Home Forums Fiction Writing Critiques Novel Idea Critiques The Books of Leifer! (My trilogy needs help)

This topic contains 70 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by  Aislinn Mollisong 3 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #48666

    Xonos Darkgrate
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    Okay, I just read the portion on this page.

    Here’s what I think.

    1. It’s pretty good, it doesn’t really feel original in the sense that I’ve read stuff that sounds pretty similar and I’m sure others have too, but I think that it was written pretty well with all that detail.

    2. Personally, I enjoy it more when the character “moves around” first. Describing the immediate vicinity of the area appeals to me more than describing the distance or memories. But that’s just my opinion.

    3. I also think that at some points it feels like there’s an overload of description on some things but not on others.

    4. It also felt a bit disjointed at times, as in, there were too many sentences starting the same way with the same feeling that reading through them got tiresome. (though the story itself wasn’t ๐Ÿ˜‰ )

    5. This is again, my opinion. But I think dragons are overused. Perhaps you could change the purpose of dragons other than pets? I don’t want to force you to change your story because of this, but I’m sure that there’s other like me who think that the concept of pet dragons that are “tame” is a bit overused and consequently boring or unamusing.

    Yep, that’s pretty much what I think. Other than all those, I think the piece of story you posted was pretty great! Keep it up. ๐Ÿ™‚

    INTJ- โ€œThe world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel.โ€
    โ€“H. Walpole

    #48669

    Aislinn Mollisong
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    Thanks, XD.
    1. Not original? Ok, I can work with that.
    2. Um…not really sure how I can fix that. But a lot more action happens after this particular section.
    3. NO! DID I INOFO-DUMP?! I really tried not to…where?
    4. Oh. Kay. I’ll see what I can do about that.
    5. Oh, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. If you had read the outline thingy on the first page, you would know some things about the dragons. They aren’t pets. Well, some of them are. But only dragons that belong to random citizens and such. Teine and Terran are not pets. but, you’ll have to wait till I expound on that in later chapters.

    Aislinn Mollisong: Hero!
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    #50831

    Aislinn Mollisong
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    Ok, realized that the last link was locked. Here, KeePers.
    https://docs.google.com/document/d/1M9wPbE-ElWr1tqtDjqACHUxumE_sj25pTx-bLkvwX7s/edit?usp=sharing

    Aislinn Mollisong: Hero!
    "BRING IT ON!!!"

    #51262

    Aislinn Mollisong
    @aislinn-mollisong
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    I’m just going to tag people because I forgot to earlier. @catwing @jess-penrose @dragon-snapper @daughteroftheking @aratrea @daeus @lady-iliara @xonos-darkgrate @silverclaw-bonnetfolly

    Aislinn Mollisong: Hero!
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    #51386

    Lady Iliara
    @lady-iliara
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    @aislinn-mollisong I liked it! The second one was really good. I love how your character has a lot of personality. (I struggle with that for my characters. ๐Ÿ˜‰) Keep up the good work! (Wishing you much luck with NaNoWriMo!)

    ๐Ÿ‘ฐ๐Ÿป๐ŸฆŠ๐Ÿ’ฅ
    ENFJ-T. Arbitrary. Greet at your own risk. *trips on a rock*

    #52188

    Aislinn Mollisong
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    Oya, everyone! I am trying to write a section, and it is “The Legend of the Dragonsong”, or the story of Creation. My problem:

    I think I’m following (breaking?) all of the rules (reverse psychology rules?) of @aratrea and @the-real-kapeefer ‘s video on horrible allegories.ย  Little help?

     

    The Excerpt:

    The story begins with The Unseen One. He created the world, making mountains and lakes, oceans and islands, continents and deserts. Then He made animals, and magical creatures such as centaurs, fairies, and mermaids. He separated them into the seven countries, and gave them magic.

