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Hello! I was wondering if you could give me some help.
So I suppose I should give some background. This is from my currently unnamed WIP. It’s actually based off the idea of Pangaea. In case you don’t know what that is: its the theory of what the world looked like before the ‘continental drift.’ In the chaos which is erupting as a result of the earthquakes which precede it, the world turns to it’s capital (because of course it had to have one) and my main character Eon finds himself being called to take the lead, all while trying to take care of his family. This scene is kind of a scene where we see the stress and repercussions of that. I would be ecstatic if you would read it and let me know what you think.Before I knew it it was my last night with Millenia. I sit in our tent and watch her as she packs. She sings softly as she goes back and forth between the trunk where we keep our clothes and the table where her bag rests. Finally she finishes packing, she closes her bag and turns around. “That’s it.”
“Are you ready?” I ask.
“Yup. I have everything. Clothes enough to last until I can come home, enough necessities to last the trip… and then some hopefully.” She begins to pace the small room as she lists not only the things she personally packed, but the supplies she had been working with Isaac’s mother to pack for the people of Eurasians. After a while I begin to laugh. She glares at me, “What are you laughing at!?” she snaps.
“At the fact that you’ve been talking for a good five minutes and still haven’t answered my question.” I respond.
“What do you mean?’ she asks indignantly.
I smile gently. “I mean that you’ve told me how much you’ve prepared, but you’ve yet to tell me if you’re ready. As in willing or inclined.”
Her eyes fill with tears and slowly, almost imperceptibly, she begins to shake her head. I get up and cross the room towards her.
“Oh, Eon. Please let me stay.” she whispers.
I take her into my arms. “You know why I can’t do that.”
She nods. “I don’t want to leave you. What if- Mum-” she breaks down in sobs.
“It’l be okay. I’ll come to you when this is over.” I say.
She pulls back and I’m startled to see that there’s anger in her eyes. “But what if it’s not. Mum told me it would be okay, that she would come back and now she’s dead.”
“Millenia,” I sigh.
“You don’t understand, Eon!” her voice raises ever so slightly. “I can’t risk that happening to you too. I just…” Just like that her voice breaks. “I can’t.”
Tears come to my eyes. “I know that I’m asking a lot of you. I know that to you it seems more reasonable to stay here with family and face all the dangers that may come than go to safety and be alone, and that it doesn’t seem fair that you personally should have to sacrifice so much. I know, because I agree wholeheartedly. I’m not going to make you go. The people of Eurasia need you to be brave. I need you to brave, now more than ever. But the choice is yours too make, not theirs and not mine.”
She doesn’t respond, simply crosses to the bed and lays down staring at the ceiling. So I leave the tent, content to let her think in peace. Egypt is waiting just outside.
“Walk with me.” I say. She doesn’t reply, she’s been ignoring me a lot lately, but sure enough I find her walking by my side.
“What am I doing?” I ask her. “In charge of the world? Moving all my pieces into position as if it were a game of war? A child, playing king of the world. That’s all I am. It’s almost laughable.” And I do laugh, mocking my own circumstances.
“I don’t believe it.” Egypt says.
“What? That I’m a lousy leader?”
“I don’t believe that and neither do you. Besides that’s not what you were saying. You were saying you’re a fake, which is quite possibly the dumbest statement you could ever make.” Egypt said firmly.
“Oh?” I raise my eyebrows. “And why is that? If it’s true-”
“It’s not.” Egypt cuts me off. “It the most untrue statement any human being could ever make. You aren’t a fake leader. If you were a fake, that would mean no one would follow you and in case you haven’t noticed, Eon, you’ve got the entire world following you.” I stop in my tracks. Egypt takes another step then turns and looks at me. I meet her eyes.
“I have noticed. That’s my problem.” She doesn’t reply, only stares at me sadly until finally I turn and walk away.Love the names, especially Eon (though I suspect I’m not saying it right in my head).
