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This topic contains 5 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Dekreel 4 weeks ago.

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  • #49512

    Dekreel
    @dekreel
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    Hi guys! I have a poem that I hope to post on KP by Christmas. It’s a Christmas poem called “My Arms Branch Out Wide.”

    My arms branch out wide
    As the Sun beams down,
    Filling the forest around me with light
    The snow, oh so white,
    Shines like crystals gleaming
    I take it all in with all my might

    Tall creatures surround me;
    I believe they are called “people”
    But, alas, it is evil on which they are keen
    I’m brought to my knees
    And I’m dragged out of sight
    Not knowing what to do, or what all this means

    As I’m riding in a buggy,
    So smelly, so wet,
    With a discomfort I’ve never experienced before,
    I watch with dismay
    As my wonderful home
    Disappears from view; my heart is torn

    I’m brought back to sunlight
    And tied up and scratched
    With knives of all sizes they stir my grief
    I’m burdened with sadness
    And bound by rope…
    Now I know what it’s like to be a shriveled leaf

    The bonds are unraveled
    I am allowed to stand
    But with fear and sorrow I realize the truth
    Other ones like me
    Are being held hostage
    From slender to tall, from elder to youth

    The people are abundant
    They seem to be jolly
    Their clothing woolly, their faces rosy
    Just then I’m brought down
    And I think with alarm
    Of all the hostages, somebody chose me

    All over again,
    I’m bound and cut
    And cast into darkness once again
    As I lie bouncing
    In another ghastly engine,
    I feel there is nothing to ease my pain

    I’m brought inside
    Of a tall, sturdy hut,
    And at last I’m allowed to stretch my limbs
    My insides are dry,
    And my torso is stiff
    How I long for a pool of water to the rim

    All of a sudden,
    I’m surrounded again
    By juvenille people with bright rosy cheeks
    All at once they start clothing me
    With dozens of trinkets,
    And lights of all colors from bottom to peak

    They put gifts at my feet,
    And fresh water to drink
    I feel a great, pulsing joy in my heart
    It flows through my veins
    And nourishes my core
    Sweetened with mirth is my body, every part

    It’s a few days later
    And the young ones are squealing
    I watch as they unwrap the gifts in delight
    I gaze at the whole family
    Transparent with glee
    Their merriment is glowing with a brilliant light

    My arms branch out wide
    As the children beam up
    Filling the room that I’m in with light
    The family, so right
    Shines like crystals, gleaming
    I take it all in with all my might

    As at last, I find a peace, so bright

    I have shown this poem to my Dad, my English teacher, and Kingdom Pen, and they all agree that I need to reword for accuracy – some of the terminology is too human. (In case you didn’t catch it, the poem is about a Christmas tree) For example I used words like “knees” and “veins,” both of which trees don’t have. Do you guys have any suggestions to make this poem more clear but still subtle? Also not quite so “dark” and “scary?”

    Pronounced DEE-kreel. Music-maker, Daydreamer, Expert Whovian, ENFP.

    #49948

    Dekreel
    @dekreel
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    Anyone?

    @dragon-snapper, @jane-maree, @kate-flournoy, @daeus

    Pronounced DEE-kreel. Music-maker, Daydreamer, Expert Whovian, ENFP.

    #49980

    Jane Maree
    @jane-maree
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    @dekreel to tone it down from being so dark, you could change the aspects of fear and horror/dismay that the tree feels, to a sense of confusion and curiosity. That would shift the mood from ‘scary’ to a much lighter feel.

    A way to avoid so much of the human terminology you can use similes instead. Saying “I feel a great, pulsing joy in my heart” could be changed to something more along the lines of ‘Joy pulses through me, as if I had a heart’ (not that actual phrasing though, that’s just a rough example of changing the literal “the tree has a heart” to “it’s like the tree has a heart.)

    Writing Heroes ♦ Writing Hope // janemareeauthor.com.au


    DaughterOfTheKing
    @daughteroftheking
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    @dekreel How did I not see this? *shakes head at self* Anyway, I liked it a lot. But, I don’t write/know anything about poetry, so… I’m just going to stand here awkwardly. 😉 The line “How I long for a pool of water to the rim” sounds weird to me. But, again I don’t know anything about poetry, so I don’t have any suggestions as to how to change it. Over all, great poem! 😀

    But not without regard for the double negative!

    #49984

    Ingrid
    @ingridrd
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    @dekreel This is a great poem. I love the tree’s voice.
    There are definitely some parts that are awkward. I echo what @daughteroftheking said about the line

    How I long for a pool of water to the rim

    And I also agree with @jane-maree about the dark mood. I felt like the tree was dying and in agony almost the whole time. Maybe turn his sadness into joy sooner? Free-verse is sometimes hard to do and you pulled it off nicely. Anyway, just some thoughts.

    A dreamer who believes in the impossible...and dragons. (INFJ-T)

    #50007

    Dekreel
    @dekreel
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    Thank you all very much! I will look into the changes
    @daughteroftheking Don’t feel bad – my English teacher didn’t get it the first time either!

    Pronounced DEE-kreel. Music-maker, Daydreamer, Expert Whovian, ENFP.

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