We’re back with another critique! Thank you all so much for having the courage to send them in! We know it’s never easy to have your writing critiqued, let alone shared for the benefit of others. That takes guts! But we also know that receiving critiques from others is one of the THE BEST ways to grow and improve. Constructive criticism is invaluable! sorcerersdaughterfb

This submission is an excerpt from Greta and Ingrid Dornbirer’s novel, The Sorcerer’s Daughter.

The Critiqued Submission!

“From what I’ve been told, they [my parents] died when I was an infant.

Don’t use brackets in writing in general (parentheses are a better choice), and neither parentheses nor brackets should be used in direct dialogue quotes.  Since you’re trying to quote exactly what they said here, parentheses or brackets are distracting and remove the reader from the direct flow of the narrative.

No one knows how, when, or where.  Miss Gertrude, that’s the owner of the last orphanage I lived at, said they were criminals, and that it’s possible they were executed by the government.   I don’t believe her, though.  She was always trying to make my life miserable.”  I had a sudden thought. “Do you think the reason Sheryn is so mean is because she misses her parents?”

Grayce stood up and moved the bucket full of soapy water to another part of the room.  “No, but I don’t know that much about Sheryn.  I know that Rose has been here the longest—ten years.  She has three siblings, but they all live in different orphanages.  She hasn’t seen them in years and barely remembers them.  Salina and Sara’s mother died after childbirth, and their father died of grief.”

“What about Jennipher?”

“She was abandoned.  Her mother is still alive somewhere but hasn’t come to claim her.”

I stopped scrubbing.  Jennipher was so cheerful; I never imagined what she must have been going through.  I felt sick and wished I hadn’t brought up the subject.

“Ariana!”

I looked at Grayce, who was pointing at the clock.  “What’s the matter?”

“Classes start in ten minutes, and we’re not even changed!”

We rushed around the room, adding final touches to the floor and ceiling.  I looked at the clock again.  We had five minutes until class.

What are they doing to the ceiling?  I get that they’re mopping the floors, but am unsure how the ceiling connects to all of this.

“We don’t have time to change,” Grayce took an apron from the wall and tossed it to me.  “Here, put this on.”

“I don’t even know where the classroom is!” I worried as I tied on the apron.

“That’s all right.  I’ll take you.  Follow me.”

The overall writing quality of this piece doesn’t have any problems as far as I can see.  However, I’m not sure how well this opening works for your story.  The story seems to begin at a rather abrupt place, and it isn’t clear what all we get from this sort of opening for the story, other than learning that the girls are in an orphanage of some sorts.  A fair bit of the dialogue seems rather info-dumpish, too many characters are being mentioned for the reader to keep track of, and it’s rather unclear what is going on here in the story.  My suggestion would be to significantly overhaul this opening so that it’s more clear to the reader where they are (you don’t want to be description-heavy in the opening pages, but you do want some more description than you have here), what the situation is, and why this scene is going to be important to the overall story.

-Josiah DeGraaf

 

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