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@that_writer_girl_99 It’s the whole ‘we’re freaks because we’re different and want freedom and need to rebel against society’ thing.
"Not all who wander are lost."
Wild Australian. INXJ.@That_Writer_Girl_99 um… Kara? *scrunches her eyes up* Shortish light brown hair… plain face that could be pretty if she smiled… (like most faces. 😀 ) fairly big eyes that are probably somewhere between blue and grey… almost blunt nose… probably fairly large-boned when it comes to build, but not particularly big. She looks bookish to me. Wonder why? 😀
And those look like some really good themes. How do you organize them? I mean, which do you choose to focus on and why, and which themes support the others? Figuring that out will make it a lot easier to focus your story.
–the influence of media on society
–loneliness
–dealing with hypocrisy
–accepting differences
–bravery vs. cowardice
–intelligence vs. ignorance (and the side-effects of ignorance)
–the dangers of prideThose are all really great themes. But if you try to focus on them all equally and all majorly you’re gonna get pretty tangled up. The thing with themes is, the smaller themes should play a supporting role to the major ones.
Say your Primary Theme is intelligence vs. ignorance. (Love that one).
Two themes you could choose to support/illustrate that are the dangers of pride (pride that makes you think you know everything, maybe?) and the influence of media on society. (Which is actually more a theme of truth vs. perceived truth, or even trust. Is trust bad? Who should you trust in? That’s a whole different branch of themes right there… 😛 ).
If you take the trouble to tie all your themes together to illustrate and flesh out the main point you want to make, your story’s going to be a lot stronger.I’m not sure what others said, but this is my review.
I really love this! The whole thing, especially the plot. The idea is great, and I cannot wait to see what happens next. But as for my critical side. If you feel as if I am melting your work, please tell me. I don’t want to be too mean. 😀This is the life I wish I had. This is the normal routine I wish I lived every day. But I do not.
But I do not, seems like she’s wishing a random wish. Perhaps if you switched the two sentences so that it is like this–this is the normal routine I wish I lived every day. This is the life I wish I had.
‘town called brooks’, you said this twice–the second time you could probably just call it Brooks, since we know it’s a town.
who knows where should be who-knows-where
Over the coming decades, the prison was expanded, until it towered above every other building in the town.
first thing about this sentance–over the coming decades, if it is coming the second part should be the prison expandied. Either: over the coming decades the prison expanded, o-or- over the decades the prison was expanded until they reached above the other buildings (or at least, it was something like that) … and secondly, this doesn’t match with the sentence -Today the prison stands at five feet aboveground. Compare these.
Quick grammar technicality. For a sentence of dialogue cut in the middle, it should be put like this: “I’m not blind,” says Tam. With a comma, because that is a whole sentence, it should not have a period in the middle.
Why? Don’t you wish you could do something? Say something to get the Warden’s attention?”
She replies to this with a ‘no’, but it confuses me because that is not a yes or no question. It would be better without the no and just leave the because and the following phrase
The fact that these guards simply mutter to themselves as they drag Tam away seems odd. I would think that they would be very mad at her, yelling and whatnot, especially if they’re anything like Brady. I mean, six guards come in to see their friend half-melted to death, and all they do is mutter. I think their reactions might be different.
Overall, I love this! Your syntax is great, and I like how she reads history and knows about how the world outside operates, like what some other people said in how it could be cause for some great conflict. Again, this is great!
☀ ☀ ☀ ENFP ☀ ☀ ☀
@that_writer_girl_99 And even after all that, I forgot to tag you. 😛
☀ ☀ ☀ ENFP ☀ ☀ ☀
@f5a8c3e92 But that’s just it–the Elementals know they’re freaks, but the are scared of their powers. They’re being forced to think that the prison is the best thing for them–that they would be worse off outside as opposed to the safety of the prison walls.
I know you can’t see it in this little snippet, but Kara doesn’t want to leave. Before Tam was taken, she had everything she wanted–a place to live, food, books, friends. Tam’s abrupt departure makes her stop and think about what the prison really is, and she starts to question if she’s being told the truth about why she’s in the prison in the first place.
And it isn’t just Kara. All of the Elementals are reluctant to leave. They’re afraid of the people outside.
I know it sounds like the story ends there–like the whole concept is a really small idea that isn’t going anywhere–but I’m working on expanding it. This page is giving me lots of new things to think about, and I’m excited to see where it goes.
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
@dragon-snapper Oddly enough, I didn’t realize that any of the issues you listed above could be considered incorrect–thanks for pointing those out!
