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Hey @Everyone,
This is a poem I wrote yesterday, and would like your opinion on. (@kate-flournoy, @Daeus, @writefury) Especially on which line sounds/works better in the 2nd stanza. Here it is…Melodies flow from silver strings
As the player draws her bow
Song flows full and free
Sometimes fast, sometimes slowSpotlights shine on the scene
The varnished wood of the violin gleams
Everyone sits in silence
As her fingers with music teem /OR/ As their ears with pleasure teemShe fully realizes the power she holds
In her hand that draws the bow
With it she hopes to lead
Many to the Living Water’s flowShe understands music speaks to hearts
In a way that words cannot
It can encourage a weary soul
And stop tear’s onslaughtWith a final crescendo she ends her song
Her audience stands and applauds
As she takes a bow and leaves the stage
She knows she doesn’t deserve the laudAll the honor she gives to God
Knowing to HIM it is due
All our talent comes from Him
So for Him, let us our talents useIt’s quite beautiful— love the title! A few lines I would change, just for the sake of better rhythm. The first is
Spotlights shine on the scene
I would just replace ‘on’ with ‘upon’. And the last line of that stanza… I’m not sure which would work better, or if either would work best at all. You might try saying something about a ‘dream’ instead of having to use ‘teem’— fingers can’t really teem, music can’t, and ears can’t really either. 😛
She fully realizes the power she holds
‘She knows full well the power she holds’.
She understands music speaks to hearts
‘She knows how music speaks to hearts’.
And that’s pretty much it! Love it— I don’t play the violin, but I do sing, and this is the mindset I try to have when I do it for others. 🙂
Sure @jadamae
I’d just do some little things to make it flow better. First of all, I’d agree with what Kate said, so I won’t repeat it. Here are my ideas:
Stanza 1, line 4: Might shorten to “Some fast, some slow”
Stanza 2, line 2: Take out the “the” at the beginning
Stanza 3, line 3: Add “them” to the end.
Line 4: Take off “Many” from the beginning.Stanza 4, line 3: I would change to “It lifts on high the weary soul”
line 4: “And stays the tear’s onslaught” might work better.Stanza 5, line 4: I would change to “She knows who deserves the laud”
Last line: Might say, “Let’s serve him in all that we do”
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Wow, this is beautiful poem, @jadamae. About the last line of the second stanza, I personally like “as her fingers with music teem” better, but they’re both beautiful.
Great job, @jadamae! 😀 I think the “as their ears with music teem” has a better rhythm to it in that line.
Kate and Daeus caught pretty much everything I would have pointed out (darn you fast people) so no other complaints here. 😛- Rank: Loyal Sidekick
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Thanks, everyone!
@Kate-flournoy I implemented almost all your suggestions 🙂 It’s funny becuase I actually used “know” in those two lines before, but didn’t want to overuse it. Now I think I actually like the coherency it gives to the poem. The only thing I’m still not sure about is the the line I had two options for. Maybe “Everyone sits in silence, as in a wonderful dream”? Not quite sure if that makes sense either.. 🙂
@Daeus Those are some really good suggestions. There are few things I think I’ll keep the same, but ones for stanzas 2, 3, and 4 are really helpful.Thanks for your help! I definitely will watch out more for my rhythm in the future. It is easy for me to focus on the rhyme and meaning, but in a poem, the rhythm is just as important.
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