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I think the sword line works pretty well considering the rhyme works. It’s better than anything else I can think of, even though I did comment on it. The bow line could probably be more powerful though.
INTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.
@kate-flournoy I enjoyed reading this!
One thing though; the beginning ‘ands’ of each line in this are distracting and kind of…make it bland. Some of them are necessary, but not quite that many. What I suggest is taking it through another round of revision and taking out the ‘ands’ one sentence at a time. Read it out loud and see how it sounds. Maybe replace the ‘and’ with a more effective word if you need another syllable.Anyway, there’s my thoughts on it. 🙂
Thanks, @hislittlerose! I definitely see what you’re saying. 🙂
Sweet! @kate-flournoy I totally enjoyed this! It felt like an introduction or ballad from a novel, and a very exciting one too. I must say, I expected something cliche, but was surprised as I read to find that it never went there. A little corny, yes, but done right, if you know what I mean.
I agree with @hope that you should work on “The bow is not bent” line. It threw me out of the poem, and for a moment I thought things were “all good,” because bows that are bent are ready to fire their arrows, at least, that was the picture it painted in my mind. Then when it continued, I realized my mistake. Things were definitely NOT okay! Try something like “The bowstring is snapped” or something about it or the arrows being broken like Hope said, (for a bit more effect) or maybe something about the arrows being wasted, or the quiver empty.
Since you were clever enough to have written this poem, I’m sure you’ll think of something awesome!
On a side note, I read your earlier version first, and quite frankly, liked it better. It was more dramatic, and some of the lines had a suddenness about them that made me feel as if an incredible and desperate struggle was about to take place. The newer version reads more melodically, which is nice, but . . . I don’t know. It’s pretty good too, but I liked the first for it’s freshness. Golly . . . the longer I think about it, the less sure I am.
Like, I liked how the the first version didn’t follow a strict pattern. It threw me a little, and made me open my eyes and pay attention to what I read. It was unexpected, which made it that much more exciting. It drew me on line by line, and when it was done, I longed for a second poem, part two, to tell me how it all turned out. (Or a novel:)
The second version sounds more like a motivating song, perhaps sung at a soldier camp. There is something pleasant about how the words roll in my mind. Nice rhythm, but I do get stuck in it, and sort of tune the words out. When I’m done, I’m like, “That was fun! Another!” or “Let’s do it again!” or “Give me that dull blade!”
(Sorry . . . I got a little carried away:)
Wow, thanks @overcomer! So glad you liked it! And guess what, I’d already replaced ‘the bow is not bent’ with ‘the bowstring is snapped’ long before you even suggested it. Well, you know what they say about great minds… 😉 😉 😉
Here, I’ll post the completely revised version and see if I caught everything— I do like the rhythmic flow, but I’m also quite fond of the unexpected, so let me know if I managed to strike a balance between the two.
The Coming of Dawn
Long we have stood
In the shadow and mist;
Deep is the darkness
Around us.
Black is the night;
Hard is the road,
And cruel are the foes
That surround us.
Hard is our fate,
And bitter our lot,
And cold is the night
In the darkness.
The shield is shattered,
The bowstring is snapped,
The sword has now lost
All its sharpness.
But here stand we still;
And here we will stay,
Though harsh be the battle,
And grim.
Here we will stand,
Though darkness should fall;
The lights of the world
All grow dim.
And so we will greet
The coming of dawn…For the Dawn is coming.
And guess what… it is a battle song. 🙂
Hey @kate-flournoy ,
So I waited a while (to get a fresh perspective) and then read all of your different versions of the poem again, and, surprisingly, was more struck by the 2nd on the next read. The more rhythmic flow makes it somehow more rereadable, even though it’s less unexpected. I found that I liked something in-between the last two, so I compared them all and took notes, and this is what I came up with. This one has all the things I liked from each version, with a few slight changes of my own in some of the wording. I’ve marked with an asterisk* each line that contains changes to your last version.
(Disclaimer: This is just an idea. This is your poem, so you do what you like best with it:)
(Disclaimer Disclaimer: I am a non-attorney spokesperson, er-amateur poetry critic;)
The Coming of Dawn
Long we have stood
In the shadow and mist;
Deep is the darkness
Around us.
Black is the night;
Hard is the road,
And cruel are the foes
That surround us.
Hard is our fate,
And bitter our lot,
*Cold is the night
*And the darkness.
*The shield has shattered,
*The bowstring snapped,
*And the sword lost all
*Of its sharpness.
But here stand we still;
And here we will stay,
Though harsh be the battle,
And grim.
Here we will stand,
Though darkness should fall;
And the lights of the world
All grow dim.
*And so we will greet
The coming of dawn…
For the Dawn is coming.@kate-flournoy , that’s so cool! Battle songs rock:) Great minds, huh? Oh yes, my mind is most definitely great 😉
Thanks, @overcomer. 🙂 I really appreciate your meticulousness. 😉 I’ll definitely take all those corrected lines into consideration.
Yes… I had so much fun with this poem, because it was special to one of my main characters. His mother used to sing it to him when he was little— scared of the dark and of thunderstorms. Near the climax of the book, when things are just about as black as they could get, the character is fixing to go into battle where he’s expecting to die, and everyone else die with him because it’s so hopeless, and he starts singing this song… and then the whole army picks it up… and they march into battle singing.
It made me cry. 😛
A poem with a backstory! (Have you written this? It sounds awesome!) This just got better. 🙂
Aw, I love it when my writing makes me cry! It’s those precious few (slightly embarrassing 😉 ) moments that make me feel like a real writer, like I can do this, you know?
I’m never quite sure if my ideas are actually helpful or if people are just being kind. I hope they’re helpful. I’m curious, so let me know if you use any of them.
Will you be publishing the finished version anywhere? I’d love to read it again, even if it is almost memorized by now. 🙂
By the way, I read your poem to my brother Andrew, and he thought it was awesome! (Just so you know, he’s no big fan of poetry, but he was genuinely intrigued by this)
No, it was genuinely helpful @overcomer. Even if I didn’t end up using any of the corrections (which I am— I’ll probably do what you suggested with the shattered shield and snapped bowstring) it makes me step back and look at my work in new ways, which is always good.
Yes, I have written the story— my WIP, actually. Or more like a WIE— work in editing. 😉 I probably won’t publish this poem anywhere else because it belongs very integrally to the book, but I’m so glad you and your brother liked it! Who knows… maybe one day years from now you’ll be reading a book you picked up randomly, and you’ll suddenly find yourself reading this poem, and your hair will stand on end! ‘Hey, I know this thing! I helped edit it! How cool is that!?’ 😛 😉
I’m glad. 🙂 @kate-flournoy , that’s one of the things I don’t like about online discussions, etc., it’s so hard to tell whether you’re being annoying or helpful. (Maybe that’s because I am both? Hmm . . .) 😉
Anyway, you’ve given me hope, thanks!
I love poems in stories. 😀
Talk about Deja Vu! That would be cool! I’m sure that if I see your name on a cover, I’ll pick up the book. Your name is very memorable.
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