But as for my critical side. If you feel as if I am melting your work, please tell me. I don’t want to be too mean.
Oh, please. One of the reasons I joined KP was so I could eventually get critique on my work, however soft/hard it may be. No worries there.
The fact that these guards simply mutter to themselves as they drag Tam away seems odd. I would think that they would be very mad at her, yelling and whatnot, especially if they’re anything like Brady. I mean, six guards come in to see their friend half-melted to death, and all they do is mutter. I think their reactions might be different.
Oops, you’re right about the guards. I guess that is a little anticlimactic…
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
@kate-flournoy The concept of themes is actually quite new to me, so any advice you have for me is welcome.
That’s an awesome description of Kara. If I could draw, I probably would have tried to sketch out her features, but I can’t…unfortunately.
The more I think about it, the more I feel like the theme you liked the best, intelligence vs. ignorance, is the most relevant to the different plot-points I’ve brainstormed. The problem for me is getting that theme from my head to the story in a subtle way…Any thoughts?
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
@That_Writer_Girl_99 ooooohhhhhh boyyyyyy… *grins monstrously**chuckles evilly* You have no idea what you just set in motion. I just took a whole long beautiful course that this wonderful place of Kingdom Pen put together on mastering theme and you ask me for help—!!! YESSSSSS!! Bliss!!! *closes eyes**sighs happily*
Tell you what. Give me some time to organize my thoughts and I will get back to you as soon as I have a coherent answer. That fine?
Uh, yes. I’m still struggling to digest everything that’s been said on here…
It’s incredible. Honestly. You guys have no idea how much this means to me. After 12+ years of writing by myself, I actually have someone else giving me ideas and telling me what I could do differently… @kate-flournoy
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
@that_writer_girl_99 She has books? Sounds like a pretty good prison to me. 🙂
This is just a theory, but what if they really can just leave whenever they want? What if they don’t get shocked when they leave, but that was just a device to strike fear into them? Maybe, to begin with, there were a few instances, but after that, everything was just left open… How come none of the guards blamed Kara, since it was in her cell? That was originally where I thought it was headed."Not all who wander are lost."
Wild Australian. INXJ.@That_Writer_Girl_99 *grins* Well, you’re stuck with us now. 😀 We solemnly pledge to help you with all your problems… whether you want that or not.
*goes off cackling*
*pops her head back in momentarily* 12+ years… wowsers. I’ve been seriously writing for four years and that seemed like forever… guess not.
Kudos for sticking to it so long alone. I foresee great things for you. 😉@f5a8c3e92 That’s a good idea, but where’s the conflict in that? What’s the point of a prison where everyone can leave whenever they want–when the Elementals who do leave will be killed instantly? That truly is the world they live in.
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
Writing was my first love. Truthfully. It’s always been my favorite subject, always been my favorite hobby…just…always. Cliche as that sounds.
@kate-flournoy I’ve got another idea to throw at you, are you ready?Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
Okay, well, I think it was Daeus who brought up the question/idea of where the Elementals’ powers come from, and I realized that I hadn’t actually thought of that, so here’s what I came up with.
This kept me awake last night. For a loooong time.The Elementals’ powers are derived from a series of DNA-enhancing experiments that were conducted a few decades before the prison was even built. Remember that war I mentioned in the prologue? I’m planning on tying that to the creation of the first Elementals. They were wild, chaotic, and unable to control their powers Unlike the tame, well-mannered residents of the prison in the first chapter of the story. Chaotic powers like the ones the original Elementals possessed was enough to give the regular humans a terrible impression of the Elementals. That’s why they built the prison, why they’re so insistent on keeping the Elementals away from society.
The Elemental powers are hereditary. They’re passed down from family to family, keeping the Elemental line intact. The problem? The chaotic genes of the first Elementals are passed down too, giving us two sets of powered-people… the imprisoned Elementals, and the other Elementals that the prison-residents aren’t supposed to know about: the descendants of the first Elementals, although I think I’m going to call them Catastrophes instead.
The Elementals have no idea that the Catastrophes exist. They have no idea that the Catastrophes have no control over their powers whatsoever, that the regular humans still think that the two entities are one in the same…which is why the prison still exists.
*doubles over* *gasps for air* Does that make sense? Not sleeping last night wasn’t fun, but at least this gave me something to do amidst my insomnia… @kate-flournoy
Writer. Dreamer. Sometimes blogger. MBTI mess. Lover of Jesus and books.
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