The Sea

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  • #16285
    BlueJay
    @bluejay
      • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
      • Total Posts: 1622

      I’ve never written a poem like this before, so I thought I’d see what you guys thought of it and any suggestions that you have to make it better.

      @daeus
      ; @kate-flournoy; @faithdk; @overcomer; @jess; @dragon-snapper; @winter-rose; @ivy-rose; @anna-brie; @warrioroftherealm; @clairec; @spradlin; @jadamae; @hislittlerose; @I-know-I’m-missing-people…..

      Lapping,
      Hissing softly,
      Rising and falling.
      The boats float on it safely,
      Little white caps,
      Blue; green,
      Wet.

      Crashing,
      Roaring loudly,
      Tossing and sinking,
      A mind no man can control,
      Waves reaching high,
      Dark; stormy,
      Cold.

      Still,
      A whisper,
      Everything is calm,
      The storm has passed over
      Sun shines down,
      Shiny; bright
      Sea.

      #16288
      Jess
      @jess
        • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
        • Total Posts: 575

        @bluejay, love the style! I especially like the second verse, but they’re all good! 🙂 I would change the adjective in stanza three, line six, from shiny to clear or something else. For some reason, that word doesn’t seem to fit the imagery. (and you just said shines in the line above it.) Just me being picky. 😛 I love the ocean!

        #16294
        Daeus
        @daeus
          • Rank: Chosen One
          • Total Posts: 4238

          @bluejay You’ve done visual poetry!!!! (I love visual poetry)

          I think it’s great.

          🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

          #16295
          Faith Kindred
          @faithdk
            • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
            • Total Posts: 139

            *Comes out of the shadows* Whew… It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. But life has been keeping me busy 😛 (as always)… Anyway, lovely peom @bluejay! I really like it. 😉

            #16300
            Christine Eaton
            @christi-eaton
              • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
              • Total Posts: 306

              @bluejay I know little about poetry and there are only a few poems I like, but I love this one. The second stanza is my favorite. Plus like the Southern Cali girl that I am, I absolutely love the beach. Great job!

              Theater kid. Currently depressed because I can't stop listening to sad musicals.

              #16303
              Snapper
              @dragon-snapper
                • Rank: Chosen One
                • Total Posts: 3515

                I love the picture you put in my head, @bluejay. Good work!

                ☀ ☀ ☀ ENFP ☀ ☀ ☀

                #16305
                Greta
                @gretald
                  • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                  • Total Posts: 450

                  @bluejay Wow, great poem! I love the shape of it, too. Great work!

                  #16306
                  Sarah Spradlin
                  @spradlin
                    • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
                    • Total Posts: 189

                    @bluejay DUDETTE! THIS IS AWESOME! SUBMIT IT!!! 😀

                    "When enemies attack your kingdom you don't flee you show them why it's your kingdom. With your lightsaber."

                    #16307
                    Ingrid
                    @ingridrd
                      • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                      • Total Posts: 830

                      Ooohhh…lovely. Great work, @bluejay. 🙂

                      A dreamer who believes in the impossible...and dragons. (INFJ-T)

                      #16312
                      BlueJay
                      @bluejay
                        • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                        • Total Posts: 1622

                        @jess; @daeus; @faithdk; @christi-eaton; @dragon-snapper; @ingridrd; @gretald; @spradlin;
                        Awww, you guys. You are all so wonderful. Thanks so much for the encouragement.

                        If you want to suggest topics to write more poems like this I’d welcome them with open arms.

                        (@spradlin, I might just submit this. 🙂 )

                        • This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by BlueJay.
                        #16374
                        Sarah Spradlin
                        @spradlin
                          • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
                          • Total Posts: 189

                          @bluejay YASSSSSSSSSS! ALWAYS SUBMIT!

                          As far as ideas go, you could totally do a series of poems on the miracles of Jesus. That would be really awesome. 🙂

                          "When enemies attack your kingdom you don't flee you show them why it's your kingdom. With your lightsaber."

                          #16411
                          Anonymous
                            • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                            • Total Posts: 1486

                            @bluejay I’m not really a poet so I don’t have much to say other than COOLNESS! I like it.

                            #17046
                            Mallory O’Bier
                            @overcomer
                              • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                              • Total Posts: 550

                              I like this too, @bluejay . 🙂 Cool poem!

                              I agree with @jess about changing “shiny” though. It does stick out just a bit. “Clear” like she suggested might be nice.

                              I don’t think I’d change anything else. Well done! 🙂

                              #17047
                              BlueJay
                              @bluejay
                                • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                                • Total Posts: 1622

                                @overcomer Thanks. I think I’ve changed “shiny” but I’ll go and check. 🙂

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