April 12, 2017 at 7:25 pm #30253
I wrote these poems in year 9, and I know I can improve them…
The sly serpent slithers along the ground
Towards his victims, hissing in their ears
Many yield to the lies and their sweet sound
How can they listen? It’s all that He fears
They point out the faults in those who believe
They hang them, burn them and ever condemn
They incessantly refuse to receive
The love of their Father who mourns for them
One day their eyes will be opened, just wait
They’ll see their mistake and cry for His love
He’ll await them arms wide at heaven’s gate
The serpent will be crushed, they’ll meet the dove
The sly serpent slithers along the ground
He exits now, by the fate he is bound.
Ode of the Sunflowers
The sun is ever smiling
The sunflowers beam in return
Even though the garden’s whiling
They refuse death, and appear to yearn
Yearn for what? Or who? I don’t know
The world is congested with cruelty, corruption and pain
There is nothing that makes this life worth living
As sure as the wind seems to blow
The sunflowers believe that soon there’ll be rain
But I’m afraid this drought is unforgiving
Loving always is the way of the sun
The sunflowers adore him evermore
They pray for those who have none
Their optimism brings them to the fore
They say “by His stripes we are healed
We are saved”
I don’t need saving, but am intrigued by their ideals
These fools have convinced me, life’s purpose is revealed
That what I have craved
Was only to share in their joy that nothing conceals.
Death, sickness, sorrows
The world is corrupt as many may see
Life, joy, tomorrows
“Why have you forsaken us?” counter the cynics in blind glee
“We don’t see the sun,” say the moles, hiding in their burrows
“Come into the light,” plead the blithe birds
“He has not healed,” say those in the shadows
The beauty of this world is no mistake, just pray
Faith moves the largest mountains
Faith opens the eyes of the blind
Faith in drought produces fountains
Faith, opinions it can sway
Faith, opens doors
Faith, where is yours?April 13, 2017 at 9:05 am #30289
- Rank: Chosen One
- Total Posts: 3821
@f5a8c3e92 Do you mean age nine? If so, I’m really impressed.
Not that they’re Byron or anything, but for a nine year old, they’re quite good.
I feel really bad, but for once I can’t really pinpoint what needs to be improved with these poems. I know there’s some tone, methodology, or approach about them that’s all the same but I don’t know what it is.
Anyway, I think if you kept practicing, you could produce some pretty good stuff.April 13, 2017 at 7:17 pm #30350
@daeus Haha. No. These are from when I was in grade 9. Sorry if that was confusing.April 13, 2017 at 7:19 pm #30352July 30, 2017 at 1:35 am #38395
- Rank: Bumbling Henchman
- Total Posts: 16
Hey @f5a8c3e92 ! I think these are a good start for 9th grade. I don’t know how in-depth a critique you want if you still want one, but here are some thoughts!
– I think you have some good alliteration and some good diction (await, yield, condemn). I like the idea behind it, but I think one central image or moment would focus it. Poetry functions best when it’s really concrete. Think about your senses and incorporating them. How does the snake sound in the grass? What does it taste in the air when it flicks its tongue out?
– “Their Father who mourns for them” is a nice line!
Ode of the Sunflower
– I think you’re doing some good wondering in this poem, especially the first paragraph.
– The last four lines make a really fast twist from doubt to total belief– There’s some good dissonance with “These fools have convinced me,” but it seems abrupt. We don’t really see what it is that convinces you. Their faith? That they somehow keep growing even though there isn’t any rain?
– I also like this poem the best! Sunflowers are a great, concrete image, and I would encourage you to run with it!
– The first stanza hints at some great things! I want to see more of the tangible discontent the critics are hinting at before the resolution. Doubt and pain are real problems we have to wrestle with as Christians, so I appreciate you tackling them!
– The “faith” lines are a little cliche. I like that you’re drawing from biblical imagery, but the lines are so short they can’t develop, and the current phrasing is pretty worn.
– I’m also not sure what the driving idea is? It might be because it’s late here lol. “Faith” is an abstract concept, so if you want to write about it, I would suggest finding a more tangible image to explore it through.
– I’d recommend “Psalm” by Emily Warn (it’s free on Poetry Foundation’s website :). It’s a really good, faith-based poem that’s also very grounded and solid.
Nice start! If you like rhyming poetry but don’t want to worry so much about meter (because meter is so hard. single tear.), but don’t want to move completely to free verse, you could look at forms like rondeau, sestina, or a villanelle 😀 Keep writing poetry!! If you do revise these, I’d love to read them.August 8, 2017 at 12:50 pm #39258
@widdrim Sorry for the late reply. School’s been hectic. 😛
Thanks so much for your feedback. I love being able to resurrect old pieces of writing.August 8, 2017 at 12:59 pm #39263
- Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
- Total Posts: 454
@f5a8c3e92 sorry, I just saw this. These are great poems. I especially like “The Serpent”August 8, 2017 at 1:04 pm #39265
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.