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‘Kay, this is actually an excerpt from one of my historical fiction novels that I wrote some time ago. It’s pretty much the introductory scene for my second main character, and I’d like to know what you guys think.
Pretty much all you need to know is that he’s supposed to be mysterious— I delve deeper into his actual personality a little later in the book, but technically speaking this is his first scene. Anyway, there’s been mystery building up around his house (the ‘little house’ mentioned in the excerpt) and the strange owner everyone says inhabits it, but no one ever sees.
Without further ado, here it is.Long after Mr. Prescott’s household, indeed all of respectable London, had gone to sleep, while the street lamps burned dim and fitful in the foggy atmosphere and the dark pressed in upon the small pinpoints of light hungrily, a black carriage turned into the street upon which Mr. Prescott resided. It was a commonplace carriage; indeed, a common cab, but it was out rather late for one of its kind. It rattled quietly down the rows of shuttered houses, and finally came to a halt before the little brick house with green shutters just opposite the lawyer’s dwelling. The driver, his collar pulled up high over his cheeks to shield himself from the biting early autumn air, twisted around on his seat and saw the door of his cab open quietly, black against the lighted sidewalk under the street lamp. The passenger appeared against that light suddenly; a tall man in a black hat and a long, dark cloak. Closing the door after himself, the man stopped and took something out of his pocket, then held his hand out to the cabby, who had jumped down from the box and stood beside him. The cabby took his fare with a gruff thanks, and pocketing it stood watching his passenger curiously. The man was tall indeed; very tall. Without his hat he must have been at least six feet three inches, and he carried himself well and confidently. “Sir,” the cabby ventured as the man began to ascend the steps to the little house, “Sir, if I may ask, what is your name? I should like to know; I keep a record of my customers.”
The man halted, and stood for a moment with one hand on the iron railing. Suddenly turning his head, he afforded the curious cabby a very sharp view of a clearly cut, handsome profile, with a somewhat long, perfectly straight nose, a well molded forehead, and a sensitive but firm mouth.“I had rather not give my name to anyone just now, my man,” he replied. “You are quite welcome to record my address if you wish or think it necessary.”
“I’ll do that then,” the cabby answered, and swung himself back up into the driver’s seat, taking up the reins and urging his horse away into the night. His passenger ascended the rest of the way up the front steps, stopping on the top step and taking a small key out of his pocket. This he pushed into the lock, and with great difficulty managed to turn it. Then, pocketing the key again, he went into the dark house and shut the door.Some of the stylistic stuff needs work— like, all the adverbs and adjectives. *wince* I wrote it a while back and have improved since then, so you don’t have to feel obligated to point that out. You can, but you don’t have to. 🙂 I just want your thoughts on the actual scene.
Thanks in advance. You guys are awesome.@kate-flournoy I don’t think all the adverbs and adjectives are bad. There is some good description here. The worst part is at the beginning. It would have been better I’m sure with some context, but there was an over description or at least ineffective description that made it feel like running through two foot water. It got much better later on. The visualization was easier after that.
I thought it was an interesting scene that promised good things to come in the story.
As for the cabby, I’m wondering why he asked for the man’s name. It seems abnormal and I’m wondering what his motivation could be, especially seeing as he seemed a tad shy.
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Thank you, @Daeus. That pretty much answers all the doubts I had about this scene.
You should hire yourself out as a professional editor.But honestly, I don’t know how anyone could stand such a profession. 😛
One question— what about the guy? Did the scene pique your interest in him? That’s pretty much the only purpose to have it— to show that he’s come home, and to make you wonder about him. His name is Mr. Turner, by the way. 🙂 Harrison Turner.
@kate-flournoy the guy seemed pretty interesting. The scene displayed that he is important and that he has an unordinary life – a secret life to some degree. I also liked that he had a perfectly straight nose because that seemed to give him a personality unique to his type.
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Ha… yes, his nose. 🙂 For some reason I tend to give my characters noses that fit their personality types. It’s… kind of weird, when you think about it. 😛
*pauses with mouse over ‘submit’, cringes, moves back to message and inserts*: @Daeus.
*sigh* These tag things will be the death of me yet.😉
I just realized I know nothing about my characters noses. They do have them of course, I may have even mentioned the existence of a nose a few times, but what they are like nobody knows.
*horrified gasp* Oh no! That’s terrible!
Well actually, I don’t think you have to worry about it too much. It is a given, after all, that most humans have noses. 😛
It’s alright @anna-brie I don’t know much about my characters noses either. ?
And I’m loving the story @kate-flour no I want to know how it goes. *Gasp.* I’m hooked. ?Silly phone and auto correct. Try again.
@kate-flournoyNow I want to know what happens and how it ends and… *argh!* ?
You’ll have to let me know when it’s a published book @kate-flournoy and then I’ll be able to buy it and read it for myself. ?
A dark joke. But a legitimately author-ish one, I’ll give you that. 😉
I liked it! I could definitely see from your other writings how you’ve progressed, but this isn’t a bad start at all. Nice and expectant. It piqued my interest for the character, which I believe was your intention. So, good job. 😛
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