- This topic has 5 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 5 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Howdy, y’all! Needing a little help with a scene. What do you think of this? It feels unnatural and awkwardly written to me personally. Stephen and Raine sat side-by-side at the large circular conference table as Rowan briefed the small gathering of soldiers.
“A little town on the western edge of our controlled territory has fallen to a large group of Epsilon soliders.” He stated, his steady, almost hard facial expression not changing. “Thanks to an informant, most of the town was able to evacuate. However, several children where left behind. I’ve been asked to send a team out to find them and gather Intel for a counter-strike against the invading forces.”
He watched the eager young faces look at him. The small group featured some of his most trusted comrades, but almost all of them where young, and untrained for such a delicate mission. Then his eyes fell on Raine and Stephen. They were such a sweet pair. Stephen was strong, skilled yet gentle and Raine was a good fighter, but he knew she would be motherly with the children.
From his vantage point on the small step at the head of the table, he looked at the pair, silently asking them whether they wanted to volunteer for this mission.Stephen turned to look at Raine. Not a word passed between them, but words were unneeded.
Raine knew she was pregnant, but she thought this mission wouldn’t be that hard, and her heart went out to those children separated from their families.
Stephen knew Raine’s caring heart was concerned for the lost children. He was too. But he was also concerned for his own child.
But Raine’s eyes were determined. He knew there was no point in arguing over this. It wasn’t a sin and it needed to be done and they where the best available team to do it.
As one, they looked at Rowan and gave a short nod.
He gave them a rare smile. He knew they could do it.
Maybe try to insert Rowen at the table first. That way the reader can know that the scene is from his POV. That first sentence might not be necessary.
I noticed something else. You’re head-hopping. There are three different POV’s in this excerpt. That might be your problem. Are you trying to write in 3rd Person Limited or Omniscient?
I think this scene was a bit Omniscient. Stephen and Raine are my MCs, and Rowan is a supporting so i was trying to have him in the scene, but it be focused on Stephen and Raine.
I think you switch around too much between Stephen and Raine. It may be okay in omniscient POV, I don’t know for sure since I try to right in intimate POV’s, but making just one POV could help your excerpt.
The switch between Rowen’s POV works, but the flip-flopping doesn’t as well. That’s what I see. Then again, I try to write in intimate POV’s. Hope this helps. 🙂
Very nice excerpt! Just reading this little bit has me wanting to read more. 🙂
As David said, you are POV hopping a bit. Personally, I like it when there is POV hopping in a book, but it’s best when it is distinct. You made it clear by putting an extra, empty line between Rowan’s and Stephen’s the first time. Also, if you could eliminate that last hop to Rowan’s POV, it would be smoother to read.
Part of the reason that this reads a little jumpily (okay, I know that isn’t a word) is because of the descriptions. You do a very nice job at describing the visual aspect of what your characters are seeing, but I think that there are a few too many visual details. Maybe. Fiddle with it and see what you can come up with. 🙂
Again, well done!
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
