Song for my book

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  • #64557
    Jackson Graham
    @warrioroftherealm
      • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
      • Total Posts: 115

      @daeus

      Well done sir. The style and feel is very reminiscent of Tolkien (in a good way). #Silmarillion

      One of the highlights of my afternoon!

      Jackson E. Graham

      http://jacksonegraham.wixsite.com/jackson-e-graham

      #64564
      Daeus
      @daeus
        • Rank: Chosen One
        • Total Posts: 4238

        @christianna-hellwig @rochellaine @emma-flournoy @that_writer_girl_99

        Thanks so much for your suggestions, everyone! Here’s what I have now.

        “Oh, stars that remember the firstthings forgotten
        How earth and its peoples were early begotten
        They looked and beheld through a pane of dark glass
        The earth in a swirling, untamable mass
        From darkness flowed mountains and valleys and seas
        By The Lord Of The Stars and his hidden decrees
        Song-master was he, and this his delight
        To guide the star-dancers through the courses of night
        The bright ones who saw it from first to the last
        Remember what joys and what terrors then passed

        “Their lord, Yashael, whose feet are like fire
        Who orders their steps with his sky-spanning lyre
        Beholding Nelwynda, the least-star in rank
        He smiled at her[ Or: “most comely he smiled.” Not sure which is better.] and this oracle spake
        ‘Behold how the lowly shine bright when they dance!
        And by dint of my tune is their beauty enhanced
        So too have I thought to make lofty the simple
        And in planes[ This was intentional as in a geometrical plane in space, but perhaps plain might be more clear.] down below to inhabit a people.
        For story I love, and it shows well my power
        When small things grow tall by day and by hour’

        He flew down to earth and made war with its waters
        Preparing a place for his sons and his daughters
        By song upon song, he made each living thing
        And by song upon song he formed four special beings.
        Mankind, the firstborn, to dwell in the drylands
        And Ublidek, after, to settle the wetlands
        Meridin, blessed ones, to fill all the seas
        And little Teedletiden he fashioned for the trees
        For all of these a city, Letharill, he made
        Its glory was established that it should never fade[ I’m unsure about the meter in these last three lines, especially lines 1 and 3.]

        In those days Menthril, star-son—prince of his kin
        Heard the voice of Yashael and longing possessed him
        For deeply Menthril loved a song and every art
        And every song he heard gripped him by the heart
        For unto beauty was Menthril next to a brother
        His skin was starlight; his eyes shone like no other
        His hair was black as night and black as fate
        In this alone was Menthril wrong—he could not wait
        For Yashael had said, “Learn by my song and see
        Earth’s patterning, and how all things should be”

        But Menthril ached to sing and so he crept outside
        Of Letharill where his works he thought to hide
        Like morning birds he sang, his anthem soft and sweet
        Then vines rose high and blossoms round his feet
        As fair as anything yet made, but poisoned too
        And glad Menthril rejoiced, for yet he thought them true
        Then far roamed he from Letharill with his seed
        Of songs untempered and little paid he heed
        To thorns that grew — their sting he did not know
        But when they pricked his flesh, they filled his song with woe

        Then woe-children came to him of tooth and claw and fang
        At the sight of these broken he was smit with a pang
        Like dark stars inside him, was terror unleashed
        And he birthed from him monsters and terrible beasts
        Then ended his song for he scarce could draw breath—
        The star-son loved beauty but his hand had wrought death
        Lonely, his tears fell. His beasts bid retire
        They followed with haste the command of their sire
        Then Menthril took council at what he had done
        And every foul work of his fingers he shunned

        Like a drunkard he staggered to Letharill bound
        With fear that the sons of his song should be found
        But, lo, in a hollow where mold and ash clung
        A place for which stars weep and no songs are sung
        At rest on a pillar, a flute of stone lay
        And dark seemed to call him to come and to play
        Then scarce could he hold back; his chest burned like fire
        The maddest of follies became his desire
        No passion has equalled by woman or man
        The passion of Menthril who took it and ran

        At Letharill harbor, he called to the Meridin
        And summoned mankind, Ublideck, Teedletiden
        Saying, “Come, hear my music and drink of its fervor
        Its passion will last you from now to forever
        Sing, we may not, but we need not be mute
        The stars have shown kindness and lent me this flute!”
        And false though he knew it, he led them astray
        On the shores of Letharill he started to play
        His tune was unfettered and wild and free
        It was darker than midnight and cold as the sea

        His hearers cried out but did not turn away
        As those who stand fixed by a blood-spattered fray
        The Meredin only had wisdom to see
        The song would engulf them unless they would flee
        All others were taken and held in a trance
        They uttered the tune in their great ignorance
        They moaned with the music and screamed with its power
        And welcomed inside them a poisonous flower
        Darkness, the patient, who knows how to wait
        Now entered in swift through their souls’ open gate

        But ere they drank all of the gall of their blunder
        The Lord Of The Stars came down with his thunder
        And shouted, ‘Oh, mortals! Is it too hard to wait?”
        You have chosen your wine, and you swallowed down fate!
        Now, Menthril, be quiet and hear my decree
        When all men have perished, yet still shall you be
        And war you shall watch throughout lengthening time
        Between stars and darkness and call this work thine
        And the woe of this battle and blood that is shed
        Shall be thy hard pillow and fiery bed

        Then unto the others he uttered this saying
        That rightly brought fear and yet was their saving
        ‘No more may your hands touch the world made with song
        For surely like Menthril you would use it for wrong
        The monsters of Menthril shall slay and devour
        Yet lest you should perish, I give you a power
        The bards I will fashion to guide and to shield
        And grant them half song-land to have and to wield
        In likeness of man I shall tailor their form
        For man brought this curse like a maleficent storm’

