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@That_Writer_Girl_99 *runs in huffing and puffing* I took a break, but I’m back now.
Whoops, wrong forum. *shuffles away embarrassed.*
Er…this isn’t the Writer’s Corner… @jess But I’m glad to have you back!
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
It’s okay! @jess Happens to the best of us.
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
@kate-flournoy @ethryndal @daeus @dragon-snapper @jess @winter-rose @aysia-serene I have the first write-up of the second chapter of this done, if anyone wants to take a look?
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
Okay. So…I guess…I need to come up with how I want Kara’s character to progress, and then outline it from there?
@That_Writer_Girl_99 yep. Sounds like a plan. I’m here if you have any questions. I’ll try my best to answer. 😉 And sure, go ahead and post it, or do a link to a google doc or something. 🙂https://docs.google.com/document/d/16Fp5D7pKF1SwuVVegM6Ke2kz8PuxVSj0qQb8LpaL2UU/edit?usp=sharing
@kate-flournoy I’m not sure if this works…I’ve never used Google Docs before…Um, does it automatically save?
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
@That_Writer_Girl_99 good work. Really, you’re off to a great start kicking your story into action. That’s something I had to learn the hard way— how to start a story and keep the pace from the very first sentence. You’re doing great.
The few things I do wanna mention are more ways you could improve the prose itself than for the structure of the story.
One, I noticed you don’t use descriptions much. Have a lovely article that you’ve probably already read: Three Ways You May be Wasting Your Descriptions.
Two, you don’t do a lot with the body language of your characters. Instead you rely on Kara’s internal reactions to tell us what the characters are acting/feeling like. Reactions can be very powerful, but standing alone they’re a bit shaky. The other characters were difficult to visualize and cloudy in their characterization because they weren’t alive— they weren’t moving. Not that they were frozen, but that they only made the expected human motions— eating. Glaring. Scoffing. There is nothing about these that tells us anything about the personality of the character doing it. For example, take your words.“Yeah, I think so.” Bianca sounds just as startled as the rest of us. “What’s he have to do with any of this?”
This is good— You’re using a character’s reaction to tell us something (that the Warden talking to them is unusual) but it could be stronger.
Bianca jerked her head up and scowled at the speakers with wide eyes. Her hands dropped from where she’d jammed them into her pockets and hung motionless at her sides. “Yeah, I think so.” She blinked. “What’s he have to do with any of this?
There’s a handy little thing to remember to help you with fixing this. Never name an emotion. If you have to tell us she sounded startled, you’re not showing us and we don’t connect as well.
So, body language. And not just their hands or heads or eyes, though those are all important. Tell us how their faces move— how when Matthias smiles one corner of his mouth tilts up and the other in. How Kendrick taps his fingers against his belt and compresses his lips when he’s impatient. How Bianca tilts her head to flick that strand of hair out of her eyes when someone talks to her. These little bodily signs are what brings them alive and helps us feel their emotions. Without them, it’s difficult to view a character as their own person.One more example.
The announcement plays over the speakers again, and this time the Warden sounds anxious, almost…irritated.
is stronger if you say
The speakers blare again, louder, and this time the Warden’s usually calm voice buzzes and crackles through the cafeteria like a wasp trapped in the speaker system. I freeze, stare at the speakers wide-eyed for a moment, then bite my lip and duck out of the cafeteria into the hall. Is he… irritated? Or is that just my imagination?.
It develops the strange inner world you have going here in the prison a lot more. With a premise as unique as this, most of the development and information happens in subtext, and the strength of subtext is details.
Also, I was a bit confused at first that the cafeteria seemed so new to Kara, as she’s been there in the prison her whole life. Maybe make more of a point to show how she’s never cared to go to the cafeteria before.
Otherwise, great. Awesome note to end the chapter on. 😀 Are Matthias, Ava, and Bianca going to be important characters as the story progresses?
Oh my goodness, Kate. You’ve given me soooo much to think about and it makes me very, very happy.
Ugh, you’re right. I rely on dialogue and inner expressions way to much. It’s something that I’m trying to fix, and this is the perfect time to start. Use better body language. Got it. I’m not sure why that’s so difficult for me to write…probably because I forget that just because I see it in my head doesn’t mean it’s on the page. *winces*
Did it seem like Kara was entering the cafeteria for the first time? That wasn’t intentional. I’ll have to back and fix that…oops.
Matthias, Ava, and Bianca are examples of the friends Kara could have if she chooses to stay in the prison/side against Blake’s side of the Thematic truth. They’re much like Kara in that they were taught not to ask questions. They do as the guards tell them to, obey all the rules. They’re lazy, in that they certainly aren’t the type to stick up for themselves or their friends.
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
Okay, descriptions. I feel like I’m trying to go back and figure out what I did on a math problem. Only I’m having 10x more fun with it.
How much is too much? How long should the descriptions be? @kate-flournoy
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
@That_Writer_Girl_99 ehhhh… there is no hard and fast rule. The nearest thing I can give you to a rule is this tip: don’t repeat impressions you’ve already made. (Something else I had to learn the hard way. ;P)
For example, don’t mention in one place that someone is confused, then mention it again later. Writing is all about change. If it hasn’t changed, don’t mention it because it isn’t important. And strong words are preferable to many. Just keep that in mind.And it sounds like Matthias and Ava and Bianca are going to be used to good effect with the theme. 😉 Nice work.
Okay. I’ll keep a look out for it now that you’ve mentioned it, but I think I’ll wait and add changes later. @kate-flournoy
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
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@that_writer_girl_99 I read over your chapter and I really like it! I enjoyed the characters and want to know what happens next!
I left some comments on the document itself, just about a few typos and such. Other than that I pretty much agree with Kate (awesome advice @kate-flournoy, BTW. Quite helpful),though I didn’t get the impression that the cafeteria was new to Kara.
Keep up the good work! 🙂
Thank you, Gabrielle! That means a lot.
though I didn’t get the impression that the cafeteria was new to Kara.Funny you say that! I’ll probably take a look at it to smooth over the part where Kate was confused. @winter-rose
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
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