Home Forums Other Art Forms Film Can anyone proof my film sript? Please?

This topic contains 23 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Rochellaine 2 weeks, 5 days ago.

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  • #62145

    Alia
    @alia
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    @ceaseless-prayer, sorry got busy. I’ll read it today or tomorrow

    Currently writing two unruly books
    INTP sister to an INTJ...
    mirakrin.wordpress.com

    #62162

    Grace H.
    @gh24682468999
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    @ceaseless-prayer I just read through the entire thing and…wow! This is such a thought-out piece of work. It’s amazing that you get to help shoot this whole thing, and act in it as well!

    If I have time I may scroll through it and find a few little details that I saw… but I remember that in the first or second page you still had a (parenthetical) with nothing in it, and at one point you wrote “hooky”, so I’m not sure if that was what you wanted to say or not. Also you may want to consider the letter being narrated while a hand is writing, because I don’t think I’ve seen films show all the words clearly on screen, for an entire letter.

    Some comments about the big picture…

    – You have long sequences of Tommy narrating. If you don’t put it in your script (which would make sense, it would take a lot of space) make sure you know what shots you’re going to be playing while Tommy narrates over them. For example, when Tommy talks about Gramp’s Christmas decorations, you can zoom in on those.

    – The pancake scene seems a bit too long for something that’s not connected to the main line of action. If you need to introduce the characters, try to make the pancake incident something that ends up relating to Gramps and what he says. Or shorten it (because it is part of a dream, right?). You could also consider introducing them in other scenarios early on, so it doesn’t have to be a bunch of unfamiliar people at once.

    – You have a lot of flashbacks, so when editing, make sure that its going to be really obvious.

    – I’m not sure how the title relates, as the whole story seems to be mostly slow and contemplative.

    -In the end, Tommy accepts Christ, right? I guess that you could make that a little clearer in his reaction to the airplane tickets: instead of just “this is awesome”, maybe you could give him a line that shows what this gift means to him spiritually. I love that you end with a quote (which is about Gramps, right?)

    This is super duper duper long and I’m sorry if I said too much. But I find it phenomenal that you’re part of such a big movie project. I hope you have a great time filming!

    It's g-h, 2-4-6-8 twice, three 9's
    literatureforthelight.wordpress.com

    #62165

    Grace H.
    @gh24682468999
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    And a word about the theme… it’s amazing. Gramps is a cool guy, and you’ve developed both him and Tommy very well, and it carries the story through. Good job on character development + theme! You communicate a lot of spiritual information well, but it’s not cliche or annoyingly preachy.

    It's g-h, 2-4-6-8 twice, three 9's
    literatureforthelight.wordpress.com

    #62399

    Keleigha Liess
    @ceaseless-prayer
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    @gh24682468999 Aww, thank you SO much for the sweet compliments! I always love my writing projects, but feel pretty shy about sharing them, because, as I’m sure you can understand, I feel pretty sure they’re probably not really all that great. So… your comments were more than a little encouraging! No worries about the long post. I really appreciate a view from the outside.

    Thank you for the tips. I’ll look back over it and do some more editing. I was planning on filming the flashbacks in sepia or monochrome…

    The title was intended to be about the dash between the dates on a tombstone. But actually, because of an idea my dad had, we decided to change the name, and write “The Dash” later. We just haven’t come up with any satisfactory titles yet, so if you happen to have any ideas for that,  I’d appreciate hearing them!

    Thanks again for all the encouragement! =)

     

    #62450

    Keleigha Liess
    @ceaseless-prayer
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    @rochellaine hmm, nope I didn’t get it. Maybe you can just try messaging it to me?

    #62453

    Rochellaine
    @rochellaine
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    @ceaseless prayer I just realized it is really long and am wondering if maybe it was blocked because of that.  Let’s see if this post goes through.

    “Sylvester – Sylvester!”

    #62459

    Keleigha Liess
    @ceaseless-prayer
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    Okay, I see this one…

    #62461

    Keleigha Liess
    @ceaseless-prayer
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    Maybe you could split it up into a few smaller posts?

    #62467

    Rochellaine
    @rochellaine
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
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    @ceaseless-prayer I tried cutting it into smaller posts, but still couldn’t post it.  It’s really weird.  I also tried doing a public message of it to you like I did in the first place to contact you, but apparently that didn’t work either.

    Here is a google document into which I copied my comments.  Let’s see if you can view this one. 🙂

    “Sylvester – Sylvester!”

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