Home Forums Other Art Forms Poetry Poetry Critiques "A Couple of Birds" poem

This topic contains 9 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Mallory O’Bier 9 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #24916

    Mallory O’Bier
    @overcomer
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 508

    Hey guys,

    Here is a silly little poem I wrote a while back. I’d love to know what you think of it, whether you have any ideas for improvements, etc. I’m just calling it “A Couple of Birds” for now, but if you think of a more appropriate title let me know. πŸ™‚

    Thanks! πŸ™‚

    P.S. (Just be honest and say so if you don’t like it. I value your feedback.) πŸ™‚

    “A Couple of Birds”

    By Mallory O’Bier

    Today I was regaled
    By the voices of Mr. and Mrs. Bird
    They sang the prettiest air
    I have ever heard

    I should have liked to have learned it
    Only I couldn’t understand a word
    When their song was done I clapped
    But thus their displeasure incurred

    They flew off refusing me an encore
    So rapidly their wings whirred
    ‘Til they were lost among the trees
    And I looked after them feeling absurd

    I’m going to tag a few people. If you’re too busy to reply or don’t want to critique poetry, that’s okay. You won’t hurt my feelings. πŸ˜‰ If you weren’t tagged but want to join in, go for it! πŸ™‚

    @kate-flournoy , @daeus , @hope , @jess , @gretald , @winter-rose , @dragon-snapper

    #24917

    Gabrielle
    @winter-rose
    • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
    • Total Posts: 1302

    @overcomer that’s so cute! I think the last paragraph is lacking (the last line wasn’t working for me) but I’m not a poet so perhaps someone who knows what they are talking about can give a better, more educated opinion. πŸ™‚ I like it though. πŸ™‚

    I WILL survive college. Probably. https://thegreatrisingpuzzlement.wordpress.com/

    #24920

    Daeus
    @daeus
    • Rank: Chosen One
    • Total Posts: 3899

    @overcomer It’s a nice poem. I did feel that the following lines were a bit bumpy, but otherwise thumbs up.

    I should have liked to have learned it
    But thus their displeasure incurred
    And I looked after them feeling absurd

    #24921

    Dragon Snapper
    @dragon-snapper
    • Rank: Chosen One
    • Total Posts: 2691

    @overcomer Very nice! I’ve been hearing birds like that all week, and I love it! I’m glad you were able to show that in this poem. πŸ˜€

    *melts chair*

    #24922

    Mallory O’Bier
    @overcomer
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 508

    Thanks, @dragon-snapper ! I’m glad you liked it. πŸ™‚

    @winter-rose , what about that last verse doesn’t work for you? Do you think it’s disjointed?

    Hmm … they are a bit on the bumpy side, @daeus . Do you think they could be tweaked and made better? If you have any thoughts on that I’d appreciate it. The hardest part for me when it comes to editing poems … is editing.

    I can usually tell they are lacking, sometimes even what they’re missing, but how to actually fix them is the part I struggle with. I usually wind up just staring at them. πŸ˜‰

    #24923

    Kate Flournoy
    @kate-flournoy
    • Rank: Chosen One
    • Total Posts: 3824

    @overcomer I think it’s adorable and hilarious. It also has some flow problems. The big thing is probably that all of the verses seem to follow a different rhythm, which disconnects them and messes with the ‘oneness’ πŸ˜› of the poem. I would say pick one rhythm and go with it.

    INFP. As weird as you think I am, and then some. https://kateeverythingwriting.wordpress.com/

    #24926

    Mallory O’Bier
    @overcomer
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 508

    Thanks, @kate-flournoy . πŸ™‚

    Sticking with one rhythm is a good idea, but I probably won’t be able to rewrite it that completely. :/ Still, I’ll see what I can do. πŸ™‚

    In a way, three stanzas that each have their own rhythm is a type of rhythm if they have a connection. Maybe if I tweak them a bit it’ll fix the flow problem.

    If not, then I’m not too worried about it. Not every poem is meant to be published. This one probably just isn’t good enough. That was one reason why I wanted to show it to you guys, to see if it was worth polishing up or not.

    #24938

    Gabrielle
    @winter-rose
    • Rank: Eccentric Mentor
    • Total Posts: 1302

    @overcomer Yes, I think it is a little disjointed. That’s probably what I felt.

    I WILL survive college. Probably. https://thegreatrisingpuzzlement.wordpress.com/

    #24939

    Ingrid
    @ingridrd
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 406

    Great poem, @overcomer. I echo what everyone else said, but I noticed a few things in the last stanza.

    They flew off refusing me an encore
    So rapidly their wings whirred
    β€˜Til they were lost among the trees
    And I looked after them feeling absurd

    Maybe cut out “and” in the last line. I feel like “refusing me an encore” could be first so that it would say, “Refusing me an encore, they flew off” (or maybe “away” would sound better). If you don’t like that idea, just ignore me. πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜›
    Anyway, great job! πŸ™‚

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 3 weeks ago by  Ingrid.

    A dreamer who believes in the impossible...and dragons. (INFJ-T)

    #24941

    Mallory O’Bier
    @overcomer
    • Rank: Knight in Shining Armor
    • Total Posts: 508

    Thanks, @winter-rose . I think you’re right. πŸ™‚

    Those are good ideas, @ingridrd ! I’ll definitely give them and try and see. Thanks! πŸ™‚

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