Feedback Wanted.

Okay, I may as well apologize ahead of time. It wasn’t my idea.
I was telling my friend about the wonderfulness that is Kingdom Pen and the first thing she said to me was, “You should put the story we wrote on there!” It’s a fan fiction we wrote in our spare time over the course of a month using characters from random book/tv series. Most of these characters died. I like my friend a lot so I wasn’t gonna say no. Instead I said, “Fine, but only one scene and I get to edit it first.” So I did.
I should probably let you know that the only character which is completely an OC is “Ashlynn.” (My friend based the OC on herself. :-)) The other characters in this scene are mainly from the BBC series “Merlin.”
So ladies and gentlemen, a scene from a fan fiction we have christened Warehouse 7.

I watch raindrops as they stream down my window. Thunder clashes loudly in response to the lightning flashing in the sky. I remember when I would go out fully clothed and dance in the rain. It felt like an eternity past but really it was only a year ago. I shudder as I hear a large thump knowing it was either Merlin or Morgana. Merlin has only gotten weaker. He can barely stand without assistance and doesn’t eat much. He won’t last much longer, everyone knows it. Even he knows it. He’s my best friend in the Warehouse. He’s dying. Thinking about it made me want to cry. I make my way outside and sit in the rain, letting the rain soak my clothes. As I sit there, I hear shouts coming from inside.
“Ashlynn!” a voice shouts from behind. “Watch out for-” I’m knocked unconscious before the voice can finish it’s sentence.
When I come to, I see people around me. Gwaine is in my face smiling…again.
“Rise and shine sweetie!” He says and I frown at him. I look into the mirror and see blood seeping through bandages wrapped tightly around my head. I got up clumsily.
“What happened?”
“Morgana took out Merlin and escaped. When she ran out she saw you in her way and sent you flying across the yard. Morgana is gone.” Ian explains.
“How’s Merlin?” I ask.
“He’s not good. Arthur is with him. We don’t… We weren’t not sure how much longer he has.” I gasp. “No” I burst out of my room and run into Merlin’s room. Arthur sits by Merlin’s bed with tears streaming down his face. I sit down next to him, tears working their way into my eyes.
“Isn’t there anything we can do?” I ask. Arthur ignores me, but in his silence I find my answer. The only person who could possibly save Merlin is Merlin. I nod slowly, trying to work it out in my head. Merlin might die, I think over and over again. Merlin might die, Merlin might die… It wasn’t until the 50th time or so that the reality of it all hit me.
Merlin might die.
I feel tears slowly trace my cheeks, he couldn’t die. I wouldn’t let him.
“How long have you been sitting here.” I asked Arthur.
“I don’t know.” he said absently.
“Go get some sleep,” I tell him, “I’ll have someone come get you the moment anything changes.”
It takes a minute, but Arthur eventually nods and gets up. As he leaves, I take his seat next to Merlin and for a moment just sit there in silence. Then I begin to speak to him,
“Merlin, do you remember the time we pulled that prank on Edmund? You used your powers and made yourself look like the White Witch. You barely pulled yourself out of the disguise before he killed you. Even then he nearly killed you. He does like you, ya know, even if he does pick on you now and again. It’s Peter you gotta watch out for… but don’t tell him I said that.” I smiled. “Merlin you can’t die. Please, I don’t know what I’d do without you.” I continue to cry and mumble to him until eventually I fell asleep.
When I woke up there was a face smiling over me. “Not now Gwaine.” I mumbled, turning over.
“Aaaaassshhhlyyynnnnn…” a voice said. “I said not now Gwaine.” Then it registered, that wasn’t Gwaines voice, it was, “Merlin!!” I said, hopping up and throwing my arms around him. “You’re alive!!!”
“How could I die after that inspirational speech you gave last night? Besides we have a world to save.” He said. I smiled and sat back, content with the world once again.
Merlin began to talk, “You know, I’ve been thinking about that prank we pulled on Ed. And I’ve got an idea for another one, only this time we can be sure we won’t be caught.”

If you’re still read this all the way down here, I would like to thank you for sticking with me. I really do appreciate it. Now one more favor. Let me know what you thought. We want at least one thing you personally think we could have done to improve. I know it will be tempting but please don’t say, “All of it.” It kinda hard to work based off that… 🙂
Thank you so much!!! From both me and my friend.