Home Forums Fiction Writing Critiques Novel Idea Critiques The Books of Leifer! (My trilogy needs help)

This topic contains 70 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by  Aislinn Mollisong 5 days, 8 hours ago.

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  • #43249

    Aislinn Mollisong
    @aislinn-mollisong
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    @catwing. Please don’t, they are my first draft and actually pretty horrible.

    That is a good idea, I can totally see that happening!

    Here is the prophecy….

    Ember-girl only will find the heir,
    Leaf-boy only will enter the Ne’er,
    Both will be needed, to put all to rights,
    Both will be needed, in justice’s fight,
    With the hearts of dragons, they shall arise,
    To save all of Leifer and mend severed ties.

    Wind-girl will save you, when all seems lost,
    Water-girl keep you, from storms as they toss,
    Though one be weakened and one led astray,
    Together they conquer, and light up the way,
    Both dragons at heart, and loyal, and kind,
    Though some may reject them, their light will still shine.

    Dragon-boy guard you from unfriendly skies,
    From desperate battles, victorious rise,
    He will protect you, the weak and the small,
    He will protect you, from tragedies all,
    Even in ending his stories you’ll sing,
    Of Dragon-boy’s power, as long reigning king.

    Aislinn Mollisong: Hero!
    "BRING IT ON!!!"

    #43345

    Catwing
    @catwing
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    Please don’t what? Critic? @aislinn-mollisong Okay, I’ll limit myself to one thing. Omit the words ‘boy’ and ‘girl’. I think it would add to the mystery… And confusion.
    I like it. *wonders if she should do a thread for her book.* Muh ha ha!
    I read your first chapters (to get to know the characters a bit better). The black thing was intresting. Anyway, if you still need middle ideas…
    They get separated and realize they need each other to complete their mission.
    Another guy comes along that Brendan thinks him and Amber like each other But Amber is acually annoyed by them.

    #43428

    Aislinn Mollisong
    @aislinn-mollisong
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    @catwing I didn’t mean critique, I meant….don’t read it at all. Too late, but whatever.

    1. Good idea, I can see how that would work.
    2. This actually happens more toward the end, when Amber gets captured. She gets really mad at Brendan for some reason (I will figure it out) and so she goes off on her own, thinking she doesn’t need him. And then, she does. Of course.
    3. Hmmmmm……Not that this isn’t a good idea, but it wouldn’t really work with this particular story. This isn’t really a love-triangle kind of a book. This is more of a two-people-working-toward-a-common-goal-and-falling-in-love-along-the-way type book. Or something like that.

    Thanks for the feedback and ideas! I am now almost 5 pages in! How great is that?!

    Aislinn Mollisong: Hero!
    "BRING IT ON!!!"

    #43445

    Catwing
    @catwing
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    @aislinn-mollisong I thought you said something about him liking her so I was just thinking he could be worried she might like someone else… He could doubt himself.
    You’re welcome. *realizes you don’t need any more ideas* Glad to help.

    #43446

    Catwing
    @catwing
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    @aislinn-mollisong But if you posted it then why would you not want me to read it?

    #43467

    Aislinn Mollisong
    @aislinn-mollisong
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    @catwing ehhhhh….

    Cuz that was my first draft. And it wasn’t my best work.

    Also, its fine about that idea! Just doesn’t quite fit, that’s all.

    Thank you for all the help! I’m on the second chapter now!

    Aislinn Mollisong: Hero!
    "BRING IT ON!!!"

    #43469

    Catwing
    @catwing
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    @aislinn-mollisong Okay. 😉 You’re welcome.
    Yay! Progress!

    #45838

    Aislinn Mollisong
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    I probably should have figured this out by now, (what with being 6 pages in and all) but I am having second thoughts about my perspective choice. I have been writing third person, but I think it would be better as first person. Does anyone have any thoughts?

    Aislinn Mollisong: Hero!
    "BRING IT ON!!!"

    #45839

    Elizabeth
    @that_writer_girl_99
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    No worries. I’ve gotten several chapters into a story before realizing that I needed to change the perspective. If that’s what you think is best, than I say go for it!

    https://www.wonderingwriter.com

    #45842

    Shannon
    @shannon
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    @aislinn-mollisong, I hate to say it, but I really have little or no experience with fantasy…I don’t have any advice to give you unfortunately. I guess I will just have to sit this one out. Sorry about that!

    @daughteroftheking Nice to know I’m part of the calvary! 😉

    MBTI: ENTP
    Dreamer, singer, & avid reader

    #45843

    Daeus
    @daeus
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    @aislinn-mollisong First of all, I just read your prophecy and had to say you did a great job with it.

    As for writing in first person, I think that could work great. Of course, third person could work great too. I’d recommend trying them both out and seeing which one you like better.

    #45883

    Aislinn Mollisong
    @aislinn-mollisong
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    Thank you @daeus and @that_writer_girl_99 ! I was rethinking it because I just read two amazing fantasy books where they were in 1st person, and it was epic! The characterization was so much better because you were inside Crisa’s/Mina’s mind, thinking their thoughts. And I write in first-person most of the time anyway, so I might be better at it.

    Aislinn Mollisong: Hero!
    "BRING IT ON!!!"

    #46076

    Aislinn Mollisong
    @aislinn-mollisong
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    Ok, @daeus @catwing @daughteroftheking @that_writer_girl_99 @dragon-snapper I have progress! Which of these is better?

    Aislinn Mollisong: Hero!
    "BRING IT ON!!!"

    #46082

    Catwing
    @catwing
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    Which of what? @aislinn-mollisong

    #46085

    Aislinn Mollisong
    @aislinn-mollisong
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    Uhh, let me try that again…
    Chapter 1
    Fire in Tirnagh

    Amber straightened, putting her hands on her back and stretching. She paused like that a moment, basking in the sunlight, her eyes closed against the brilliancy of the sun, drawing the heat into herself. Then she relaxed, and shook her head. She glared down at the wrinkled, droopy plants before her. Her tiny garden plot was already mostly dead, with a few hardy shoots still desperately clinging to life. Oh, well. She could never get anything to grow, not even weeds. Terah, on the other hand, could grow incredibly healthy, beautiful flowers almost overnight. Amber was, to be honest, a little jealous. But then again, she didn’t much like gardening anyway.
    She surveyed the landscape, the rolling hills to the east, the vast ocean to the west, the plains to the north, and the dense forests to the south. Her island. The land of Tirnagh.
    She bent down to gather up her tools, pulling her thick dark hair out of her face as she did so. Teine? Come here, girl. she called to her dragon. She looked around, but didn’t see Teine. She must be at the creek, Amber thought. Then she heard, Ember. I am coming. Teine always called her Ember. Amber could feel her dragon approaching, and from the trees emerged a brilliant scarlet dragon, her crimson scales glistening in the sunlight. “Were you swimming in the creek, darling?” Amber asked, caressing Teine’s wet muzzle. Teine hrrred and flicked her tail, sending water droplets flying through the air. “Well, we should start home. We can’t be late for our own party, now can we?”

    Aislinn Mollisong: Hero!
    "BRING IT ON!!!"

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