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Just me writing a poem.
A poem that… surprisingly fits my avatar. 😛
Anyway. Thoughts appreciated!New little sailboat
Painted and clean
With sails so white
And wood deck a sheen
It sits by the dock
Prepared to explore
Waves lap and call
For departure from shore
Brave little sailboat
Sets out at last
Taming the waves
Putting land in its past
It rocks to and fro
On the blue ocean deep
Gliding along
With fishes that leap
Wet little sailboat
Drenched from the storm
Barely afloat
As darker clouds form
It bumps into rocks
And tears holes in its wood
The future for sailboat
Doesn’t look good
Poor, leaky sailboat
Slides into port
Its adventurous sailing life
Sadly cut short
It sits in the boatyard
And waits for repairs
But no one remembers
And nobody cares
Sad, tattered sailboat
Its sails a-sag
No wind to let flutter
Its old tattered flag
It sits and it waits
For a chance at the sea
And finally, one day,
It got it from me
Fixed-up little sailboat
Back on the waves
Finally getting
Adventure it craves
We happily skim
Out to see the wide blue
Endless ideas
Of what we can do
O wow! @writefury That is really good. I really do like it. I’m not very good at poetry, but I would fix or change anything. *Other people might think differently. 😛 *
@writefury I would change a couple little things, but not much. The best thing about this poem is that it really personalizes the boat. *adds boat as friend on Facebook* Oh, and also the rhyme (I love rhyme).
Here are the little tweaks I would make:
And wood deck a sheen
Sounds strange. Decks are not sheen, they have a sheen.
As darker clouds form
Take out the “as”
And tears holes in its wood
It’s not the ship that’s tearing the holes, it’s the rocks.
No wind to let flutter
Take out the “let”
🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
@writefury This was amazing!!! The story was so personal and was told in a way that I just wanted to cry for the poor little sailboat when he was abandoned. Never before have I wanted to cry for a sailboat. A first time for everything, I suppose.
There’s one thing that bugs me, as I read through it, the line:
Its adventurous sailing life
seems really awkward. The poem has a flow to it that that line, in particular the word ‘sailing’ seems to interrupt. It’s probably just me though.
What they said @writefury. 🙂
And I love this— it’s a classic example of everything I cannot do. It’s simple but powerful, cute but touching, and above all lean and to the point. Excellent work!
Thanks so much guys! 😀 I’m glad you liked it and I’ll make any changes that need to be made. 🙂
@writefury Wonderful poem! I like it. 🙂
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Good job, @writefury! There is just one thing I would change. In the following section;
The future for sailboat
Doesn’t look good
I would at another syllable to the second line. (Does not look good, or doesn’t look so good)I saw this on the OYAN forum and really loved the vivid description. Nice job!
This poem is cute and kinda funny, @writefury ! I really enjoyed reading it. I liked the short, unpunctuated lines. It made the poem feel swift like a good stiff breeze, and made me feel like “the little sailboat” couldn’t be down for long. It reminds me of the adventures of Hitty. By the end of it I was ready to champion the cause of “the little sailboat” if need be. 😉
I think “Tearing holes in its wood,” instead of “And tear holes in its wood” might fix the problem @daeus mentioned.
Aw, @jadamae , I liked “Doesn’t look good.” The abruptness made me laugh. My brother would probably like this poem.
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