Editing Advice (Poem)

[Mallory O’Bier]

Hey, 🙂

So, I have this poem from last year that I know needs some work, (ahem, a lot) but before I hacked it to pieces I thought I would share it first and see what y’all think.

Does it make any sense? Do you have any suggestions? Any ideas? Give me your harshest criticism! Hahaha! 😉 (Seriously, please do! And tell me if it’s terrible! I’d really appreciate it.)

Oh, and if there are any parts you actually like, I wouldn’t hearing about them much. 😉

To: Everybody I can find-

@daeus @kate-flournoy @jess @clairec @bluejay @gretald @rolena-hatfield @spradlin @hope @aella @winter-rose @ingridrd @writefury @hannah-c @belegteleri @anna-brie @emma-flournoy @christi-eaton @zoe-wingfeather @sarah-h @faithdk

Notice:

If you have been tagged and do not wish to participate or be tagged in my poetry endeavors, (like, it’s not your thing,) that’s fine. I will not seek vengeance on those who do not reply to my tagging. If you have not been tagged and feel entitled to tagging or just want to comment on my poem, I will grant you satisfaction. (Feel free to abuse me below for not tagging you.) 😉

Poem (Name in progress)

So many stories sleeping in my head
Waiting to be written
Waiting to be read

‘Till I am overcome
By the multitude in my mind
I am restless from

My hands itch to hold the tool
My palms to feel the paper
And so begin my duel

A duel between my stories and my ability to express them well or ill
Still I experience no success
Try what I will

Why, wonder I, won’t my tales dance across the page?
My characters all act their parts
When I send them out on stage?

Yet they slumber on within my head
Waiting to be written
Waiting to be read

They taunt my waking hours and haunt me in my sleep
I try to set them free
But the key still I keep

Only I can write them out
The magic words are mine
Give them their packs and staves and set them on their route

But my skills are poor and few
How am I ever to win?
What am I to do?

These are the quirks of being a writer like me
How to take a dream of mine
and grow it into a tree

Until the many stories sleeping in my head
Will at last be written
Will finally be read

(End poem)

Let the games begin! 😉

• This topic was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Mallory O'Bier.

[Jess]

@overcomer, I like the overall poem, it’s lovely, but it can be better still! 🙂 I don’t know about the stories sleeping in my head part. Maybe the stories imprisoned in my head or something along those lines because you mention not finding the key to release them? And while I’m talking about the key, perhaps “But still the key I keep.” I like this line: “Give them their packs and staves and set them on their route,” but it doesn’t seem to fit in its stanza… It is a lovely poem! 🙂

[Emma Flournoy]

You tagged me, @Overcomer, but I think others will be better qualified to help you. Your assurance that I will not be sought vengeance on is greatly appreciated. 😀

That’s a neat poem, though. 🙂 I especially love the first three lines.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Emma Flournoy.

[Kate Flournoy]

It’s a lovely poem, @Overcomer— great concept, nice dexterity with the words and such— I definitely think it has promise. The one thing I’m not getting though is a consistent sense of rhythm. I’ll be reading, and think I’ve got a rhythm, and then I keep reading and the very next sentence it’s disrupted. I get the impression there IS a rhythm there, but I can’ find it. My subconscious is slipping all over the place in the dark. 😛
I think the main culprit is your single-syllable words. You’re using them blindly, not strategically, and that messes up the rhythm. Take this verse for instance.

But my skills are poor and few
How am I ever to win?
What am I to do?

That has a lot of promise, but you’ve got two rhythms going on just in that one verse. The first and third line go well together— simple and concise. But the middle line bounces and tumbles in a very beautiful rhythm that nevertheless doesn’t match with the others.
It should be either

But my writerly skills are poor and few
How am I ever to win?
What am I ever to do?

or

But my skills are poor and few.
How shall I win?
What shall I do?

This verse has the same problem:

Until the many stories sleeping in my head
Will at last be written
Will finally be read

It should be either

Until the many stories that sleep in my head
Will be written at last,
And at last shall be read.

or

Until the stories that sleep in my head
Will at last be written;
And at last be read.

Savvy? 😀

I really like the first verse too. I love how you echoed the beginning in the end.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Kate Flournoy.

