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This topic contains 3 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Dekreel 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #55511

    Alia
    @alia
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    hey guys, I’m fairly new at writing poetry, but last Christmas I thought I’d give it a shot. Anyway, long story short I finally finished it. If you see anywhere that I could improve it please please please let me know.

     

    ’twas the day before Christmas and all through the shop,

    Every elf was a packing Santa’s sleigh to the top.

    The laughter was heard on every elf ear,

    Saying Santa would soon be near.

    Then an elf named Telf saw in dismay,

    A small little gift atop a toy sleigh.

    “Not good, not good.” Said the elf named Telf,

    “Must tell the Jolly old Elf.”

    So off he went, with his long pointed ears,

    In hopes to soon draw near to man with the deer.

    But alas, for Santa’s sleigh was long gone,

    And the poor little elf had none.

    So, away Telf rode, in the little toy sleigh,

    In hopes to catch the large one, far above a little bay.

    A KP Ranger and Sister of the Herons
    INTP sister to an INTJ...
    mirakrin.wordpress.com

    #55601

    Dekreel
    @dekreel
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    @alia This is cute! I like the story! I think you could tweak some of the lines, so they don’t sound too short and choppy, but other than that, it’s awesome 🙂

    Pronounced DEE-kreel. Daydreamer, Expert Whovian, ENFP-T.
    Writing a KeePer Adventure!

    #55611

    Alia
    @alia
    • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
    • Total Posts: 215

    @dekreel, any ideas on how I can tweak them? And which ones need major tweaking?

    A KP Ranger and Sister of the Herons
    INTP sister to an INTJ...
    mirakrin.wordpress.com

    #55701

    Dekreel
    @dekreel
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 570

    @alia  Sorry I didn’t reply sooner!

    The line “Must tell the Jolly old elf” in particular should be longer. Maybe “I must report now to the Jolly old elf.”

    In general, the more similar the poem lines in a poem are in terms of syllables, the more beautiful the poem as a whole will be. So maybe you could lengthen/shorten all your lines to the same syllable length (12) as the very first line, “‘Twas the day before Christmas and all through the shop…” It would also have the same rhythm (de de DA de de DA de de DA de de DA) (‘Twas the DAY before CHRISTmas and ALL through the SHOP)

    Hopefully that makes sense 🙂

    Pronounced DEE-kreel. Daydreamer, Expert Whovian, ENFP-T.
    Writing a KeePer Adventure!

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