        Oh, stars that remember the firstthings forgotten
        Of earth’s brighter days and then its corruption
        Still we may see in the dark heavens dancing
        Your heavenly forms and your pale light entrancing
        May as we watch you perform in the night time
        Know that our healing will come at the right time
        But till that day comes we will keep our swords sharpened
        And sing songs of old with the tune of the harp and
        Join you at sunset when the clouds give us chance
        Awestruck to see that in dark the lights dance

        Awestruck to see that in dark the lights dance

        🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

        #64565
        Daeus
        @daeus
          • Rank: Chosen One
          • Total Posts: 4238

          @warrioroftherealm *salutes* Awesome!

          🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

          #64567
          Rochellaine
          @rochellaine
            • Rank: Chosen One
            • Total Posts: 3322

            @daeus Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner.  I am usually only around here in the morning and evening…so anyway…

            This version is much smoother.  In answer to your comments:

            Stanza two; “Most comely he smiled” is better, because otherwise we try to drag “and” out into two beats.  The reason for this is probably that almost all – if not all (I didn’t count all of them) – your lines are either eleven or twelve beats long, while if you used “He smiled at her” that line would be only ten beats long.

            Stanza three; A couple suggestions I have are “And little Teedletiden he chose for the trees” or “And little Teedletiden he set in the trees.”  For the last line you could just cut out a couple of words like this: “Its glory established, it never should fade,” or “Its glory established, should nevermore fade,” or something like that. 😀

            And one comment of my own: In the second to last stanza “For surely like Menthril you would use it for wrong” feels too long, though in counting syllables it technically isn’t.  Would it be possible to chance “you would” to “you’d”? (I realize that you are trying to be formal here, so that might be too casual of speech for this, but I do think it would read smoother if you did that or something else to shorten the line.)

            Everything else looks, feels, and sounds great! 😀

            "Sylvester - Sylvester!"

            #64572
            Emma Flournoy
            @emma-flournoy
              • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
              • Total Posts: 1352

              @Daeus

              ‘Most comely he smiled’ is better

              And little Teedletiden he fashioned for the trees
              For all of these a city, Letharill, he made
              Its glory was established that it should never fade[ I’m unsure about the meter in these last three lines, especially lines 1 and 3.]

              Maybe instead: ‘And little Teedletiden he fashioned for trees

              For all these a city, Letharill, he made

              Its glory was established that should never fade [which maybe slightly changes the meaning? But not too much…]

              (I can’t get my lines to stay together without space in between. It’s sad.)

              For deeply Menthril loved a song and every art
              And every song he heard gripped him by the heart

              For Menthril loved deeply a song and all art

              And all songs he heard gripped him by the heart

              Then far roamed he from Letharill with his seed — it helps the meter to cut the ‘his’ in this, though it does make it slightly more vague. Not too much I think.

              Join you at sunset when the clouds give us chance — actually probably better as just ‘when clouds give us chance’

              Otherwise, bravo! Much better. It’s great.

              (The quotations are still inconsistent but probably because they just haven’t been changed yet. *jaunty salute*)

              #64579
              Ariella Newheart
              @ariella-newheart
                • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
                • Total Posts: 141

                @daeus First off, that poem is amazing. So very beautiful. 😀

                Uhhh…. I think I’ll just leave my suggestions here. The bold text is what I would change. Continue at your own risk. 😛

                They looked and beheld through a dark pane of glass
                To guide the star-dancers through the paths of night
                The bright ones who saw it from the first to the last

                Earth’s patterning, and how all things are meant to be

                And twisting vines with blossoms rose around his feet

                Then ended his song for he scarce could draw a breath—

                No passion has been equalled by woman or man

                INFJ. An extroverted introvert who loves to write and draw.

                *disappears into the shadows*

                #64587
                Daeus
                @daeus
                  • Rank: Chosen One
                  • Total Posts: 4238

                  Thanks everyone! @emma-flournoy @ariella-newheart @rochellaine

                  I think I’ve got it now. I’ll come back to this a few months from now to see if I can make any small improvements, but I think it’s generally solid. 😀

                  🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

                  #64588
                  Daeus
                  @daeus
                    • Rank: Chosen One
                    • Total Posts: 4238

                    Oh, one more question. Do you prefer the ending lines:

                    “Awestruck to see that in dark the lights dance”

                    or

                    “Awestruck to see that in night the lights dance”

                    ???

                    🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

                    #64594
                    Elizabeth
                    @that_writer_girl_99
                      • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                      • Total Posts: 1819

                      “Awestruck to see that in dark the lights dance” @daeus

                      Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.

                      #64600
                      Emma Flournoy
                      @emma-flournoy
                        • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                        • Total Posts: 1352

                        @Daeus Yay! *lemonade and cheesecake for all*

                        I definitely prefer “Awestruck to see that in dark the lights dance”.

                        #64683
                        Ariella Newheart
                        @ariella-newheart
                          • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
                          • Total Posts: 141

                          ^ I concur. @daeus


                          @emma-flournoy
                          Oooh cheesecake! \^o^/ Yummy.

                           

                          INFJ. An extroverted introvert who loves to write and draw.

                          *disappears into the shadows*

                          #64977
                          Emma Flournoy
                          @emma-flournoy
                            • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                            • Total Posts: 1352

                            @Ariella-Newheart Oh yeah. ;P

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