INFP. kateeverythingwriting.wordpress.com

[Daeus]

Daeus concurs. Very nice start, but needs a lot of help with rhythm.

🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

[Greta]

@overcomer
I love the topic for the poem! Okay, you said you wanted feedback…so here comes some feedback. 😛

‘Till I am overcome
By the multitude in my mind
I am restless from

I would rewrite the last line in this stanza. I know it’s hard (believe me, I know) when you’re trying to find rhymes, but I think a different rhyme with “overcome” would work better here. Let me think…some, crumb, hum, rum (don’t use this one 😛 )…I can’t think of any others. Or you could go with a near rhyme like said-and-done or done.

And so begin my duel

I love your use of the word “duel,” but this line needs reworking because the rhythm is off just a bit. Maybe you could write something like “And so I will begin my duel.” That still kind of leaves the stanza hanging, though.

A duel between my stories and my ability to express them well or ill
Still I experience no success
Try what I will

In my opinion, this first line is too long. It disrupts the flow of the poem. Try shortening it like to “A duel between my abilities to write well or ill” or something like that…

Why, wonder I, won’t my tales dance across the page?
My characters all act their parts
When I send them out on stage?

I really like this stanza. 😉 I would just take out “I wonder” so that it flows better.

Yet they slumber on within my head
Waiting to be written
Waiting to be read

I love how you repeated the beginning lines here! 🙂

They taunt my waking hours and haunt me in my sleep
I try to set them free
But the key still I keep

I would change the last line to “but still the key I keep.”

Only I can write them out
The magic words are mine
Give them their packs and staves and set them on their route

Again, shorten the last line. Maybe like “I alone can set them their route.” Does that even make sense? 😛 Maybe a better way to say it is “I alone can show them their route.” 😉

What am I to do?

Possibly change to “what ever am I to do?” or “what am I going to do?” so that it flows better.

These are the quirks of being a writer like me
How to take a dream of mine
and grow it into a tree

The last line…maybe find a different rhyme?

Until the many stories sleeping in my head
Will at last be written
Will finally be read

Love how you end it! 😀

I really enjoyed your poem, Mallory! With a bit of reworking, this will be an excellent poem! Once you edit, you should definitely send this in to KP for publishing (unless you have other plans for it, of course)! 😉

[Christine Eaton]

I like the overall message of the poem, it’s really fun, but alas, I know nothing about poetry to be able to help edit this. Nice job though,

Theater kid. Currently depressed because I can't stop listening to sad musicals.

[Mallory O’Bier]

Thanks for your advice and feedback, guys! I’ll look over my poem and tweak it and get back to you. 🙂

[Anna Brie]

I don’t think I can help improve it, but I do like the overall idea. I connect with it.

[Sarah Hoven]

@overcomer I really like the first verse, and the way you repeat it throughout the poem. 🙂

[Sarah Spradlin]

@overcomer I am a huge fan of this! Definitely something that I imagine being read at a coffee house type of event. I think it was pretty solid there until the very end, and then I think you lost some momentum with a few unwieldy stanzas. The last stanza was good though. 🙂 I love the motif of “waiting to be written, waiting to be read” that you have throughout the poem itself. *many thumbs up* You should submit this sometime. *grins*

"When enemies attack your kingdom you don't flee you show them why it's your kingdom. With your lightsaber."

[BlueJay]

@spradlin’s answer to everything, “Submit it” 🙂 *Grins*
I love writing poetry @overcomer, but I’m terrible at critiquing it. 🙁 Sorry.

[Sarah Spradlin]

@bluejay Of course it is! XD 😀

"When enemies attack your kingdom you don't flee you show them why it's your kingdom. With your lightsaber."

[ClaireC]

hmm, I echo @bluejay, Love writing it, but can’t critique it. I got here a little late to join the party, but I agree with just about everything everyone else has said. Nice poem! @overcomer

• This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by ClaireC.

Official Member of the Certified Club of Aussie Kapeefers

[Anonymous]

@overcomer I Love it! It does have some places it could be improved, but I think you’ve already gotten some advice on that.:)
When you are done reworking it, could you post it again? I would like to read the final poem.

[Author]

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