With overwhelming delight we are proud to be presenting you with the 22nd installment of KP Critiques!! We enjoy all of the effort and willingness from each and every one of you who has participated. We know the great courage it took for you to submit your work to scrutiny and we thank you abundantly! Keep ’em coming! We love your critique submissions. Even if you’ve already sent one in, don’t hesitate to submit another one!
Thank you Kenya for providing today’s critique!
“Ok. Two minutes. That’s it. Two minutes, and then you and Josh get out there. Ok?” Crouching behind a parked car, Stürm outlined her plan for two of her closest friends, Blue and Josh. Josh nodded. He pulled a bag of skittles from his pocket and began chewing on a handful.
Blue whispered. “What are you going to be doing?”
Stürm looked at him out the corner of her reddish-brown eyes. Loose strands of black hair from her ponytail stuck to the sweat on her face. “I’ll be going first.” She slipped around the rear bumper of the car, and stood up.
At the other side of the alley were three other teens, a pair of boys, and a girl. All wore black vests over dark grey shirts with black jeans. One of the boys stood slightly in front of the others and he wore silver chains on his pockets and black gloves.
This might flow easier if it was written as, ‘One of the boys stood slightly in front of the others, wearing silver chains on his pockets and black gloves.’ Or something along those lines.
He had a loose hood on that was pulled up over his head and the shadow from it fell partially over his face.
“Alone, Stürm?” His voice sounded like a steamroller crushing an eighteen-wheeler. He raised a hand slowly from his side. Out of the pavement before him, a creature with a head like the skull of a ram and skeleton body rose. It shrieked, the power of it shaking the ground.
“I’m never alone, Xavier.” Stürm stood her ground as she stared at the huge monster.
“That’s right.” Blue said as he and Josh stepped out from behind the car and stood on either side on Stürm.
“I thought I said two minutes?” She hissed at them.
“My watch is a little fast.” Blue shrugged. He squared off to the creature.
A distance of maybe fifty feet separated Stürm, Josh and Blue from Xavier, the creature he just summoned and his two friends, when both of Xavier’s friends also raised their hands to shoulder height and two other creatures rose out of the ground. Both had flat faces with mouths full of long sharp teeth and bodies that twisted and writhed like snake tails.
“Great.” Blue rolled his eyes, sounding upset, if not disappointed. “Now it’s even. I was worried I’d have to wait my turn.” He bared his teeth in a snarl, his elongated canine teeth dripping spit.
“I’ll give you a chance to stand down!” Stürm shouted to Xavier. In response, the three summoned
I’d nix the word summoned here. I had to read this over twice to understand that you implied the creatures they had already summoned. I thought they summoned more.
creatures roared and shrieked, shaking the ground again. Two red lights shone from under Xavier’s hood and the violent color was echoed in the eyes of his beast.
“Your problem.” Stürm shrugged, narrowing her eyes, and lowering her ears. She growled, showing her sharpening canine teeth as her nose and mouth lengthened into a muzzle. Her lips and the skin around her eyes darkened to match the silvery fur that spread in ripples from her head to her feet that now were padded like paws. Her nails lengthened and hardened into long sharp claws. A thick bushy tail protruded from the base of her spine and poked out over her the belt of her jeans.
A few too many words in this sentence.
She looked at Blue and Josh and they had both completed transformations as well. Blue’s fur had a striking steely-blue color that he had named himself after. Josh’s fur was the same blond color as his hair and his calm gray eyes stood out against the sand color.
Across the alley, Xavier and his two cohorts opened their hands and pointed at the same time. Immediately, the beasts launched themselves forward. Stürm, Blue and Josh ran to meet them. The crash was deafening as six supernatural enemies collided, sending out a wave of psychic energy.
In short, it was just another day…
So psychic, supernatural beings are on the earth, if I read that right. There didn’t seem to be any indication they were on another planet. This passage does seem to be unemotional. Not really any fear, excitement, or anger, which I’m assuming you may not be going for. Even though you hinted at disappointment, and Blue being upset I wasn’t interested or intrigued. The descriptions were accurate and presented pictures to the brain so good job! A few questions were raised in this short passage which is good!
Keep it up!