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This topic contains 22 replies, has 16 voices, and was last updated by  TheAcornman 2 weeks, 6 days ago.

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  • #49133

    Daeus
    @daeus
    • Rank: Chosen One
    • Total Posts: 3899

    Dear KeePers,

    Two days ago, I was inspired to write a short story that at the time seemed like a brilliant idea. I wanted to write the diary of a character from a novel who struggles with his identity and the problem of evil.

    The problem was, as I wrote the first entry last night, I felt like what was coming out was practically worthless. Having just read it again, I’m convinced that’s not so, but I’m still wondering if this is a story I should keep writing or not. Could you give me your opinion?

    December 2nd, 2016

    Today I became alive.
    It startled me, I admit and I almost dropped the Christmas lights. The moment before I hadn’t been alive and now here I was stringing bright lights across the roof of a wealthy middle-class American home, standing on top of a ladder and watching my warm breath turn into a cloud in the winter air.
    What I was doing here. Until this moment my life had been an everlasting curtain of darkness stretched from the indefinite to the eternal. On most days, I wasn’t even aware of myself, just sleeping an endless, feelingless, ignorant sleep. Times would come when I would sense a higher consciousness bringing me to life, giving me features and thoughts and aspirations—oh, the aspirations! When I had aspirations, I almost thought I was a human. But then the conscious would leave me, and my short life would flicker and go out. Sleep would return to me.
    Of course, I had heard the stories—everyone had. Tales that the author was planning a new contemporary fiction novel, but who could have guessed that I out of all the millions of possible characters would have been picked?
    I had been smiling a moment before. At least, that’s the way my facial muscles felt. I couldn’t know for sure since I had only just started existing, but I felt like it would be a good idea to continue smiling. I hoped it wasn’t too out of character for me to lower the string of christmas lights and peek around the world surrounding me.
    A pure white sheet of snow blanketed the lawns of a magical neighborhood. Houses were freshly painted and decorative lampposts cast a silvery glitter across the fields of white and a warm glow came from their boxes that made the cold seem far less severe.
    Then I noticed him. He was the type of man to attract attention. His smile was the type that one sees on unconquerable youths who are partially naive and partially wise. His well groomed of blond was manly and beautiful at the same time and the every move of his body spoke of a vibrant athleticism and vitality. The details of his clothing were many, indicating that the author had paid him special attention in his creation. He had a thick, fashionable, black coat with two rows of buttons and a green and scarlet checkered scarf wrapped around his neck and shoulders in perfect style. The man called out to me in a merry voice as he scooped the last shovel of snow from his driveway. “It’s a magical day, isn’t it?”
    “Y-yes!” I replied, not sure what I was saying as I still processed the fact that I was alive.
    My neighbor laughed good heartedly and bid me goodnight. I bid him the same, but now I was beginning to feel a bit chill. My neighbor was awakening memories in me of things I had heard of long ago in my brief periods of consciousness. He wasn’t a…hero, was he? A stray snowflake fell on my left eyelash. I studied its intricacies, then I blew it off, turning my attention back to my neighbor as he walked back toward his house.
    For some reason, my body felt soupy then as if it were turning into a dream and then I felt the familiar darkness began to close over my eyes and I gasped.
    He was the hero! And that meant that my existence only lasted while he was looking at me. As my life faded out, I took one parting glance at the hero, knowing it might be the last thing I ever saw.
    What was I again? Oh, yes. The hero’s neighbor. After all these years in darkness, I was finally a character, but what did that mean? Who was? I began to dream of the day I would be given a name.

    #49140

    Louise Fowler
    @perfectfifths
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 534

    @daeus Wow! That’s really cool! And a really interesting concept of how a minor background character only exists when the hero is interacting with him.

    I’m officially intrigued. You should definitely continue this. 😀

    #49141

    Dragon Snapper
    @dragon-snapper
    • Rank: Chosen One
    • Total Posts: 2691

    @daeus Hey! That is a pretty neat concept! I love how he gets to be the heroes neighbor. That’s awesome.

    I agree with @perfectfifths that you should continue this, however, I think it’d be better if you didn’t write it from the perspective of his diary, and instead just his POV, first person.

