she and Keith talked about the rest. Amara waited until they were finished.
“So you’re the seer?” Keith asked Kirah.
She shrugged. “I guess so.”
Amara nodded. “She’s definitely the seer. I’m one of the chosen too… but I’m not sure which one. I don’t even know how my mother knew I was one of them.”
Keith scratched his head, blinking at Kirah. “So you’re really not sick?”
Kirah shook her head. “No. Hurt, maybe, but it’s nothing your medicine will fix.”
“Alright,” Keith said. “I’ll speak to Nia. She has her days, but she really is a skilled doctor.”
Kirah frowned. “I’m sure.”
Keith stood and walked out of the room, nodding at Amara as he walked by. Everyone was quiet for a couple minutes as they thought over the past day. What would happen if Keith told everyone? But most of all, Amara wondered whether she would have it better or worse than the seer.
After a long, awkward silence, Leif coughed. “That went well.”
Oh, man. I feel like I just absolutely destroyed Kirah in this one. The originally “strong” character at this super weak point in the story… If this goes on her arc will be very, um, interesting. But don’t worry! It gets better! 😃🤣
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
Thanks! I definitely was kind of experimenting with a lot of different things that I normally don’t do in my writing… Like prophecy, and more POVs than I’m used to. Throughout the next few chapters, more are added in, including the male POV. I think something I’ve also done is made a lot of the characters similar in personality… Amara is slightly less guarded than Kirah, I would say, but still maybe too close. And yeah, I don’t like the strong female trope either, which is why in Healer, Rina is kind of the weakest link in the group. However, the idea in this book is that they are that way because of their pasts, not exactly because they’re female, and I haven’t made all of the boys weak either. My main focus is just making sure that the females aren’t just invincible (because, obviously, that’s not super accurate). Also, I will say that emotions are kind of my biggest struggle in writing, at least how I see it- as in portraying emotion and stuff like that. Feel free to point out if I’ve done anything wonky (lol great wording there) with that, because honestly, I probably have. 😅🤣
Yeah, and to be clear, I wasn’t saying that that was what you were doing, it just seemed to be giving off that light, but I’m sure it will even out. Emotions are a hard thing, I struggle with that as well, like with Tailen, I’ve felt in many points writing him that I’ve just thrown him into a series of events without developing him as an individual, so I’m working on that as well.😅
Showing and not telling is another thing I’ve been working on more recently, so yeah, there are definitely going to be some mistakes in there with that. Thanks for catching that!!! 🙂
(Also, as a side note, I will admit that I have never heard of Mary Sue, but I think I got the idea of what you were talking about.)
No problem! The definition of Mary Sue has kind of blown up into many countless features of a character that people have highlighted as bad, like a character that’s too whiny, too OP, too perfect, or just a bad character, but there is a general consensus. The definition I would give is a character that is glorified as being the best in every way, and all characters around that character exist souly to glorify that character, or shown to be wrong or terrible if they don’t glorify that character. It is heavily associated with female characters, but it applies to male characters as well. I said that Kirah was explicitly not within my definition, because you have a cast of other characters that look fun, and are independent of her. I was just seeing the beginning of an arch that could turn very mary suish, so I pointed it out.
(Side note two 😅, if you’ve ever read anything like Bryan Davis’s Search for the Astral Dragon, he has a really interesting female MC who I think does a good job at staying on the good side of a tricky trope. He shows her weaknesses while also showing her strong, somewhat stubborn personality.)
Thanks for the recommendation! I’ll look into that! I’ll also show some examples of authors and particular characters. I think Brandon Sanderson does this beautifully as well. He’s written Spensa from skyward, and Vin from Mistborn, and many other very strong female characters that are amazingly done. Also Ashoka from star wars is incredible, and I absolutely love Katara, Suki, Toph, and Azula from Avatar the last airbender, especially the later two in reference to strong female characters.
He is perfect in Justice, yet He is perfect in Mercy, even when we fail Him. For this, He is good.
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