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@catwing Somebody might have already pointed this out, but, “Who was a tyrant” is a fragment. Also, (I am being super picky, perfect grammaticalion that I am XD) I don’t know about the word journey in there.
As they journey secrets are uncovered.
That part. If you used it, put a comma in between journey and secrets.- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
- Total Posts: 1330
@emily
How do you make it have that bar thing before something that you copy from another section?
Select the text and click the B-QUOTE button.
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I made a synopsis for my book when I set it up on NaNo.
Leifer is facing disaster. With its ruler missing, and an army rising against all that is good in the world, the only thing that can save them is a prophecy sent by the Unseen One.
Enter Amber, a girl who doesn’t know who she is. A girl who suddenly discovers incredible powers she fears she can’t control, that she can’t trust her knowledge to anyone.
And Brendan, a boy who strives to be trustworthy over anything else. A boy who longs to use his abilities for good in a society of fear and distrust.
When they meet, things change. Dangers awaken. Foes gain strength. And allies rise from the most unexpected of places.
Can two teens with the hearts of dragons save the heir to the throne, and unite the kingdoms, before all is lost?ENTP, Aether-borg Hero with cape obsession and fascination with swords.
https://forums.theaetherli- Rank: Eccentric Mentor
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@daeus Thank you.
@perfectfifths It was a coincidence.
@seekjustice @jess-penrose @daeus @emily Thanks all! Here’s two new versions…I wasn’t sure which way to go, so I’m trying both. (They are improving. Slowly.)
I’ll keep playing around with it, in the word pit. 😉
Which do you like better and what are your thoughts?You Were Called By The King
Alex and her six best friends are not normal. They talk to their animal friends. And understand them.
Then they meet a mysterious messenger. Who gives them a riddle from a long dead tyrant king. They must save Allore by finding three jewels. And giving them to the king. But someone else wants them too. Who should they give them too? Is Allore really falling into the sea? What do the jewels do exactly? How do jewels stop a continent from falling into the sea?
With so many questions it feels like secrets are everywhere. Secrets that some people would rather stay hidden. Even some secrets of their own. Are their friendships stronger than the secrets of their pasts? And can they to save Allore from falling into the sea?You Were Called By The King
Alex is not normal. She talks with her wolves. And understands them.
Then she meets a mysterious cloaked messenger. Who gives her a riddle from a long dead tyrant king. She must save Allore by finding three jewels. And giving them to the king. But someone else wants them too. Who should she give them too? Is Allore really falling into the sea? What do the jewels do exactly? How do jewels stop a continent from falling into the sea?
With so many questions it feels like secrets are everywhere. Secrets that some people would rather stay hidden. Even some secrets of her own. Are her friendships stronger than the secrets of her past? And can she to save Allore from falling into the sea?IMMA KAPEEFER! Til we're old and gray!
@catwing I think I like the second one better, but with a few tweaks (all suggestions of course 😉 ).
Alex is not normal. She talks with her wolves. And understands them.
Then she and her friends meet a mysterious cloaked messenger, who gives them a riddle from a long dead tyrant. They must save Allore by finding three jewels, and giving them to the king. But someone else wants them too. Who should they give them too? Is Allore really falling into the sea? What do the jewels do?
With so many questions Alex doesn’t know who to trust. Secrets are everyone – secrets that some people would rather stay hidden. Even some secrets of her own. Are her friendships stronger than the secrets of her past? And can she save Allore from falling into the sea?Currently reading Les Miserables
@catwing HOW DID I MISS THIS WHOLE THREAD?? Well, you have folks with more experience than I, but I’ll submit my two cents anyhow. I like the second one better. I don’t have any suggestions as to how to change it, other than “listen to the other Kapeefers.” They’re a smart bunch. 😉 Very excited to read this story!
Blog: https://weridasusual.home.blog/
@Catwing well I was away last night and this morning, so I failed to see this until just now, sorry. xD Looks like you’ve have lots of great advice though. 😀
I second what Louise said–her rewritten synopsis of suggestions is basically what I would’ve said myself. 😛Writing Heroes ♦ Writing Hope // janemareeauthor.com.au
@catwing I prefer your second version heaps, it’s more… blurby. And I also really like the few little tweaks that @perfectfifths made. *thumbs up* Good job!
Writer | Freelance Editor
Inspiration<@catwing I like the second one too, and I like the suggestions @perfectfifths has made. I would read the book based on that blurb, which is ultimately what you want!
INFP Queen of the Kingdom commander of an army of origami cranes and a sabre from Babylon.
@seekjustice @jess-penrose @jane-maree *feels really pleased my suggestions were so helpful* 😉 😛
@catwing Ultimately it’s up to you to decide. And based on all the versions I’ve read, each one giving a little more about the story than before, yet still keeping it a mystery, I’d love to read this book as well. 😀Currently reading Les Miserables
@catwing Good job with the improvements. 😀
I also liked @perfectfifths’ improvements. I’ll go off those and add some adjustments myself.
Alex is not normal. She and her friends talk with animals. (No need to say they understand animals. That’s assumed if they talk with them.)
Then she and her friends meet a mysterious cloaked messenger, who gives them a riddle from a long dead tyrant.
I think a bit of context would be good, like “All is going well until…”
They must save Allore by finding three jewels, and giving them to the king.
If the riddle is really short, you might just use it instead here. Otherwise, I would probably start with disaster first. “Allore is falling into the sea and the only way for them to save it is to find three lost jewels and return them to the dead king.”
But someone else wants them too. Who should they give them too? Is Allore really falling into the sea? What do the jewels do?
A lot of these questions are obvious questions. An important rule for writing a synopsis is that if you can get rid of it, you should get rid of it. Remember, the goal is not to introduce the plot, or the story world, or any other little details about your story. A synopsis is only for two things: make the reader sympathize with your character and make them fear that the character might fail. That’s it. The most important information in this section is that there is someone else out for the jewels. That we want to keep. “But someone else is out for the jewels.”
With so many questions, Alex doesn’t know who to trust.
I just erased all of your questions, so you might need a different opener. 😉
Secrets are everywhere – secrets that some people would rather stay hidden. Even some secrets of her own. (Good!)
Are her friendships stronger than the secrets of her past?
Are her friendships strong enough to survive the dark parts of her past?
And can she save Allore from falling into the sea?
Can she save Allore before it falls into the sea?
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Thanks everyone!
I worked on this when I wasn’t sleepy. ( 😛 )You Were Called By The King
Alex is not normal. She and her friends talk to animals.
But in the course of a few days the normal of their abnormal lives is shaken. They all receive a mysterious riddle from a cloaked messenger of a long dead tyrant king.One Crown, Three Parts
Soft, Pure, Radiant
One Purpose, Seven Members
Serve The King
One Question, Two Answers
Will You Come?They must save Allore by finding three jewels, and giving them to that king. But someone else wants them too.
As they receive more riddles Alex struggles to find any answers. Answers that may be secrets – Secrets that some people would rather stay hidden. Even some secrets of her own. Are her friendships strong enough to survive the secrets of her past? And can she save Allore before it falls into the sea?
@daeus @seekjustice @perfectfifths @Jess-penrose @daughteroftheking
@jane-maree @aislinn-mollisong @emilyIMMA KAPEEFER! Til we're old and gray!
Ooh, even better now @catwing! I like it, I’d advise making the excerpt in italics. Also,(just my personal preference) Some suspenseful short sentences would be good.
Writer | Freelance Editor
Inspiration<
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