Home Forums Poetry Poetry Critiques Please critique! Three poems here.

This topic contains 7 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  The Impossible Girl 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #30253

    The Impossible Girl
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    I wrote these poems in year 9, and I know I can improve them…
    The Serpent
    The sly serpent slithers along the ground
    Towards his victims, hissing in their ears
    Many yield to the lies and their sweet sound
    How can they listen? It’s all that He fears

    They point out the faults in those who believe
    They hang them, burn them and ever condemn
    They incessantly refuse to receive
    The love of their Father who mourns for them

    One day their eyes will be opened, just wait
    They’ll see their mistake and cry for His love
    He’ll await them arms wide at heaven’s gate
    The serpent will be crushed, they’ll meet the dove

    The sly serpent slithers along the ground
    He exits now, by the fate he is bound.

    Ode of the Sunflowers
    The sun is ever smiling
    The sunflowers beam in return
    Even though the garden’s whiling
    They refuse death, and appear to yearn
    Yearn for what? Or who? I don’t know
    The world is congested with cruelty, corruption and pain
    There is nothing that makes this life worth living
    As sure as the wind seems to blow
    The sunflowers believe that soon there’ll be rain
    But I’m afraid this drought is unforgiving

    Loving always is the way of the sun
    The sunflowers adore him evermore
    They pray for those who have none
    Their optimism brings them to the fore
    They say “by His stripes we are healed
    We are saved”
    I don’t need saving, but am intrigued by their ideals
    These fools have convinced me, life’s purpose is revealed
    That what I have craved
    Was only to share in their joy that nothing conceals.

    Faith
    Death, sickness, sorrows
    The world is corrupt as many may see
    Life, joy, tomorrows
    “Why have you forsaken us?” counter the cynics in blind glee

    “We don’t see the sun,” say the moles, hiding in their burrows
    “Come into the light,” plead the blithe birds
    “He has not healed,” say those in the shadows
    The beauty of this world is no mistake, just pray

    Faith moves the largest mountains
    Faith opens the eyes of the blind
    Faith in drought produces fountains
    Faith, opinions it can sway

    Faith, opens doors
    Faith, where is yours?

    #30289

    Daeus
    @daeus
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    @f5a8c3e92 Do you mean age nine? If so, I’m really impressed.

    Not that they’re Byron or anything, but for a nine year old, they’re quite good.

    I feel really bad, but for once I can’t really pinpoint what needs to be improved with these poems. I know there’s some tone, methodology, or approach about them that’s all the same but I don’t know what it is.

    Anyway, I think if you kept practicing, you could produce some pretty good stuff.

    #30350

    The Impossible Girl
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    @daeus Haha. No. These are from when I was in grade 9. Sorry if that was confusing.

    #30352

    Daeus
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    @f5a8c3e92 Ah. Still pretty good though.

    #38395

    Widdrim
    @widdrim
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    Hey @f5a8c3e92 ! I think these are a good start for 9th grade. I don’t know how in-depth a critique you want if you still want one, but here are some thoughts!

    The Serpent
    – I think you have some good alliteration and some good diction (await, yield, condemn). I like the idea behind it, but I think one central image or moment would focus it. Poetry functions best when it’s really concrete. Think about your senses and incorporating them. How does the snake sound in the grass? What does it taste in the air when it flicks its tongue out?
    – “Their Father who mourns for them” is a nice line!

    Ode of the Sunflower
    – I think you’re doing some good wondering in this poem, especially the first paragraph.
    – The last four lines make a really fast twist from doubt to total belief– There’s some good dissonance with “These fools have convinced me,” but it seems abrupt. We don’t really see what it is that convinces you. Their faith? That they somehow keep growing even though there isn’t any rain?
    – I also like this poem the best! Sunflowers are a great, concrete image, and I would encourage you to run with it!

    Faith
    – The first stanza hints at some great things! I want to see more of the tangible discontent the critics are hinting at before the resolution. Doubt and pain are real problems we have to wrestle with as Christians, so I appreciate you tackling them!
    – The “faith” lines are a little cliche. I like that you’re drawing from biblical imagery, but the lines are so short they can’t develop, and the current phrasing is pretty worn.
    – I’m also not sure what the driving idea is? It might be because it’s late here lol. “Faith” is an abstract concept, so if you want to write about it, I would suggest finding a more tangible image to explore it through.
    – I’d recommend “Psalm” by Emily Warn (it’s free on Poetry Foundation’s website :). It’s a really good, faith-based poem that’s also very grounded and solid.

    Nice start! If you like rhyming poetry but don’t want to worry so much about meter (because meter is so hard. single tear.), but don’t want to move completely to free verse, you could look at forms like rondeau, sestina, or a villanelle 😀 Keep writing poetry!! If you do revise these, I’d love to read them.

    #39258

    The Impossible Girl
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    @widdrim Sorry for the late reply. School’s been hectic. 😛
    Thanks so much for your feedback. I love being able to resurrect old pieces of writing.

    #39263

    Shannon
    @shannon
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    @f5a8c3e92 sorry, I just saw this. These are great poems. I especially like “The Serpent”

    #39265

    The Impossible Girl
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    @shannon Thanks. 🙂

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