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@daeus (I’ll tag you so you definitely see this) 😛 Please help! I wrote this poem very quickly, which is surprising for me, so I feel like it still needs work, but I’m not 100% sure where. Any suggestions are welcome. 😀
In a land far away,
Where the men were all bad,
They swore by God’s name,
And made Him so mad.He said, “I’ll destroy you.
I’ll wipe out human,
I’m sorry I made you.
I’ll start all again.”But then He remembered
A God-fearing man,
By the name of Noah,
And He made up a plan.He told Noah “Build,”
A very big boat.”
Noah hammered and sealed,
And thought ‘Would it float?’Then God brought the animals
Some seven of, some two.
From cattle to quails,
And dinosaurs too.They boarded the ark
And God shut the door.
The ground opened up
And rain started to pour.It rained and it rained,
It covered the world.
The ark rolled and tossed
As over waves it was hurled.Forty days and nights later,
The ark came to stop,
On the Mount of Ararat,
Right up on the top.Noah sent out a dove
To search for dry land
She flew all about
But found no where to standThen seven days later,
He tried it again.
She came back with a branch
That she’d picked from the land.Noah knew it was time
So he opened the door.
They all left the ark,
And guess what they saw?Painted up in the sky,
A rainbow was there.
A promise from God,
That He’d always care.I would change some things…
The first verse… not sure what to suggest, but it sounds a little off from the rest of the poem. “And made Him so mad” is a huge understatement, which might work fine for this poem, but this line could be a lot stronger.
“Some seven of, some two” would sound better written as “Some of seven, some of two.”
“He opened the door” and “Guess what they saw” don’t really rhyme. Not sure if that matters or not. 😉 But I recommend changing the wording a bit here.
Backing up… “From cattle to quails” can be changed to “From cattle to quail.” I think it rings better that way, and quail can be plural or singular, but my first reaction was to think “quails” sounded strange. 😛 Maybe it’s just me.
Hope this helps!Good job. I like it. 🙂
Sure Tessa,
Stanza 1: “In a land long ago” might be better than “in a land far away”.
Stanza 2: “I’ll wipe out human”. It’s often ok to break gramar rules in poetry, but I wouldn’t end a sentence with an adjetive.
Stanza 3: I think the last two lines would flow better if you said, “His name was Noah. God drew him a plan.”
Stanza 5: Instead of, “some seven of, some two” say, “In sevens and twos.”
Stanza 7: Instead of, “And rain started to pour” say, “And thunderclouds poured.”
Stanza 8: Would change last two lines to, “The ark was well tested. Was rattled and hurled.”
Stanza 9: I would take out “and nights” and change “Mount” to mountians.
Stanza 11: Would rephrase the last three lines to, “Again she was free. She brought him a branch. She’d plucked from a tree.”
Stanza 13: Would change first line to, “Paints in a bow”
Ok, that’s all. Congradulations on your work of art. I know I can hardly ever write a poem this long.
🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
Wow! Thanks so much both of you. I will have to sit down and fix it up. This is going to make it so much better. 😀
I think most everything was already said, but good job! I like how you wrote a poem about a Bible story. The biggest things that stick out to me would be:
The forth line of the first stanza: it really is an understatement and makes the poem sound like it is geared towards kids. If it is, that’s fine, but if not, I would suggest changing it.The second line of the fifth stanza: Either one of the suggestions by @Daeus or @cahndida-serkhaman would be more clear and flow better.
Once again, good job!
What if you changed “human” to “mankind” in stanza two?
Ok. Try this. (A big thanks to all who added their two bits) 😀
In a land long ago,
Where the men were all bad,
They swore by God’s name,
And made Him so mad.He said, “I’ll destroy you.
I’ll wipe out human,
I’m sorry I made you.
I’ll start all again.”But then He remembered
A God-fearing man,
His name of Noah,
God drew him a plan.He told Noah “Build,”
A very big boat.”
Noah hammered and sealed,
And thought ‘Would it float?’Then God brought the animals
In sevens and twos.
From cattle to quail,
And dinosaurs too.They boarded the ark
And God shut the door.
The ground opened up
And thunderclouds to pour.It rained and it rained,
It covered the world.
The ark was well tested
Was rattled and hurled.About forty days later,
The ark came to stop,
On the mount of Ararat,
Right up on the top.Noah sent out a dove
To search for dry land
She flew all about
But found no where to standSeven days later,
Again she was free.
She brought him a branch
She’d plucked from a tree.Noah knew it was time
So he opened the door.
They all left the ark,
And guess what they saw?Paints in a bow,
A rainbow was there.
A promise from God,
That He’d always care.I have been unable to think of a replacement to the word mad. If anyone has suggestions, I’d love them.
@daeus (Tagging you so you see it) What do you think? 😛
Oops, somehow I forgot about this.
Looks good, but you’ve two lines that don’t quite work grammatically. I’ll just list them for you. What’s in the parentheses won’t necessarily work poetically, but it’s what would make the line work grammatically.
I’ll wipe out human (should be “humanity”)
And thunderclouds to pour (should be “poured”)
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You know, Tessa, that would make a cute children’s book if you put an illustration for every two stanzas or so. And “mad” sounds fine if your audience is younger children.
@daeus Try this.
He said, “I’ll destroy you.
I’ll wipe out all men,
I’m sorry I made you.
I’ll start over again.”
😀Much better @bluejay
If you wanted to make a children’s book, you’d have to have an illustrator unless you can do it yourself. You’d probably want a couple more stanza’s too and I would make it a whole stanza a page. You can self-publish children’s books in paper and e-formats or you could shoot for a publisher if you prefer that.
🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
OK. So I’ve been working hard on this poem. I have added some more stanzas in case it does become a book. So the targeted audience is young children. With that in mind what do you think?
I’ll tag you just so you do see it @deaus. 😀In a land long ago,
When men were all bad,
They stole and they murdered,
Which made the Lord sad.He said, “That’s enough!
I’ll wipe out all men,
I’m sorry I made them.
I’ll start all again.”But then He remembered
A God-fearing man,
So in order to save him,
God thought up a plan.He told Noah “Build,”
A very big boat.”
Noah hammered and nailed,
And thought ‘Would it float?’Once it was built
He sealed it with pitch.
He was ready to board,
But there was a hitch.“What of the animals?”
Poor Noah cried.
“Don’t worry,” said God.
“I’ll bring them inside.”So God brought the animals
In sevens and twos.
There were cattle and quail,
And dinosaurs too.They boarded the ark
And God shut the door.
The ground opened up
And it started to pour.It rained and it rained,
It covered the world.
The ark was well tested
Was rattled and hurled.About forty days later,
The ark came to stop,
On the Ararat mountains,
Right up on the top.Noah opened a window
And sent out a crow,
It flew back and forth,
It had no-where to go.So Noah sent out a dove
To search for dry land
She flew all about
But found no where to standSeven days later,
Again she was free.
She brought him a branch
She’d plucked from a tree.Noah knew it was time
So he opened the door.
They all left the ark,
And guess what they saw?Painted up in the sky
A rainbow was there.
A promise from God,
That He’d always care.I try to tag you and get it wrong! @daeus Try that instead. 😛
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