     

    The Unseen One then created the first humans, King Abracham and Queen Erienne. Everything was perfect. There was only one law: They could not go into The Ne’erkan, a dark island off the coast. It was shrouded in sickly, pale green mist, and nothing lived there. If they set foot on the island, they would be cut off from Him forever. The King and Queen obeyed the law, for they loved The Unseen One. All was as it should be.

     

     

    Until someone else showed up. A serpentine dragon with a silver tongue and poison fangs. He found Queen Erienne alone one day, gazing longingly at the dark island. The silver dragon persuaded the Queen. โ€œThe Unseen One wouldn’t abandon you if you explored an island. Aren’t you curious? What can be so bad about a piece of land? There might be some great secret over there, that He doesn’t want you to know. If you knew what was over there, you would know everything He does.โ€

     

     

    Tragically, the Queen heeded the dragon’s lies. She convinced King Abracham to come with her, and they set out for the island.

     

     

    What they found there terrified them. They encountered atrocities like they had never imagined, evils they didn’t know had existed. They tried to escape, but they tore and muddied their royal robes, the ones that He had given them. They finally made it make to their boat, and they fled back to the mainland.

     

    They were ashamed and afraid, so they tried to hide their dirtied robes. But when The Unseen One came to meet them, He knew they were hiding. He called to them, โ€œWhere are you?โ€ They were even more ashamed, and King Abracham cried out, โ€œWe ruined our royal robes, and we were ashamed.โ€

     

     

    The Unseen One knew what they had done. โ€œHow did you ruin your robes? There is nothing here that can ruine them. Did you enter the Ne’erkan, where you are forbidden to go?โ€

     

    King Abracham answered, โ€œI wouldn’t have gone, but Erienne convinced me! I would have obeyed, but she persuaded me!โ€ The Unseen One turned to the Queen. โ€œIs this true?โ€

     

     

    โ€œYes, but the silver dragon deceived me! He lied to me, and told me it would not hurt me!โ€ The Unseen One shook His head. โ€œIf only you had obeyed. There would have been eteranl rewards. But now, since you have done what was forbidden, nothing can be the same. You will have strife and hardship, and pain and eventually death.โ€ The King hung his head, while the Queen began to cry. โ€œBut. I will make a way. I will always make a way.โ€

     

     

    The King and Queen could no longer stay in their castle. They could no longer wear their royal robes. And they would have pain, and suffering, and eventually, death. But they had hope. They kept their faith, that The Unseen One would keep His promise.

     

    P.S. there is more, this is just the most important part.

    Aislinn Mollisong: Hero!
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    #52263

    Aislinn Mollisong
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    Oh, and also, I need help with my TIMELINE! @graciegirl, you said you like time stuff. Also, @catwing @dragon-snapper @daughteroftheking @that_writer_girl_99 I think that’s it? Answer, and I will ask the question.

    Aislinn Mollisong: Hero!
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    #53028

    Catwing
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    @aislinn-mollisong I can try to help… I don’t now if I can or not. I know about timelines and am figuring out my own dimension/time traveling stuffs. You could ask me I suppose.

    Interesting allegory. I can’t think of a critic right now though…

    #53345

    Aislinn Mollisong
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    @catwing Ok here we go.

     

    So, my prophecy is given to the people after Darian disappears.

    Darian should be younger than 30 when Amber finds him.

    Amber is 15 and Brendan is 16.

    The prophecy is given before they are born.

    I don’t know when to time anything. Help?

    Aislinn Mollisong: Hero!
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    #53449

    Catwing
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    @aislinn-mollisong So if Daren is 30. Then Daren would need to disappear at least 16 years ago. Meaning he would at the most have been 14. Is that what you were wondering?
    If he just doesn’t need to hear about it, you could play with the ages within a couple years probably…

    #53835

    Aislinn Mollisong
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    @catwing Yes, thank you. I actually had a small idea thing that the prophecy could be given before Darian disappears. It would complicate things a bit….butย  it would simplify some others. Thanks! 14 is how old I thought her would be.

    Aislinn Mollisong: Hero!
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