"Silver Strings" Poem

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  • #10422
    Jada Morrison
    @jadamae
      • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
      • Total Posts: 199

      Hey @Everyone,
      This is a poem I wrote yesterday, and would like your opinion on. (@kate-flournoy, @Daeus, @writefury) Especially on which line sounds/works better in the 2nd stanza. Here it is…

      Melodies flow from silver strings
      As the player draws her bow
      Song flows full and free
      Sometimes fast, sometimes slow

      Spotlights shine on the scene
      The varnished wood of the violin gleams
      Everyone sits in silence
      As her fingers with music teem /OR/ As their ears with pleasure teem

      She fully realizes the power she holds
      In her hand that draws the bow
      With it she hopes to lead
      Many to the Living Water’s flow

      She understands music speaks to hearts
      In a way that words cannot
      It can encourage a weary soul
      And stop tear’s onslaught

      With a final crescendo she ends her song
      Her audience stands and applauds
      As she takes a bow and leaves the stage
      She knows she doesn’t deserve the laud

      All the honor she gives to God
      Knowing to HIM it is due
      All our talent comes from Him
      So for Him, let us our talents use

      #10425
      Kate Flournoy
      @kate-flournoy
        • Rank: Chosen One
        • Total Posts: 3976

        It’s quite beautiful— love the title! A few lines I would change, just for the sake of better rhythm. The first is

        Spotlights shine on the scene

        I would just replace ‘on’ with ‘upon’. And the last line of that stanza… I’m not sure which would work better, or if either would work best at all. You might try saying something about a ‘dream’ instead of having to use ‘teem’— fingers can’t really teem, music can’t, and ears can’t really either. 😛

        She fully realizes the power she holds

        ‘She knows full well the power she holds’.

        She understands music speaks to hearts

        ‘She knows how music speaks to hearts’.

        And that’s pretty much it! Love it— I don’t play the violin, but I do sing, and this is the mindset I try to have when I do it for others. 🙂

        Daeus
        @daeus
          • Rank: Chosen One
          • Total Posts: 4238

          Sure @jadamae

          I’d just do some little things to make it flow better. First of all, I’d agree with what Kate said, so I won’t repeat it. Here are my ideas:

          Stanza 1, line 4: Might shorten to “Some fast, some slow”

          Stanza 2, line 2: Take out the “the” at the beginning

          Stanza 3, line 3: Add “them” to the end.
          Line 4: Take off “Many” from the beginning.

          Stanza 4, line 3: I would change to “It lifts on high the weary soul”
          line 4: “And stays the tear’s onslaught” might work better.

          Stanza 5, line 4: I would change to “She knows who deserves the laud”

          Last line: Might say, “Let’s serve him in all that we do”

          🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

          #10435
          Greta
          @gretald
            • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
            • Total Posts: 450

            Wow, this is beautiful poem, @jadamae. About the last line of the second stanza, I personally like “as her fingers with music teem” better, but they’re both beautiful.

            #10437
            Rosey Mucklestone
            @writefury
              • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
              • Total Posts: 467

              Great job, @jadamae! 😀 I think the “as their ears with music teem” has a better rhythm to it in that line.
              Kate and Daeus caught pretty much everything I would have pointed out (darn you fast people) so no other complaints here. 😛

              #10445
              Jada Morrison
              @jadamae
                • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
                • Total Posts: 199

                Thanks, everyone!


                @Kate-flournoy
                I implemented almost all your suggestions 🙂 It’s funny becuase I actually used “know” in those two lines before, but didn’t want to overuse it. Now I think I actually like the coherency it gives to the poem. The only thing I’m still not sure about is the the line I had two options for. Maybe “Everyone sits in silence, as in a wonderful dream”? Not quite sure if that makes sense either.. 🙂


                @Daeus
                Those are some really good suggestions. There are few things I think I’ll keep the same, but ones for stanzas 2, 3, and 4 are really helpful.

                Thanks for your help! I definitely will watch out more for my rhythm in the future. It is easy for me to focus on the rhyme and meaning, but in a poem, the rhythm is just as important.

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