As for the scene… *rubs hands and puts on critique glasses*
I think Eon’s emotions need to run deeper. That we should see more of his thoughts and his emotion the clenching of a hand, the tightening of the chest, the rapid beat of his heart. I don’t know if tears should come to his eyes though. I think, if his throat tightened until it ached or something it would flow more naturally. Right now, you see what Eon does, but it would be much more powerful if the emotion was deep and suppressed and connected Eon’s conversation to Millenia with his conversation to Egypt.
Also, I think Millenia emotions are too abrupt. First she seems happy, then sad, then angry, then worried…there’s no transition. This wouldn’t be a hard thing to fix; just figure out her base emotion (probably worry) and add hints of it though her other emotions…a nervous glance even as she’s chatting or not able to look at Eon when she’s upset.
INTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.
That all being said, I think this story idea sounds really interesting. 😉
INTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.
@adry_grace
This is super! I like it a lot…however, I do echo what Hope said about Eon’s emotions needing to run deeper. I also feel like you could use Milennia’s name more instead of saying “she” all the time. That’s all I’ve got! Nice work!!! 🙂 🙂 😉A dreamer who believes in the impossible...and dragons. (INFJ-T)
@hope I’ll be completely honest and say that I was pretty proud of the names when I came up with them… How are you saying them? I say it ee-on I can see what you and @ingridrd mean about Eon’s emotions needing to run deeper. I have a hard time displaying emotions in my writing. Always have. But I shall work on that.
I also agree about Millenia. Now that you’ve pointed it out, I cringe as I read through it.
Thanks so much for the feedback!Yes, that’s how I was pronouncing his name! 😉 I love coming up with names; well, I do when they come easily and I’m not spending days trying to decide if I like a certain name or not. 😉
INTJ - Inhumane. No-feelings. Terrible. Judgment and doom on everyone.
After a while I begin to laugh
Maybe cut out “after a while” here.
It’l be okay.
I think that’s supposed to be “it’ll.” 😉
Just like that her voice breaks.
I would take out “just like that.”
But the choice is yours too make
“Too make” would be “to make.” 😉
but sure enough I find her walking by my side.
I’d take out “sure enough” here. 🙂
You were saying you’re a fake, which is quite possibly the dumbest statement you could ever make.
Haha. 😛 “Dumbest statement” sounds kind of awkward, so maybe change that to “the dumbest thing you’ve ever said” or something like that.
in case you haven’t noticed, Eon, you’ve got the entire world following you.
Haha, I like this line.
I have noticed. That’s my problem.
Ooo, nice way to wrap up the scene!
Nice job, @adry_grace! One thing I noticed is that in some places, the dialogue seems a bit formal. Also, you seem to use words and phrases like “finally,” “at last,” “just like that,” etc. a lot, which can take away from the scene. But overall, this is a good scene, and it makes me want to read more of the story! Oh, and nice names. 🙂
Awesome job! You should put up more. I want to see what happens. 😉
I’d take out the “Yup.” after “Are you ready to go?”
Because, technically, she did answer his question there. Whereas if she just launched straight into “having everything ready”, it would work better.I love the names!
They got pretty much everything, but I wanted to ask… you said this is inspired by Pangea. (And yes, I know what Pangea is. 😉 ) Is it supposed to take place in that time-period?? If so, it is waaaaaaaaaaay too modern to get that across.
@kate-flournoy As of now the time period is kind of… nonexistent isn’t the word I’m looking for. Irrelevant, maybe? I would like to give the impression of it happening in that time period and at the same time have a few conveniences for the sake of the story. I’m pretty sure there’s a term for it… Fictional liberties, methinks. Anyway, I had noticed on reading through it a few weeks ago that it was really modern, so I’ve been working on deciding what’s too modern to be believable and what can stay.
Thank you all so much for the feedback!! I will definitely be back with some more for you guys to critique.
You want it to be timeless? 🙂 That’s a good thing. I do think that’s something very worthwhile to strive for.
But I also think it would help if you included the best of both worlds.That said, you still did a lovely job. Keep it up! 😀
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