Home Forums Fiction Writing Critiques Short Story Critiques A Short Fairy Tale Story

This topic contains 25 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by  Jada Morrison 8 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #28138

    Daeus
    @daeus
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    @overcomer Ha! That part about the opposite shoes…

    Ok, so as for your questions/idea, I’d say I don’t think so for first two, but yes for the second two, especially the last one, because, while after I got what you were doing I thought the ending was funny, it confused me at first. Showing how the characters developed would be helpful for that.

    I’m also going to be countercultural here and say that I actually like it how it is with the introduction of the princess and I wouldn’t change it. It follows the structure of most fairytales with that type of introduction and I don’t really think you want to focus more on the shoe guy because he’s really not the main character in the end. I also don’t mind the telling in “the quality of his horse etc etc” because it’s a fairy tale and fairy tales can tell a lot more than normal.

    #28140

    Jenni Grace W.
    @graciegirl
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    @overcomer This is really fun! I really like it! For some reason I really love the part where the peddler decides to try and help because ‘people said he was clever’. That was a great snippet of character development and really made me believe he’d had a life before this story. I don’t usually see that in fairytale stories like this. 🙂

    As far as critique goes….I don’t think I have anything to say which hasn’t already been touched on by everyone else……

    Oh, there was one thing. Is there a specific theme or message you are attempting to portray? When the peddler was speaking with the dance master, I got the impression there was a moral about people assuming something is ‘wrong’ with those who are different. (The princess cannot dance like other princesses, so she is not functional in the eyes of most.) The rest of the story didn’t really continue this, especially at the end when, as others have said, nothing was done on the part of the princess to put an end to this flawed reasoning. Just curious if I was imagining it, because if I was, then that makes sense why I couldn’t seem to find it anywhere else. However, on the off chance it was intended, I just wanted to mention that it wasn’t continuous. 🙂 Again, very enjoyable! Great work! 😀
    Btw, sorry if you’ve already addressed this in another comment. I kinda skimmed over them so someone might have already said something similar. 🙂

    *is probably geeking out about something*

    #28160

    Mallory O’Bier
    @overcomer
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    I’m glad you enjoyed my story, @winter-rose ! 😀 Thanks for sharing your perspective, and giving me some things to think about. 🙂

    Thanks, @jane-maree . That was nice of you to do that. 🙂 I’ll be sure to give it a look when I prepare to write the next draft.

    #28161

    Mallory O’Bier
    @overcomer
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    Thanks, @daeus . I was thinking that I could leave the structure the way it was if I just developed the story and characters a bit more, so it was nice to find that someone else thought it would work. 🙂

    I’m not sure which route I will take. I like how focusing more on one character (either the princess or the peddler) would allow me to build more of a theme into my story. I could make it about the peddler instead of the princess if I wanted because I actually developed his story more, it just didn’t make the cut for this draft. I could easily make it about his adventure.

    However, if I work to develop it, the structure it has now offers ample room for development too. I love the feel of the beginning, but I’m also intrigued with trying another approach. I’ll have to think it over. 🙂

    I especially appreciated your thoughts on the ending of my story because it was written in haste, and I honestly wasn’t sure how it turned out. I was surprised nobody else said anything about it. I was cringing, expecting someone to write something like, “What was up with that ending, anyway? It was so abrupt!” 😉

    I do have one question, though. Do you think my story lacks conflict?

    #28162

    Mallory O’Bier
    @overcomer
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    Thanks, @graciegirl ! 🙂 I’ve been thinking about working on a theme for my next draft. I wrote this story pantser style, so I didn’t really think about a theme when I wrote it. It was fun. 🙂

    #28163

    Daeus
    @daeus
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    @overcomer, No, I thought the conflict was fine. 🙂

    #28164

    Mallory O’Bier
    @overcomer
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    Really? Okay, thanks, @daeus . 🙂

    #28192

    Jane Maree
    @jane-maree
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    @overcomer no problem! I hope it’s helpful. 🙂

    Writing Heroes ♦ Writing Hope // janemareeauthor.com.au


    Jada Morrison
    @jadamae
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    @overcomer Great story, but the Peddler didn’t get the girl? What?

    #28495

    Mallory O’Bier
    @overcomer
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    No, he doesn’t, @jadamae . 🙂 May I ask, what about my story made that particularly surprising to you? I would be very interested to know.

    If there’s a scene or something about my story that falsely foreshadows the ending, I may want to make some adjustments. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with a surprising ending, but I don’t want to make my readers feel tricked or indignant if you know what I mean. 🙂

    #29621

    Jada Morrison
    @jadamae
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    @overcomer I guess it might have been because he was the first gentleman that showed up in the story, and maybe because I thought she wouldn’t necessarily learn to dance and might end up with him. 🙂 It’s not a big deal, but I didn’t have much time to type a comment. 🙂

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