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So I’ll give some background on the scene here. My hero (well, side character actually) was injured very badly by the bad guys and still saved by the bad guys for a reason he doesn’t know.
This is the first scene the bad guy really talks about anything regarding his plan and this is a bit of a turning point at how they treat the good guy.
Anyway, any ideas are appreciated, and there are plenty more scenes I can put up if you guys like them. 😉“Well, Mr. Winter. You seem to have a bit more color this morning,” Dr. Übel closed the door quietly behind him as he stepped into the white-walled room and gave Cobalt a smile.
“What color? I feel green.”
“I’ve got something to talk with you about,” Übel began, pulling up the chair next to Cobalt’s cot.
“Yeah, me too,” Cobalt wiggled his toes under the thin blanket covering him.
“I’m sure you do.”
“I want shoes,” Cobalt pushed his socked foot out over the edge and raised an eyebrow at his captor.
Dr. Übel blinked, “What?”
“Please. Pretty please.”
“Wait… why do you want shoes?” he asked.
“My feet are cold,” answered Cobalt matter-of-factly.
“But you have socks.”
“My socks are cold too.”
“And a blanket.”
Cobalt snorted, “You call this half Kleenex sheet a blanket? I could out this on a blanket fort and still see everyone through it.”
Übel sighed, “You have no need of shoes. I can get you some backup socks and a blanket if you are cold, but we have no shoes to spare. Especially for you.”
Cobalt stuck out his lower lip in a mock pout and thumped himself back on the pillow, “I’m your patient, though.”
“Yes, you are. But I see to your necessities, not your whims. So drop that ridiculous face and listen.”
Cobalt rolled his eyes and pulled in his lip.
“We… we here at this base… have a reason for all we’re doing,” Dr. Übel folded his hands between his knees and looked very seriously at Cobalt, “We fight for a cause. All this seeming evil is towards a larger, good goal.”
“I bet.”
The doctor stood angrily, “Believe me, you young upstart! There’s much more at stake here than you realize!” He ran his hands over his hair and walked a little ways away in an attempted calm manner.
Cobalt sat there, a little taken aback by the outburst. What on earth was this guy so serious about?
Dr. Übel let out a sigh and turned back to Cobalt, his lips tight. “There are many who suffer under the current government and the oppression of the general public. We look to alleviate that suffering and create a new world. To start over and give these downtrodden a new chance. We’ve let many with the same goal join us in this endeavor and…” he made a few silent gestures with his hand as he looked up at the ceiling, trying to find the right words,
“… I will offer the same to you. Will you join us in eliminating the undeserving and giving place to those who need a future?”
Cobalt stared at him, “I won’t be eliminating anyone. And certainly not with any plan of yours at the head. End of story.”
“Then you deserve anything you get at our hands,” Übel said, reaching for the doorknob, “Sorry for wasting your time, Mr. Winter.”
The door slammed shut behind him and Cobalt heard something be kicked over in the hall.First of all, just let me say… this guy Cobalt— I like him. A lot. He’s a distinct, funny personality, well characterized, consistent… and he has the most amazing name. Cobalt Winter. That’s perfect. I love it.
Now.
Overall the scene is very good. There wasn’t really much I could find to pick on generally, but there were a few places where the flow was interrupted in several different ways. I’ll show you what I mean.
1.
“You call this half Kleenex sheet a blanket? I could out this on a blanket fort and still see everyone through it.”
While these are both fantastic lines, I don’t quite get what the last one means. He could… what this on a… a blanket fort? What on earth is that? I just don’t quite get what he’s saying here. You should probably clarify it.
2.
Believe me, you young upstart!
It seems like you need a stronger word than upstart to express Mr. Uber’s vexation. When he says ‘upstart’ he sounds like someone who was raised not to call people names, and so settled for something less than what he really felt because he can’t quite get over the habit of being halfway polite. Also, he then proceeds to walk away in ‘an attempted calm manner’. That sentence in itself doesn’t quite make structural sense, and it also doesn’t quite fit with his shouting earlier. I understand that he’s trying to calm down, but the transition wouldn’t realistically be that smooth.
I didn’t find any other specific sentences or really anything else to criticize specifically. What I’m about to say may or may not be a bad thing, depending on how you crafted Mr. Uber and this… cause he’s working for.
A lot of what he says sounds like thinly veiled propaganda. The words are very typical and falsely enthusiastic, and it just seems like if he were trying to convince Cobalt (excuse me, Mr. Winter), who is obviously not by any means incredibly dull, to join them he would use less blatant words to propagate his position.Oh, and for that great last line, I think you should replace the ‘be’ with ‘being’.
And I really, really, really like Cobalt. Just saying. 😀
Hope this was helpful!
“I want shoes,” Cobalt pushed his socked foot out over the edge and raised an eyebrow at his captor.
Dr. Übel blinked, “What?”
“Please. Pretty please.”
“Wait… why do you want shoes?” he asked.
“My feet are cold,” answered Cobalt matter-of-factly.
“But you have socks.”
“My socks are cold too.”*sighs, shakes head despairingly*
This kid is unbelievable.
This sounds like a great story. Keep it up.
My one stickler was “Wait… why do you want shoes?” The “Wait…” gave me more of a Cobalt impression than a Dr. Übel impression. It breaks his otherwise fluent character.
As far as “Upstart”, I personally thought it was perfectly fine. I did get the impression that this doctor was just the type to be easily angered, but not severely angered.
And for the propaganda issue, propaganda is just the way the blinded think. They legitimately expect you to accept it for its ear pleasing sound and not for its logic. If you respond logically, they will think you a fool. I think you got it right Rosey.
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@kate-flournoy
Thanks! So glad you like Cobalt. 😀 I fixed that typo thing with the blanket fort and had him just say he could put it over his head and still see everyone through it. But, definition-wise for the blanket fort, you’ve made a fort from chairs and blankets, haven’t you? I just meant that. Because Cobalt probably still makes them. 😛
@daeus
Cool, thanks. I deleted the “wait”. 🙂“My socks are cold too.”
I love that line!
INTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.
Thanks, @hope! 🙂
That little snip of dialog actually came all by itself when I was making notes a few chapters before. 😛
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