Critique, anyone?

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  • #26013
    R. J. Wordsmith
    @r-j-wordsmith
      • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
      • Total Posts: 113

      Okay, apparently I deleted the post or something the first time, so here we go again. This is a short story I wrote a few months ago. Any suggestions, opinions, or criticism is very welcome and much desired. Say what you think. It isn’t very long, so I’m just going to put it right here.

      The Mailbox
      R. J. Wordsmith

      I am an old, worn out mailbox. My life has been both good and long. It all started many years ago, hen the house I sand in front of was newly built. A young couple who were newly married (a lot of people seemed to be doing that for some reason) had just moved in. She was Laurie and he was Ralph. They were very happy together, and well I remember the day they painted their last name on my side. A lot of ‘Congratulations’ letters in colored envelopes came in, and for a few day I felt nearly bursting from the joyful torrent of well-wishes.

      Then one day an official typed letter with a government stamp on it arrived. Laurie came out to get the mail, humming a song as she often did. Unlike other letters, some of which made her sigh or smile or even scowl, this one made her sad. She stopped humming and I heard her whisper “Oh Ralph,” in a broken sort of voice before hurrying inside.
      The next morning Ralph came outside carrying a suitcase, followed a moment later by Laurie. They came down the walk from the house to where a taxi was waiting on my right. The two said Goodby to each other, and she cried. Then Ralph got into the Taxi and it drove away. Laurie waved and looked heartbroken for a few moments after the car disappeared, then she took a deep breath and dried her tears as best she could. That afternoon a blue star was hung in the window.

      Around that time things got very busy. Laurie went out quite a lot to tin-drives and Red Cross and other things she would get invitations for. Sometimes she made casseroles and took them to other families with blue stars who lived in the neighborhood. Then she would get a sort of despairing look in her eyes, but it was always shaken off. There were happy days too, the ones when letters from places like England or France would arrive. Laurie would hug them close, smiling like a sunrise, and begin to read them before she even got into the house.

      Then came a very bad day. A telegraph man biked up to the house and delivered a message. I don’t know what it said, however it must have been awful, for Laurie sank down on her knees and sobbed right there on the porch after reading it. The blue star was switched for a gold one, people brought casseroles, and she dressed in dark colors.
      Time passes swiftly, and one day Laurie received a teacher’s certificate in the mail. Things were happier then, during summer and Christmas vacation the children would send letters. This always made her smile, though not so much like a sunrise as she used to. It didn’t seem long to me, but I am only a mailbox, so I was surprised when she sent in a letter of resignation to the school. Laurie’s hair was now streaked with white, and there were smiley wrinkles around her eyes and mouth. Letters from doctors came a lot then, and little rattly packages too. She would sit on the porch reading, and passersby would wave and say “Hello,” sometimes.

      A few days ago Laurie did not sit on the porch. Instead, black car pulled up in front of the house and several men in dark clothes went in. When they came out they were carrying a long, brown box. I haven’t seen Laurie since. Yesterday a sign that says “Condemned” was stuck in the ground next to me. I wonder what it means. Oh well, perhaps a letter will arrive tomorrow, none seem to arrive anymore.
      The End

      #26025
      Emma Flournoy
      @emma-flournoy
        • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
        • Total Posts: 1352

        @R-J-Wordsmith Ooh, I like that. It’s nicely short, but you still made it interesting and fit the story in.

        *sniff*

        I’m not sure I caught the meaning of the ‘condemned’ sign though; she died, but I don’t know any better than the mailbox what the sign means. 😛
        Also I noticed a few missed words and letters, and punctuation errors—several things like that, if you’d like for me to point them out.

        The way the story’s written…it kind of reminds me of the childrens’ book The Giving Tree. Do you know that one?

