- This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 2 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Hi all! So, this is my first short story I’ve written, and I’m considering entering a contest with it, and I want it to be the best it can be. It probably isn’t very good, but, as mentioned previously, I want to make it better. Thank you guys so much! Here it is:
It was 1977. The disco party was in full swing. Lights were everywhere, and teens danced to the newest hit, “Stayin’ Alive”. It would have seemed pretty great except for one thing. I had absolutely no idea how i had got there. Standing there in a silk dress, with funky patterns on it, it was more a nightmare than a dream. At first glance, I seemed to fit in, with my pant suit and curled hair, but I was anything but normal. I was a time traveler. An freak accident with dish fluid, smoke detector, and a weasel (long story) turned me into a human time traveler. But luckily, no one had found out yet. Anyway, back to the story. I was supposed to go to Chicago, where there was a massive heat wave, so I could escape the dreary winter of my hometown, Minneapolis. but I certainly didn’t mean to go here, of all places. I quietly found the nearest restroom, gross!, and looked at my watch. At first glance it seemed ordinary, but like me, it was anything but. I tapped it twice and a two foot tall robot materialized. “What can I do you for you, miss?” I asked, his voice echoing off the walls. “Keep it down!” I said, shushing him. “You know full well what I need. Now take me back.” “Don’t get mad with me,” said my pain in the butt, “I didn’t do it.” I gritted my teeth. He knew that I knew he messed with my thinking, bringing me here. However, I did need his help, that was the only thing keeping me from leaving him behind and going back myself. “Just tell me what I need to do,” I said, exasperated. “Please.” I added, when he didn’t do anything. “Fine, just go back to the place where you arrived and think about where you want to go. Don’t worry, Ill do the calculations.” “I’m warning you, robot, one false move and-” “Harold.” “What?!?” The robot, I mean Harold, sighed. “My name is Harold. “Whatever, Harold, just no tricky business, understood.” Harold didn’t answer. Could robots have evil smiles. I decided not to worry about it and transferred him back into my watch. I’ll deal with him later. I inched back to where I landed and closed my eyes. I thought if Chicago and it’s wonderful heat. I couldn’t wait to get there. I felt myself land and I brushed off my clothes. “Finally,” I breathed. But instead of breathing in the polluted air of the city, I smelled exotic flowers and dirt. I heard huge insects. I opened my eyes. All around me I saw big leaves and tall trees. Last I checked, Chicago was not a jungle. As I moved forward, a twig snapped behind me. I froze and turned around slowly. Heading my way was the biggest dinosaur I’ve ever seen (which is not saying much, seeing as I’ve never seen one before) “Harold!!!!” I yelled, before taking off to run for my life.
So that’s it. I hope you liked it. *winces at my ending* I’ve never been good at wrapping stuff up.
Harry Potter forever!!!!
P.s. So sorry for the weird indents and bad grammar if I missed a spot. Did not see that coming.
Harry Potter forever!!!!
@kballen This is pretty funny! I can imagine Harold having an evil smile. As far as wrapping up the ending, maybe you could describe the running away a little more.
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
This is really funny! I like it. Just a couple of suggestions:
#1: The story sounds like something your main character is recounting from her past (e.g. the sentence “Anyway back to the story”). I think it can be improved with some tweaking and rephrasing to lessen the distance between the readers and the narrative so that the first person POV feels more “in the moment” if you get what I mean.
So for a quick example, your first paragraph can become something like this:
1977. The party was in full swing; lights everywhere, teens dancing to the newest hit “Stayin’ Alive”, released by the Bee Gees just last week. It was all great except for one thing… … … I was from the year 2018. After a freak accident involving dish fluid, a smoke detector, and a weasel (long story), I had become a time traveler.
#2: Your plot gives off a children’s cartoon vibe to me (in a good way) so maybe you can take advantage of that to inject a cartoonish flavour and tone in your writing and for your ending.
So another quick (and lame) example:
(A Looney Tunes inspired chase scene happens, main character somehow manages to poke the dinosaur in the eye with a tree branch)
Dinosaur: *screams in great rage*
Main Character: *screams in even greater rage* Harold!!! When I get my hands on you, I am pummeling up your hard drive!
(Camera pans up towards the big blue skies)
Hope you find this helpful 🙂
@kballen If you’re entering this into a contest, I would suggest putting this through Grammarly or having someone check over this for grammar/punctuation, just to polish it up.
Great concept!! I love how you vividly describe each setting, especially in the opening sentences.
If Harold is part of your MC’s ability to time travel, maybe you could mention him along with the dish fluid and weasel? I love him though – ironic how much personality you could give a robot.
Apart from that, I’d say make the opening paragraph flow smoother as she goes into flashback mode and back into the present, like @valtmy said. Hope this helps!
It's g-h, 2-4-6-8 twice, three 9's
literatureforthelight.wordpress.com@kballen Grammarly is an online website/program that helps you point out your grammar. Since my school gave me an account, I’m not sure how easy it is to access it, but it will point out easy to miss grammar mistakes (although not sentence fluency). It’s good for finding mistakes that you yourself may miss.
It's g-h, 2-4-6-8 twice, three 9's
literatureforthelight.wordpress.com
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.