Remembrance Poem-what do you think?

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  • #9173
    BlueJay
    @bluejay
      • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
      • Total Posts: 1622

      This is a poem I wrote in remembrance of the men who fought in World War II. I have had quite a lot of feedback on it, but I’d like to see what you guys all think. Here you go-

      Bombs exploded, bullets stung
      Orders were to fight then run
      For the men who went to war.

      Little food and dirty water
      Life was sometimes just man slaughter
      For the men who went to war.

      Comrades fell and lay there dying
      The enemy continued firing
      At the men who went to war.

      Some were young and some were old
      All of them so brave and bold
      Were the men who went to war.

      Blood was shed, limbs were lost
      This war they fought, it had a cost
      For the men who went to war.

      Stuck in brains; a nightmare’s there
      A story that’s too raw to share
      For the men who went to war.

      Parents mourned and widows cried
      When papers told which men had died
      So many men who went to war.

      Diggers buried at Gallipoli
      Never to return to their home country
      For many men who went to war.

      The war was over, the living returned
      They told a tale that helped us learn
      About the men who went to war

      So once a year, on a special day
      We think of the sacrifice they made
      Those men who went to war.

      #9176
      Daeus
      @daeus
        • Rank: Chosen One
        • Total Posts: 4238

        Hay hay! You use rhyme. I’m a rhyme-aholic myself.

        One of the best things about this poem is that overall the rhythm of the words is pretty smooth.

        Personally, I don’t think I would have had the last line of every stanza a near or exact copy. That is a good poetic trick, but I would tend to only do that when there are at least four lines per stanza or preferably more. This would not work too well for a poem of this length, but for some of my shorter poems, I will often have a last line or two that is shared between the first and last stanzas but is not in the middle ones.

        🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

        #9184
        David B. Hunter
        @dbhgodreigns
          • Rank: Wise Jester
          • Total Posts: 89

          I like it, but don’t you mean World War 1?

          #9188
          Jada Morrison
          @jadamae
            • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
            • Total Posts: 199

            I think it’s really good! I actually liked how you repeated the last line, but @Daeus knows a lot more about poetry than I do.

            #9201
            BlueJay
            @bluejay
              • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
              • Total Posts: 1622

              @dbhgodreigns Yes you are right. Oops 😉

              @jadamae
              and @daeus that is what I’m getting all the time. 😀

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