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Hey, everyone! I would love critiquing on this poem. Thanks!
A Day in the Country
By: Greta Dornbirer
Oh, where are you going,
On this sunny day?
To the country I’m a-going!
Why to the country?
The city you should try!
Oh no! The city is not for me!
For I prefer the country,
Where all is bright and gay!
The night is dark and starry,
And brilliant is the day!
The air is crisp in autumn
The cider is a-brewing!
All is authentic.
The birds chirping in the spring!
The smell of sweet honey
The soft, brown fur of the bunny!
Ol’ farmhouses,
And grazing horses!
Fields of corn!
Little calves being born!
The fields of lavender asters,
The soft wind blowing,
The green of the trees,
The feeling of being free!
The cows a-mooing,
The cats’ meowing!
The barking of the dog,
And the smell of the hog!
The squawking of chickens,
The sound of laughing children,
The light through the trees on a sunny day,
The bright red barns,
And the beautiful farms,
Are all a sight to see!
But the best, by far, is the bright blue sky,
With the glittering stars at night!
You may prefer the city,
With its sparkling lights all blue,
That is fine with me,
But, I will not be there with you,
For I am going to the country!
My sentiments exactly.
This poem is very good in that it gives one feel and then caries that same feel without turning to astray to another throughout its entirety, growing ever stronger and stronger. The one problem with this poem is that it is a little to prose-y in some parts. You use a lot of slant rhyme which is excellent, but where you don’t have slant rhyme or just normal rhyme, there isn’t much patter. One thing you can do is just add more rhyme, slant or no slant. The main thing though, is to work on the meter or rhythm of the lines.
Here are a few examples of how you could smooth out the edges of your poem and give it better rhythm.
Change, “Oh no! The city is not for me!” to “Oh no, the city’s not for me” Taking out that extra syllable really helps. Apostrophes are your best friend in poetry. Also, the “Oh no” sounds a bit jarring, but I’m to lazy to think of an alternative right now.
“All is authentic.” This line really breaks the flow of things. Not to mention that the narrator has been describing what he/she will see and this breaks that pattern. What you will probably want to do is completely change this line to say the same thing but with a “show, don’t tell” approach. For example:
“Simple men of turf
In love with their position”Change, “The soft, brown fur of the bunny!” to something like, “gentle cotton bunny”
That’s the type of stuff I’m getting at. Note that my “suggestions” for replacment aren’t necessarily suggested. They’re just there to help you see how you could develop a better flow.
And one last thing. Don’t use so many exclamation points. Save them for the really climatic climaxes of ecstasy.
🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢
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