Home Page âş Forums âş Fiction Writing âş Critiques âş Novel Idea Critiques âş Rook's Book Blurb
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January 1, 2018 at 12:02 pm #58611Anonymous
- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1486
Hey Keepers!
When a writer has consumed two energy drinks and canât fall asleep, itâs only natural that she writes a back-of-the-book blurb for her story at one in the morning.
Would you guys mind giving it a critique? Do I share too much about the story? Iâm struggling with a few parts and want to hear your opinions.
Here it is:
A different bodyguard would give anything to protect a member of the Slate family.
Not Rook. Not if his ward was a lady.
Cocky Rook Warren is afraid of girls. Or at least, thatâs what his fellow bodyguards assume. Rook has managed to avoid female charges for the entirety of his young career, and heâd like to keep it that way. But when the prodigy is anonymouslyâand specificallyârequested to protect Amy Slate, the only daughter of a wealthy family of Telir, he is forced to take the job.Â
Aided by his aloof panther and his perpetually annoyed best friend, Rook starts his mission. Heâs determined to escape what he deems an unnecessary task by whatever means available, whether itâs by frustrating his ward and her shy fiancĂŠe into firing him or finding and convincing his mysterious employer to release Rook from the contract. But Amy needs his protection more than he realizes. Before he can drop the mission killers close in, giving him a choice. Will he run from the men who want Amy dead, or will he remain and risk repeating a past defeat he wishes to forget?
Another bodyguard would give anything to protect a wealthy lady from Telir.
Not Rook. Not when he could fail her.
Thoughts?
Tagging: @Daeus @Kate-flournoy @dragon-snapper @ethryndal @emma-flournoy @ingridrd @graciegirl @Jane-maree @Mariposa @audrey-caylin @anyone else
P.S. Happy New Year!
January 1, 2018 at 12:07 pm #58615@Winter-Rose I love how you tied it together at the beginning and end; nice work. đ
Overall, I think itâs pretty strong. I do think you could cut this one line: Before he can drop the mission killers close in, confronting him with a choice. Will he run from the men who want Amy dead, or will he remain and risk repeating a past defeat he wishes to forget?
I see that thereâs backstory there, but I think the blurb overall is stronger without it.
Also, I had to read the last line twice to get itâs meaning. At first I thought you mean heâd fail her on purpose because failing is preferable, so duh, why would he protect her? But when I read it again, I saw that he FEARS he will fail her, and thatâs the problem. You could just replace âcould fail herâ with âmight fail herâ.
Now I want to read this. đ
@winter-rose Okay, Iâm not sure if itâs just me, but it seems like him being afraid of girls is a little overemphasized.
Maybe if it were a little more concise, like this: Any other bodyguard would give anything to protect her.
Not Rook Warren. He is terrified of girlsâor thatâs what his fellow bodyguards assume. Rook has managed to avoid female charges his entire young career, and heâd like to keep it that way. But when the prodigy is anonymouslyâand specificallyârequested to protect Amy Slate, the only daughter of a wealthy family of Telir, he is forced to take the job.
I like the premise and I donât think you are telling too much about the plot. It might be worth mentioning the name of his annoyed best friend though. đ
I hope your New Year is spectacular! Let me know when Rook is finishedâI canât wait to read it! đ
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January 1, 2018 at 3:58 pm #58637Anonymous- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1486
@kate-flournoy Ooooh you might be right. I do like that backstory, but it may be better without that line.
I was wondering if that could be taken wrong after I posted it. Thanks for mentioning it. đ
@mariposa Hm, you may have a point. Iâm going to see if others takes it that way. Oh I do like that condensed version. I struggle with wordiness. I may have to trim it down a bit.Great! Iâll see if I can wiggle Peterâs name in there. đ
Thanks! Iâm sure Iâll announce it here when Iâm ready for betas đ
January 1, 2018 at 6:10 pm #58644@winter-rose Be sure to put me and Aberdeen on your beta-readers-in-waiting list. đ
January 1, 2018 at 7:42 pm #58652@Winter-Rose ooh I love it. The others have said my thoughts basically, but I would echo that yes, my first impression was that it was a little long, so if you could cut down some of it, it might be better.
Writing Heroes ⌠Writing Hope // janemareeauthor.com.au
@winter-rose XD This sounds really funny
Iâm guessing Rook is actually an alternate version of Sam, from another dimension?
I donât have much experience with blurbs, but I like this one. It seems slightly long, like the others are saying.
âA different bodyguard would give anything to protect a member of the Slate family.
Not Rook. Not if his ward was a lady.â
Couldnât you cut those two lines out, if you wanted? Because you explain again that he has to guard someone from the Slate family, and that heâs afraid of girls, and hint at his backstory, later on
Although those are two rather nice lines
- This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Sam Kowal.
*Giarstanornarak tries to melt chair*
Also, Daeus has 22 turtles in his signature.January 1, 2018 at 9:47 pm #58665@winter-rose I like it overall, but Iâm confused on a couple of points.
First of all, the reason he doesnât want to guard Amy⌠from the first line, it seems that he doesnât like the Slate family. From the second line, it seems that he specifically doesnât like Amy. From the third line it seems that he just doesnât like girls in general.
Iâm also a little confused on the backstory part. Has something happened in the past that causes him to not want to guard females? However, if youâre trying to make people interested in your book, it definitely works! đ
Â
Besides That, itâs really good. Sounds like a fairly original story to me. If that was a blurb on the back of a book, Iâd read it.
