Little Sailboat Poem

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  • #11580
    Rosey Mucklestone
    @writefury
      • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
      • Total Posts: 467

      Just me writing a poem.
      A poem that… surprisingly fits my avatar. 😛
      Anyway. Thoughts appreciated!

      New little sailboat

      Painted and clean

      With sails so white

      And wood deck a sheen

      It sits by the dock

      Prepared to explore

      Waves lap and call

      For departure from shore

      Brave little sailboat

      Sets out at last

      Taming the waves

      Putting land in its past

      It rocks to and fro

      On the blue ocean deep

      Gliding along

      With fishes that leap

      Wet little sailboat

      Drenched from the storm

      Barely afloat

      As darker clouds form

      It bumps into rocks

      And tears holes in its wood

      The future for sailboat

      Doesn’t look good

      Poor, leaky sailboat

      Slides into port

      Its adventurous sailing life

      Sadly cut short

      It sits in the boatyard

      And waits for repairs

      But no one remembers

      And nobody cares

      Sad, tattered sailboat

      Its sails a-sag

      No wind to let flutter

      Its old tattered flag

      It sits and it waits

      For a chance at the sea

      And finally, one day,

      It got it from me

      Fixed-up little sailboat

      Back on the waves

      Finally getting

      Adventure it craves

      We happily skim

      Out to see the wide blue

      Endless ideas

      Of what we can do

      #11581
      BlueJay
      @bluejay
        • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
        • Total Posts: 1622

        O wow! @writefury That is really good. I really do like it. I’m not very good at poetry, but I would fix or change anything. *Other people might think differently. 😛 *

        #11582
        Daeus
        @daeus
          • Rank: Chosen One
          • Total Posts: 4238

          @writefury I would change a couple little things, but not much. The best thing about this poem is that it really personalizes the boat. *adds boat as friend on Facebook* Oh, and also the rhyme (I love rhyme).

          Here are the little tweaks I would make:

          And wood deck a sheen

          Sounds strange. Decks are not sheen, they have a sheen.

          As darker clouds form

          Take out the “as”

          And tears holes in its wood

          It’s not the ship that’s tearing the holes, it’s the rocks.

          No wind to let flutter

          Take out the “let”

          🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

          #11587
          Adry_Grace
          @adry_grace
            • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
            • Total Posts: 169

            @writefury This was amazing!!! The story was so personal and was told in a way that I just wanted to cry for the poor little sailboat when he was abandoned. Never before have I wanted to cry for a sailboat. A first time for everything, I suppose.

            There’s one thing that bugs me, as I read through it, the line:

            Its adventurous sailing life

            seems really awkward. The poem has a flow to it that that line, in particular the word ‘sailing’ seems to interrupt. It’s probably just me though.

            #11595
            Kate Flournoy
            @kate-flournoy
              • Rank: Chosen One
              • Total Posts: 3976

              What they said @writefury. 🙂

              And I love this— it’s a classic example of everything I cannot do. It’s simple but powerful, cute but touching, and above all lean and to the point. Excellent work!

              Rosey Mucklestone
              @writefury
                • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                • Total Posts: 467

                Thanks so much guys! 😀 I’m glad you liked it and I’ll make any changes that need to be made. 🙂

                #11628
                Greta
                @gretald
                  • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                  • Total Posts: 450

                  @writefury Wonderful poem! I like it. 🙂

                  #11630
                  Jada Morrison
                  @jadamae
                    • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
                    • Total Posts: 199

                    Good job, @writefury! There is just one thing I would change. In the following section;
                    The future for sailboat
                    Doesn’t look good
                    I would at another syllable to the second line. (Does not look good, or doesn’t look so good)

                    #11697
                    AbigailRose
                    @abigail-blomberg
                      • Rank: Charismatic Rebel
                      • Total Posts: 19

                      I saw this on the OYAN forum and really loved the vivid description. Nice job!

                      #13250
                      Mallory O’Bier
                      @overcomer
                        • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
                        • Total Posts: 550

                        This poem is cute and kinda funny, @writefury ! I really enjoyed reading it. I liked the short, unpunctuated lines. It made the poem feel swift like a good stiff breeze, and made me feel like “the little sailboat” couldn’t be down for long. It reminds me of the adventures of Hitty. By the end of it I was ready to champion the cause of “the little sailboat” if need be. 😉

                        I think “Tearing holes in its wood,” instead of “And tear holes in its wood” might fix the problem @daeus mentioned.

                        Aw, @jadamae , I liked “Doesn’t look good.” The abruptness made me laugh. My brother would probably like this poem.

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