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Okay y’all, so…I have a very long, like, 140 something page Marvel fanfic I’ve been working on for about…hmm…4 months. I wrote this scene for it with Steve as the POV and I love it. Okay, so, I’ve been okay recently. I’ve been better. I’m struggling a lot right now, and this scene…the struggle I wrote in this scene…is me right now. Honestly. And when I wrote it…I felt so much…better. Lighter, even. I listened to some music while I wrote it, I may or may not have shed a few tears while writing it, and all in all, I love this scene. It’s so…therapeutic for me right now. That may sound weird, and I know I’m ranting, so sorry y’all. Now, some tags, and then onto the scene that y’all are probably already way past ready for. But if you’ve read through all this, you have my cheers and thanks. <3 (Even if you don’t like Marvel, I’ll still appreciate some thoughts and I will most DEFINITELY appreciate prayers. Love y’all. <3) @gracie-j. @elishavet-pidyon. @keilah-h. @devastate-lasting. @godlyfantasy12. @starshiness. @horsegirl13. @wilder-w. @ampeterson03. @anyone-else.
Ryan never had to die.
But he did.
All because he failed.
Now, Ryan was dead.
Alex, Mela, and Mala were injured.
Bucky had been seriously injured and was almost on the verge of death.
Barely holding on.
Madelene was possibly forever traumatized.
And all because he’d failed.
Again.
Just like always.
Steve was the leader.
He was America’s hero.
Captain America couldn’t break.
Couldn’t fall apart.
Couldn’t even cry.
He needed to smile.
Needed to laugh.
Needed to convince his team…convince the world…that he was okay.
That he was stronger than he really was.
That heck, Steve Rogers never needed to cry.
Steve Rogers is a hero.
Needed to convince everyone that he wasn’t breaking inside.
Needed to convince everyone that he wasn’t fighting battles none of them knew about.
But he was.
More battles than he had ever fought his entire life as pre-serum Steve Rogers and Captain America combined.
He was hurting.
He was breaking.
He was so, so…numb.
He didn’t feel much anymore.
So when he had a sudden surge of emotions…an angry outburst…sudden attitude…he didn’t know where the emotions came from…or even what they were.
Steve wanted to bang his head against a wall.
Hurt himself physically…someway, somehow, to make all the pain inside stop hurting so much.
Anything.
Anything to make his heart feel whole again.
The door closed with a click.
He was so, so lost.
He didn’t know the real Steve Rogers anymore.
And how that was killing him inside.
Steve leaned against the door.
Sank to the floor.
He needed to be strong.
He needed to be a hero.
He needed to be there for everyone else.
They needed him.
They needed him to be strong.
They needed him to be America’s hero again.
But Steve wanted to be a man.
Not everyone’s hero.
Not this time.
He didn’t want to be strong.
But he had to be.
He wanted to cry.
But he couldn’t.
He wanted to break.
But everyone needed to see him whole.
He clenched his fists.
Scratched his palms.
Blinked away tears.
He couldn’t cry.
Not here.
Not now.
Not ever.
Steve banged his head on the door.
A sudden surge of pain granted his wish.
But only for a moment.
Then the pain…the brokenness…the heartbreak…the numbness…the guilt…all began to once again chip away at his heart.
It was already in two.
But it was still breaking.
What did he ever do to deserve this?
Steve clenched his fists tighter.
Closed his eyes more.
He had to be strong.
Always told himself that.
Because he did.
He couldn’t cry.
Couldn’t break.
Couldn’t be weak.
His palms cut and bled.
Steve opened his eyes.
And tears fell.
All the numbness.
All the heartbreak.
All the guilt.
All the pain.
All the brokenness…broke free.
He broke.
He fell apart.
And he cried.
Cried like he hadn’t since the forties.
All the times he needed to be strong.
All the times his team needed him.
All the times the world needed him.
All the times he needed to be Captain America and forgot he was Steve Rogers.
All the times he’d refused to let tears fall.
But there was no stopping them this time.
And this time, he was okay with that.
Because Steve wanted it.
He wanted to cry.
And more than anything, he wanted one thing.
He wanted to be whole again.
@freedomwriter76 Are you kidding me??!! I love fanfics, and yours does an AMAZING job. Making your beloved (and technically not yours) characters have really dramatic inner turmoil is a fanfiction writer’s LIFE, practically. At least in my case. Great job. I enjoyed it, and sorta like seeing seemingly invulnerable characters with emotions.
Gerald handled that. You don’t question Gerald. (if you know you know)
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@keilah-h. THANK YOU SO MUCH! <3
IT IS a fanfiction writer’s life! XD It’s so much fun to just torture these characters we love, is it not? XD XD XD
No one can ever convince me that Steve Rogers doesn’t have emotions. But I DO see him as being that person (as I showed through this scene) that hides their emotions. Because, like…I’ve seen him cry…maybe 3 times? When Bucky “died”, when Peggy died, and at a certain moment in Endgame, after Natasha died, I believe. But you know…I wanted to write him with more emotion in this scene. And I feel like his struggle with feeling like he needs to be strong and his tendency to push all his emotions down and away can speak to all of us. 😉
@freedomwriter76 Yes, it is weirdly fun to torture characters. (You saw what I did to Star-Lord, and that was only physical. I didn’t put a lot of emotional torment in that one.) And I agree, I haven’t seen a lot of Marvel but Steve Rogers is that sort of character in my opinion.
Gerald handled that. You don’t question Gerald. (if you know you know)
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DANG, GIRL. That was gooood.
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@gracie-j. Aw, thank you! <3 I worked hard on it. Not too hard though, cause it just suddenly flowed out of me, lol. XD
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You’re so welcome! Haha, I gotcha! 😉
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@gracie-j. 😉
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