A Kapeefer for life!
Compendium of KP Literature: kapeeferliterature.wordpress.comJanuary 2, 2018 at 10:09 am #58681Anonymous- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1486
Thanks everybody! Iâll take this troublesome blurb and see if I can whip up a suitable second draft with all of your feedback in mind.
@Mariposa đ I will.
@Jane-maree Alrighty. Thanks for the conformation! đ
@sam-kowal Truuuuue, but I do like how it frames the blurb. And I may cut out that last backstory thing. Perhaps if I make the first couple lines a little more vague it wonât seem like Iâm being repetitive. Iâll see what I can come up with for the second draft.Haha not quite. XD Rook is a bit less agreeable. An less of a wimp. đ So it may be a problem if the blurb makes it seem like he isâŚIâll have to work on that too. đ
@supermonkey42 Ah, gottcha. Thanks for telling me your impressions. Itâs quite helpful to hear them. Iâll take the blurb and see if I can make the second draft clearer. And yes to your second question.Thanks! Good to know. Now if I could only get the blurb to cooperateâŚ.
I love your title, btw. đ
Â
January 2, 2018 at 11:04 am #58690Anonymous- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1486
Alright! Second draft time.
Another bodyguard would give anything to protect a lady from the Slate family.
Cocky Rook Warren is afraid of girls, or at least thatâs what his fellow bodyguards assume. Thanks to a horrific failure staining his past, Rook has sworn off all female charges and has managed to avoid them for the entirety of his young career. But when the prodigy is anonymouslyâand specificallyârequested to protect Amy Slate, the only daughter of a wealthy family of Telir, he is forced to take the job.
Aided by his aloof panther and his perpetually annoyed best friend Peter, Rook starts his mission. Heâs determined to escape what he deems an unnecessary task by whatever means available. Unknown to him, however, his protection is all but unneeded.
Another bodyguard would give anything to protect a wealthy lady from Telir, but not Rook.
Not when he could fail her.
What do you guys think? Do you like it better without âwhether itâs by frustrating his ward and her shy fiancĂŠe into firing him or finding and convincing his mysterious employer to release Rook from the contract.â or is it too vague that way?
Thanks a ton, guys :).
@supermonkey42 @sam-kowal @jane-maree @mariposa @kate-flournoyJanuary 2, 2018 at 11:21 am #58692@winter-rose Oh, I like this one! Hmm, I think itâs fine with or without âwhether itâs by frustrating his ward andâŚetc.â
How about instead of ending with, âAnother bodyguard would give anything to protect a wealthy lady from Telir, but not Rook,â reword it to âAnother bodyguard would give anything to protect Amy, but not Rookâ (since youâve already established that sheâs from Telir and that sheâs wealthy). But still keep âNot when he could fail herâ the same. Other than that, Iâd say itâs pretty near perfect. đ
January 2, 2018 at 11:34 am #58693@winter-rose I like the new one! It read a lot smoother than the first, and I wasnât confused. I donât think you need the extra line; it adds too much info.
I really donât see anything else I would change. *thumbs up*
A Kapeefer for life!
Compendium of KP Literature: kapeeferliterature.wordpress.comJanuary 2, 2018 at 1:18 pm #58696@winter-rose I love the updated one
I think there needs to be something more connecting the first sentence with the second, though.
It would work great early on to have
Another bodyguard would give anything to protect a lady from the Slate family.
BUT Cocky Rook Warren is afraid of girls, or at least thatâs what his fellow bodyguards assume.
The only problem is, you use âbutâ later on with
But when the prodigy is anonymouslyâand specificallyârequested to protect Amy Slate, the only daughter of a wealthy family of Telir, he is forced to take the job.
which could change to
ITâS ONLY when the prodigy is anonymouslyâand specificallyârequested to protect Amy Slate, the only daughter of a wealthy family of Telir, THAT he is forced to take the job.
And that would link things together more
Changing the whole thing to
â Another bodyguard would give anything to protect a lady from the Slate family.
But cocky Rook Warren is afraid of girls, or at least thatâs what his fellow bodyguards assume. Thanks to a horrific failure staining his past, Rook has sworn off all female charges and has managed to avoid them for the entirety of his young career. Itâs only when the prodigy is anonymouslyâand specificallyârequested to protect Amy Slate, the only daughter of a wealthy family of Telir, that he is forced to take the job.
Aided by his aloof panther and his perpetually annoyed best friend Peter, Rook starts his mission. Heâs determined to escape what he deems an unnecessary task by whatever means available. Unknown to him, however, his protection is all but unneeded.
Another bodyguard would give anything to protect a wealthy lady from Telir, but not Rook.
Not when he could fail her. â
- This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Sam Kowal.
*Giarstanornarak tries to melt chair*
Also, Daeus has 22 turtles in his signature.January 2, 2018 at 3:35 pm #58714@Winter-Rose Well I basically agree with everything theyâve already said, so⌠yeah. *thumbs up* In all honesty, I seriously want to read this story. It sounds hilarious.
Only complaint is this:
But when the prodigy is anonymouslyâand specificallyârequested to protect Amy Slate, the only daughter of a wealthy family of Telir, he is forced to take the job.
The âprodigyâ part had me confused for a couple seconds, because I thought you were talking about someone he needs to protect, not Rook himselfâwhich made the entire sentence a little jarring.
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