We are so delighted to be presenting you with our twenty-third installment of KP Critiques!! All of you amazing subscribers who have submitted your work for us to critique, THANK YOU!!! Through your courage you have provided us with substantial material, as well as aided in sharing wisdom to fellow writers. Receiving constructive criticism is never easy, but it’s necessary to grow as a writer!  tobefreefb

So please continue flooding us with your wonderful critiques!

Today’s submission is an excerpt from Tatiana’s novel, To Be Free. 

The Critique

To Be Free 

“Asbee, I have come to expect more from you. I trust you won’t let this happen again,” a round, stern-faced man declared, looking down his nose at his young daughter. “Next time, I guarantee, there will be consequences. Do you understand?”

Hmm. Now I want to know what she did.

The girl bowed her auburn head and meekly answered, “Yes, sir.”

“Good!” her father said, suddenly smiling. “Mr. Jacob, we may proceed,” turning to a balding, hawk-nosed man standing to his right.

“Of course, sir. Miss Asbee, may I escort you out?”

“No, thank you, Sir Jacob.” As she left the room, she muttered, “My legs work just fine…Sir Hawk.” Just outside, there were people – a lot of people – waiting to have their civil cases determined by Asbee’s father. They all stared at Asbee as she walked past. A few tried to touch her, but she stayed by the opposite wall, as far from those grimy hands as she could get. Soon, Asbee saw her chance and ducked through a passageway that she knew lead to the outer courtyard. Once there, she headed to the vista point where she liked to look out over the land.

Now I’m trying to picture this location, but I’m coming up short.

Asbee became so lost in her thoughts, that she didn’t hear stealthy footsteps come up behind her.

A hand was laid on her shoulder and a voice in her ear said, “Hey.” Asbee looked to her right and saw her closest friend, 16-year-old Alastair, who was the son of her father’s advisor, Sir Jacob, who was originally from the province of Jenson in this kingdom of Valor.

Bit of an info dump here.

However, Alastair looked nothing like him. Tall, lean, and blond, he was getting rather handsome. So handsome, in fact, that Asbee had more than once felt her heart flutter when she was in his presence.

So the question is, did it flutter when he laid a hand on her shoulder and spoke in her ear?

“You didn’t scare me, Alastair.”

He sighed and replied, “I never scare you these days.”

“I’m scared enough without you.” As soon as she said those words, she cringed. It didn’t come out the way she had wanted it to. Thankfully, Alastair didn’t seem to notice. He looked out over the view before them.

“How’s Rue these days?” he asked. “I haven’t seen her in a while.”

“She’s doing well. Been spending a lot of time with Camden lately,” she added, secretly hoping Alastair didn’t have a crush on her older sister. Though they were only 3 years apart, Asbee and Rue didn’t look much alike, except for their eyes, which were the same exact shade of green. 17-year-old Rue was petite and blond, with a quiet personality. Asbee, on the other hand, was a tall, boisterous redhead, always looking for adventure, which made it hard for her to get along with most people.

“I’m sure you’re jealous of her, aren’t you?” Alastair asked with a cheeky grin. Asbee blushed. “I used to have a crush on Camden. Not anymore.”

“Uh-hm.”

“Yes. If you were there today, you would know the truth. That’s why I was speaking to my father for so long and disrupting court proceedings.”

Hmmm. I’m a little interested in what she was telling her father now.  Asbee seems to have a disdain for the people going to see her father. Several questions raised in this short passage. Good!
Be careful of handing out info dumps. It’s good to know things, but if it can be worked in without us realizing you’re giving us info then your goal is achieved!
Great job and keep it up!
~Haley Long