        #26026
        Kate Flournoy
        @kate-flournoy
          • Rank: Chosen One
          • Total Posts: 3976

          This should totally be a children’s book. With the right illustrations it would be perfect. I love it. As Emma pointed out, a few errors as far as punctuation and spelling, but otherwise it’s lovely. Good work, @R-J-Wordsmith.

          R. J. Wordsmith
          @r-j-wordsmith
            • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
            • Total Posts: 113

            Thank you both! @emma-flournoy when a house is marked ‘condemned’ it means it will be torn down. I have never read The Giving Tree, or I might have and just not remember it. @kate-flournoy I would love to make all my little baby short stories into books, but alas! I cannot draw well enough. A little, but not enough to do the characters justice.

            #26070
            Ingrid
            @ingridrd
              • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
              • Total Posts: 830

              @r-j-wordsmith
              What are you trying to do? Make me cry my eyes out??? *blows nose and wipes away tears*
              This is so simple but beautifully written. I did notice some spelling and punctation errors, but other than that, it’s really good. I see now from your post above what the “Condemned” sign means, but maybe you could make that a little clearer. You might just want to say a “For Sale” sign was put in the yard to make sure there is no confusion…? Maybe.
              Great work! 🙂

              A dreamer who believes in the impossible...and dragons. (INFJ-T)

              #26071
              R. J. Wordsmith
              @r-j-wordsmith
                • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
                • Total Posts: 113

                @ingridrd thanks for reading! I did consider having a ‘For Sale’ sign, but the thing is that the whole story has already been told. What I mean is, this is rather beyond a ‘Happily Ever After’, that was when Ralph and Laurie came to live there. Now the place is old, and much too run down to sell. The house will soon be gone, and with it, the mailbox. This lends an air of finality to the story’s last paragraph. I could have written a scene where the mailbox is pulled out and taken to the dump, but I thought that was going a trifle too far. I appreciate the feedback, and any suggestions are welcome.

                #26072
                R. J. Wordsmith
                @r-j-wordsmith
                  • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
                  • Total Posts: 113

                  Actually, this is like the only sad story I have ever written. Any others I release in the future will have much happier endings.

                  #26076
                  Ethryndal
                  @ethryndal
                    • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                    • Total Posts: 1013

                    @r-j-wordsmith There’s nothing so tragically wonderful as a sad story, and boy, you’ve written a good one. I have nothing further to add to what has already been pointed out, but I will say that I agree with you about the condemned sign. (Even though I didn’t know what it meant either. 🙂 ) If the house goes for sale, readers would be left to imagine that another Ralph and Laurie might move in, and then everything would start all over again. If the house is torn down…well, yeah.

                    INTJ ➸Your friendly neighborhood mastermind. ➸https://thesarcasticelf.wordpress.com/

                    #26081
                    Emma Flournoy
                    @emma-flournoy
                      • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                      • Total Posts: 1352

                      Yep, what @Ethryndal said, even though I didn’t know what it meant. @R-J-Wordsmith

                      #26138
                      Ethryndal
                      @ethryndal
                        • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
                        • Total Posts: 1013

                        @r-j-wordsmith I would like to add that even before knowing what condemned meant, I kind of liked it. It felt ominous, especially not knowing what it meant, which I think is what you were trying to get across, so I wouldn’t stress too much over it. 🙂 Also, after rereading, I noticed this bit at the end:

                        Oh well, perhaps a letter will arrive tomorrow, none seem to arrive anymore.

                        Sorry, this is me being nit-picky, but I would do something with the two uses of ‘arrive’. When I read the same word right on the back of the other, it kind of feels bumpy. How about this:

                        Oh well, perhaps a letter will arrive tomorrow, though none seem to come anymore.

                        INTJ ➸Your friendly neighborhood mastermind. ➸https://thesarcasticelf.wordpress.com/

                        #26140
                        R. J. Wordsmith
                        @r-j-wordsmith
                          • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
                          • Total Posts: 113

                          Thank you so much @ethryndal! I can’t believe I missed that. Will fix right away.

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