Home Forums Fiction Writing Critiques Short Story Critiques Before the Sunrise – Missionary Kid Realistic Fiction

This topic contains 18 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by  Grace H. 3 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #61626

    Grace H.
    @gh24682468999
    • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
    • Total Posts: 108

    Would anybody be willing to read and critique my latest short story?

    It’s about a missionary kid who is struggling with letting go of people and embracing new friendships.

    I’m hoping especially for comments about character, theme, plot, etc… as I tend to struggle with the big picture of fiction rather than the small details.

    Here’s the link (you should be able to comment):ย https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OUtdkp5tXEetwBEPwkFToTxuz-vsM_UhjBbr2WGdDXY/edit?usp=sharing Please let me know if it doesn’t work!

    Thanks!

    (p.s. I’m not too sure who would be super into this so if anyone wants to tag people who like this kind of stuff, or any other missionary kids around the Forum) @daeus @aratrea

    It's g-h, 2-4-6-8 twice, three 9's
    literatureforthelight.wordpress.com

    #61632

    Dekreel
    @dekreel
    • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
    • Total Posts: 1406

    @gh24682468999ย  I read it and made some tweaks to it. I really love it!! ๐Ÿ˜€

    Pronounced DEE-kreel. ENFJ -T (with a hint of ENFP)
    And no, I am not a wolf. Iโ€™m NOT!

    #61643

    Kaya Young
    @kaya-young
    • Rank: Wise Jester
    • Total Posts: 68

    @gh24682468999ย  I’m no MK, but that was wonderful! you were able to eloquently express emotion without being like “she was very, very, overwhelmingly sad and it made her sad”. Good Job!

    I think it’s cool how you did it in third person, I kinda expected it to be in first person so it was nice to see something so emotional in third. I also like the journal entries, they give it a personal touch. I would just be careful to have Caitlyn’s journal entries to have a different writing style than yours.

    If you don’t mind me asking, are you a missionary kid/teen?

    I adore spontaneity, providing it is carefully planned.

    #61652

    TheAcornman
    @theacornman
    • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
    • Total Posts: 125

    @gh24682468999

    I thought this was really well written. You conveyed realistic and captivating emotion. I think that really helped to drive the story.

    You don’t have to answer this but is this based off a similar experience of yours?

    That one English guy.

    #61653

    SleepwalkingMK
    @sleepwalkingmk
    • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
    • Total Posts: 104

    @gh24682468999

    Great job on this! As a missionary kid, this hitsย veryย close to home. Ouch, but I needed it ๐Ÿ˜› So thank you. I saw myself in Caitlyn, and definitely understand her situation, missing friends and trying not to make new ones just to get hurt all over again. And the emotions coming even when she could get Megan’s email address easily–definitely realistic and relatable. And you captured it all so well! Are/were you a missionary kid? I need to see this published. Please!

    This is just a suggestion: I was thinking maybe you could expand on the title/theme in the title by having Caitlyn observe a sunset. Maybe when she first meets Jasper? So it could tie into the title more. Just a suggestion ๐Ÿ™‚

    And I think I know of two former MKs I could tag… @clairec @livgiordano

     

    Read to explore worlds, write to create them

    #61654

    Grace H.
    @gh24682468999
    • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
    • Total Posts: 108

    @dekreel @kaya-young @theacornman @sleepwalkingmk

    Wow, thanks for all the nice things you said! I’m glad that y’all enjoyed it. ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ When I have time I will go over all the comments, but thanks for adding them!

    Yes, I am an MK (currently in Taiwan), and yes this is loosely based off a real-life experience from travelling in the USA last summer. I did not lose a best friend, but I did stay in a home where I’d like to have talked to the guy more, but awkwardness/busyness kept us from being as good friends as I’d have liked.

    As for publishing… my advanced writing teacher wants this in the literary magazine our class is putting out. I would love to get it on KP but because of the submission guidelines, I can’t be sure.

    It's g-h, 2-4-6-8 twice, three 9's
    literatureforthelight.wordpress.com

    #61754

    ClaireC
    @clairec
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 616

    @gh24682468999, I haven’t read it yet, but will do so ASAP. @sleepwalkingmk, thanks for tagging me. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Official Member of the Certified Club of Aussie Kapeefers

    #61775

    Rochellaine
    @rochellaine
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 535

    @gh24682468999 Just popping in to let you know I read andย enjoyed your story.ย  ๐Ÿ™‚

    I’m not a real MK, but my family does travel a lot because of a parenting and adoption ministry we have, so I’ve had the experience of making friends, being sure we’re inseparable, and then leaving, promising to write, and eventually forgetting. ๐Ÿ™ย  Your story was very realistic, and (I think) well written.

    โ€œSylvester โ€“ Sylvester!โ€

    #61794

    Grace H.
    @gh24682468999
    • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
    • Total Posts: 108

    @dekreel I just went over your comments — thanks again for adding them! And thanks to Adora (such a beautiful name!) even though I don’t quite know who that is.

    @clairec Can’t wait to see what you think of it!

    @rochellaine Wow, it’s great what your family is doing. I’m glad you could relate. Thank you!

    @sleepwalkingmk About the sunset thing, the first line of the entire story is actually a sunset. But yes, I think I should add the metaphor once more in the story to make it sufficient. Thanks!

     

    It's g-h, 2-4-6-8 twice, three 9's
    literatureforthelight.wordpress.com

    #61795

    SleepwalkingMK
    @sleepwalkingmk
    • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
    • Total Posts: 104

    @gh24682468999 Oh, I’m sorry for the confusion! I’m Adora ๐Ÿ™‚

    Read to explore worlds, write to create them

    #61798

    Grace H.
    @gh24682468999
    • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
    • Total Posts: 108

    @sleepwalkingmk Ohhh okay. Thanks for commenting ๐Ÿ™‚

    It's g-h, 2-4-6-8 twice, three 9's
    literatureforthelight.wordpress.com

    #61832

    ClaireC
    @clairec
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 616

    Simply wonderful, @gh24682468999! As a former MK, this all makes total sense, and is precisely what I went through. Learning to accept and move forward, to see the bright side, to trust that God really does do all things for the good of those that love Him, is extremely difficult, but not impossible. With God, ALL things are possible. You covered the concept so well! Way to go, dear. ๐Ÿ™‚

    BTW, I agree with the others, you should definitely publish this on KP. Totally understand about the difficulty with submission guidelines, but you should write in anyway, just to double check. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Official Member of the Certified Club of Aussie Kapeefers

    #61889

    Grace H.
    @gh24682468999
    • Rank: Loyal Sidekick
    • Total Posts: 108

    @clairec ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€ Thank you so much! I’m glad the theme came across well.

    And as for publication, it looks like I might make it. It’ll be cutting things a bit short, though…

    It's g-h, 2-4-6-8 twice, three 9's
    literatureforthelight.wordpress.com

    #61891

    ClaireC
    @clairec
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 616

    @gh2468246999, Yay!

    Official Member of the Certified Club of Aussie Kapeefers

    #61893

    ClaireC
    @clairec
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 616

    @gh24682468999

    Official Member of the Certified Club of Aussie Kapeefers

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