Home Forums Fiction Writing Critiques Novel Idea Critiques The Books of Leifer! (My trilogy needs help)

This topic contains 70 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by  Aislinn Mollisong 2 months ago.

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  • #46090

    Aislinn Mollisong
    @aislinn-mollisong
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 379

    I will post the new one tomorrow, because I think I broke Kingdom Pen. It keeps going weird when I try to post it…

    Signed, Aislinn of Aethasia.
    *salute*

    #46149

    Aislinn Mollisong
    @aislinn-mollisong
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 379

    Chapter 1
    Fire in Tirnagh

    The fire leaps and dances,
    Throwing sparks from its whirlwind twirls
    And no one can guess
    What it will catch next
    So be careful, lass, when the fire is near.

    I straightened, putting my hands on my back and stretching. I stayed like that a moment, drinking in the glorious heat of the midday summer sun, my eyes shut against the brilliance. Then I relaxed, shook my head, and resumed my glaring at the wilted, drooping plants in my pitiful garden plot. They stood like defeated soldiers, stubbornly refusing to grow and prosper under my decidedly un-green thumb. Not like Terra’s. That girl could grow anything, absolutely anything, and it would have the biggest fruits, or the most colorful blossoms, or petals softer than clouds.
    I was a little jealous. I mean, who wouldn’t be? If your sister could grow the most beautiful flowers ever seen by anyone overnight, and you could barely keep weeds alive, you’d be jealous too. Oh, well. I don’t really care about gardening anyway.
    I stretched my cramped arms, surveying the midsummer landscape. The vibrant, rolling hills covered in rippling grass to the east. The vast, blindingly blue ocean to the west, gleaming so bright you could hardly look at it without wincing. The dark, mysterious Myrthtree Forest to the north, spanning hundreds of miles. The prairie plains to the south, dotted with small villages and farms. My island, my home. The island of Tirnagh.
    I bent to pick up my tools, brushing my long, dark hair out of my face. Teine? Come here, girl. I called. I looked around for my dragon. She must be at the creek. Teine loved splashing in Lyra Creek, the stream near our house. She would spend hours chasing fish and jumping around. Ember. I am coming. The delightful voice rang through my thoughts. Smooth, lyrical, and exuberant, Teine’s voice belonged in my thoughts as much as a tree belongs in a forest.
    Teine emerged from a cluster of ansewood trees, shaking water droplets from her glistening crimson skin. She circled around me twice, then nuzzled her head against my chest, hrrring and flicking her wet tail. Diamond droplets flew from the tassel at the end of her tong tail, some hitting my face. I laughed as I wiped them off.
    “Were you swimming in the creek, darling?” I asked, caressing her wet muzzle.She hrrred again, shaking her head and sending more water flying. “We should start home. We can’t be late for our own party, now can we?” In response, the dragon slipped out of my arms and nosed my gardening tools, probably signalling that we should get going. I bundled them into my arms, and headed down the narrow dirt path that led from the garden to the cottage.

    Signed, Aislinn of Aethasia.
    *salute*

    #46167

    Aislinn Mollisong
    @aislinn-mollisong
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 379

    Note: These are not the full chapters. Just as much of the new one as I had done.

    Signed, Aislinn of Aethasia.
    *salute*

    #46169

    Catwing
    @catwing
    • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
    • Total Posts: 1610

    @aislinn-mollisong I think the second is better. *nods* yes.

    Ambassador of the Kingdom of Allore
    Writing a Catwing Christmas that is as madder as the hatter.

    #46200

    Aislinn Mollisong
    @aislinn-mollisong
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 379

    Thank you, @catwing. I think so too. After this part, I have about 2,243 more words that I wrote today.

    @rolena-hatfield Would you like to take a look?

    Signed, Aislinn of Aethasia.
    *salute*

    #46241

    N. C.
    @daughteroftheking
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 885

    @aislinn-mollisong Methinks the second is better. You’ve done a good job writing in first person, and making it sound like a real person’s thoughts.

    But not without regard for the double negative!

    #46249

    Aislinn Mollisong
    @aislinn-mollisong
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 379

    Thanks, @daughteroftheking ! That’s mostly what I was going for. I’ve actually never written a real thing in third person before, my only experience is “me” telling the story. I really should’ve thought of this earlier…

    Signed, Aislinn of Aethasia.
    *salute*

    #47294

    Aislinn Mollisong
    @aislinn-mollisong
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 379

    Hey @xonos-darkgrate want to take a look? Don’t worry, there is *lots* of intrigue and other stuff like that. 😉

    Signed, Aislinn of Aethasia.
    *salute*

    #47298

    Xonos Darkgrate
    @xonos-darkgrate
    • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
    • Total Posts: 135

    Sure, I’ll check it out later when I have time. Today is REALLY busy for me.

    INTJ- “The world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel.”
    –H. Walpole

    #47299

    Aislinn Mollisong
    @aislinn-mollisong
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 379

    Kay, perfect! Actually going to choir right now, so i wouldn’t have been able to read your response anyway. @xonos-darkgrate

    Signed, Aislinn of Aethasia.
    *salute*

    #48505

    Xonos Darkgrate
    @xonos-darkgrate
    • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
    • Total Posts: 135

    Alright, what exactly would you like me to check out? (I’m too busy with school to look through everything, heh heh….)

    @aislinn-mollisong

    INTJ- “The world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel.”
    –H. Walpole

    #48656

    Aislinn Mollisong
    @aislinn-mollisong
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 379

    @xonos-darkgrate I would absolutely love it if you read those two samples, and tell me the pros and cons of each one. I will leave you to it, Sir Magistrate of the RS. (hehe, no one here knows what that is…)

    Signed, Aislinn of Aethasia.
    *salute*

    #48657

    Aislinn Mollisong
    @aislinn-mollisong
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 379

    Ok, so I am having a hard time with some details. In particular,

    Is having two moons cliche? I wanted to have two moons, (especially since the second book involves the moon as an important factor) but I’ve already read several books with that particular setup, and am now wondering if it would be overused.

    Help?

    Signed, Aislinn of Aethasia.
    *salute*

    #48658

    Xonos Darkgrate
    @xonos-darkgrate
    • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
    • Total Posts: 135

    Okay, in regards to the two moons thing, I haven’t read too many books with that setting so I’m fine with it. But what I think would be REALLY interesting is for you to only have one moon, but in that book where two are needed, something happens to make or cause a second to appear. Evoking a sense of surprise, wonder, and not-so-cliché-ness. That’s just my opinion/idea. I don’t know if you’ll like it or not.

    Okay, where are the two samples you want me to read. This page is one I think… but I can’t find the other.

    INTJ- “The world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel.”
    –H. Walpole

    #48660

    Aislinn Mollisong
    @aislinn-mollisong
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 379

    Just on the last page, @xonos-darkgrate. Thanks! That’s actually a really good idea…I’m goin’ tae think on that.

    Signed, Aislinn of Aethasia.
    *salute*

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