    But that’s it really. Otherwise I love it!

    *melts chair*

    #49162

    Elizabeth
    @that_writer_girl_99
    • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
    • Total Posts: 1550

    *blinks* Wow, @daeus, this is really neat. Definitely a cool concept. I agree with @dragon-snapper, though–I think it would make more sense if it was in first-person. Other than that, it sounds great. I’d definitely want to read more.

    #49194

    Daeus
    @daeus
    • Rank: Chosen One
    • Total Posts: 3899

    @perfectfifths Thanks 🙂

    @dragon-snapper @that_writer_girl_99 I’m not sure I know what you mean. How would writing it from his POV be different? I thought I would write it diary style because he will only get to re-enter into the story on certain days.

    #49195

    Elizabeth
    @that_writer_girl_99
    • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
    • Total Posts: 1550

    I like the diary style, but I don’t think it fits the potential this has. What I mean is, I think it would be cooler in first person, more like an actual story. @daeus

    #49196

    DaughterOfTheKing
    @daughteroftheking
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 714

    @deaus I just had an attack of oh-this-is-so-cool. Please, continue with this!! I don’t know about the diary style. I like it, but as @that_writer_girl_99 said, it might be a better use of this story’s potential to tell it in fist person. I definitely like the use of past-tense.

    But not without regard for the double negative!

    #49197

    Daeus
    @daeus
    • Rank: Chosen One
    • Total Posts: 3899

    @that_writer_girl_99 That’s what I’m confused about. This story is written in first person. You must be suggesting a different style within the boundaries of first person.

    #49198

    Elizabeth
    @that_writer_girl_99
    • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
    • Total Posts: 1550

    *sighs* well, I don’t know then. Guess I was wrong.

    #49199

    Dragon Snapper
    @dragon-snapper
    • Rank: Chosen One
    • Total Posts: 2691

    @daeus Well…you said that you were going to write it as if it were his diary. I think it would be just as fine without. It’s seems as if the dates are extra. Write it in first person, but not as if he’s writing in his diary. … Also, I didn’t think that you’d go through different parts of his diary when I wrote that…and I also forgot that this was going to be short story. If you want it to be a novel, then take out the diary part, but as a short story, the diary part works well.

    *melts chair*

    #49226

    Emerald Flyer
    @emerald-flyer
    • Rank: Charismatic Rebel
    • Total Posts: 27

    @daeus
    This is an amazing idea and I totally think you should continue it as a short stmy mind began to go on a bunch of inspiring rabbit holes. This is an amazing idea and I totally think you should continue it as a short story.

    #49238

    Catwing
    @catwing
    • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
    • Total Posts: 1447

    @daeus *nods* It is good… Reminds me of Nobody from Story Thieves by James Riley… *shivers* Why must I wait! *cough* Any way, it is a very intriging POV. *nods* Don’t worry James Riley didn’t do it like that though. Yours is different. I like it.

    #49360

    Aislinn Mollisong
    @aislinn-mollisong
    • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
    • Total Posts: 246

    AWESOME!!!! I absolutely LOVE this! I think maybe it would be equally fine with or without the diary dates.

    Aislinn Mollisong: Hero!
    "BRING IT ON!!!"

    #49496

    Ethryndal
    @ethryndal
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 874

    @daeus Well this is cool.

    I have one thought to add to the whole diary debate thing… If the character only lives when he’s being written, how can he keep a diary? When does he have the time for that?

    And I’ll have you know that this story has ruined my life. I’ve spent the last day or so pondering the fact that the ‘Hero’ isn’t actually the hero of the THIS story, but a minor character, since the main character is supposed to be a minor character of a larger story. So really, the ‘Hero’ is experiencing the exact same thing that the MC of the story is talking about, since he’s not really a hero at all…

    This sort of thing is the reason I never get enough sleep.

    TheSarcasticElf.wordpress.com

    #49773

    Emma Flournoy
    @emma-flournoy
    • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
    • Total Posts: 1215

    @daeus Keep writing it, and if it still feels worthless, stop. 😛 As of right now though, it is pretty cool. His POV is intriguing. I think mostly only writers would understand—at least really GET—a story like this though, not regular readers…

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by  Emma Flournoy.
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