Poem Critique!

@godlyfantasy12

That’s alright, KP sometimes takes the line breakers out of posts and the paragraphs get joined, (it’s happened to me several times, but I’m not sure what causes it).

Number one, -I consider this the most important part of my thoughts on this- I loved your poem! Especially where the narrator refuses to put the mirror away and because of that, she becomes a true Evil Queen.
Number two, in poetry grammar (unless you’re trying for a modern media style) there should be a comma after each line that doesn’t already have a punctuation mark. The exception is if two separated lines are tightly adjoined as one thought, such as:

And they
saw them

Since the ‘thought’ or line I should say, is so tight that you don’t need a comma. But in this example:

And they saw them,
There on the wall,
Etc

They require commas because the line can be broken for thought and rhythm.
So that’s just something to consider.

Number three (yeah, I’m probably going to write this post by numbers), I also liked the phrases such as “voice unchained” and “I felt my spirit start to yawn.” They are unique and poetic and hint at the theme, which makes them fantastic:D They show your poetic style and I think that it is fabulous.
Number four, the flow of the whole poem was excellent, though the ending felt slightly rushed (don’t worry about it because I do this 95% of the time with my own poetry), perhaps extend it with a few lines such as “break the mirror before it can speak again” or “don’t listen to the words it tries to speak, it’s lies are worse than winter bleak,” or something like that to make it a little longer. Also maybe reconsider the line “or tantalizing grievous plots” since nothing about grievous plots was mentioned beforehand.

The line “Don’t give heed to tempting thoughts” was extremely good I thought since the whole poem built up a lot on the theme of ‘not giving in’
I think the way you kept your tenses were good actually and the whole poem had such a deep, mysterious aesthetic. I truly enjoyed it and wish you the greatest of writerly wishes with it! 😀

@godlyfantasy12

Of course! I’m glad I was able to help. You honestly don’t write poetry? I thought that that was excellent 😀 It was so much fun to read and interesting and yes, I just loved it!

YES!! That is amazing! It’s better on the length and it fades the poem out more naturally, I think that’s perfect:)

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Abigail.M..
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Abigail.M..

@godlyfantasy12 Wow! I loved this poem, you did such a great job with it. I was also surprised to hear that you don’t write poetry–this is really good!

Now, this is coming from an amateur in poetry, so disregard my comments if they don’t apply:

I noticed that there is no exclamation point in the second “Evil queen! Evil queen!” section here (I think in line 49):

I became strong but also cruel
Wanting only myself to rule.
“Evil queen! Evil queen”

Since you’ve been using exclamation points in the previous “evil queen” sections, it might be good to add one here.

In the new section you added, I noticed that there may be an apostrophe error in the word “you’re”:

Or voices that would steal your heart,

Cold and dark you’re soul will be,

If you don’t listen to the words I speak,

Since “you’re” is a contraction for “you are”, I believe the proper spelling here would be “your”.

That’s all I have for you! This poem is really great and I wish you the best with it. 🙂

@godlyfantasy12

uhhh wow!!! I love it! so good

sorry I’m late on commenting.

I really like it! The flow is fitting, in my opinion; like, how I imagine the queen from how you describe is; lost, suspicious, somewhat regretful, bitter, and mind wandering in the past, so her thoughts are short, blunt, to the point, and not too many details added because she doesn’t care anymore about life. she’s lost in darkness of her past. idk, maybe I totally have missed the mark XD

Honestly, I think it’s very good

well done!