KP Critiques – 26

We are so delighted to be presenting you with our twenty-sixth installment of KP Critiques!! All of you amazing subscribers who have submitted your work for us to critique, THANK YOU!!! Through your courage you have provided us with substantial material, as well as aided in sharing wisdom to fellow writers. Receiving constructive criticism is never easy, but it’s necessary to grow as a writer!  digitallyblind

So please continue flooding us with your wonderful critiques!

Today’s submission is an excerpt from Sarah Lim’s short story, Digitally Blind

The incredible submission!

The package was addressed to a Miss Lunaeira Evans who lived somewhere on the outskirts of the city. Job Holt, thirty-seven years old and still of no considerable mark in life, fingered absently at the wrapping twine and set the package down on the seat next to him.

“fingered absently at the wrapping twine” A little awkward to read.

Postman. Archaic term for a now highly advanced technological role in society. Every day Job filtered through the endless influx of mind-messages. Instant intrigue here! Statistically speaking, one in every thousand mind-messages was reportable. But reporting the treason never gave him any extra income—it was all part of the job. What earned extra revenue would be those once-in-a-blue-moon physical packages, such as the one addressed to Miss Lunaeira Evans. Even then, not every physical delivery was as lucrative as what could be dug out of the trip. [Read more…]

KP Critiques – 25

With overwhelming delight we are proud to be presenting you with the 25th installment of KP Critiques!! We enjoy all of the effort and willingness from each and every one of you who has participated. We know the great courage it took for you to submit your work to scrutiny and we thank you abundantly! Keep ’em coming! We love your critique submissions. Even if you’ve already sent one in, don’t hesitate to submit another one!  chosen

Thank you Kate for providing us with this awesome submission!

‘Edsel glanced sideways at the king and studied him searchingly from beneath half lowered eyelids. “You are afraid,” he remarked after a moment, the tiniest smile touching his lips. But it was not a warm smile— rather the touch of some new chill upon a frostbitten face of stone.

What if you cut out the “but it was not a warm smile, rather” (for one it breaks up the flow of the story) and just said, “touching his lips. Like the touch of some new chill…” ?

“What is it you fear? Is it me? Or is it something having to do with the war?

This sounds immature for a man to say.

Or perhaps you doubt your own fitness to lead so great a venture.”

This fits better.
[Read more…]

KP Critiques – 24

We’re back with another critique! Thank you all so much for having the courage to send them in! We know it’s never easy to have your writing critiqued, let alone shared for the benefit of others. That takes guts! But we also know that receiving critiques from others is one of the THE BEST ways to grow and improve. Constructive criticism is invaluable! sorcerersdaughterfb

This submission is an excerpt from Greta and Ingrid Dornbirer’s novel, The Sorcerer’s Daughter.

The Critiqued Submission!

“From what I’ve been told, they [my parents] died when I was an infant.

Don’t use brackets in writing in general (parentheses are a better choice), and neither parentheses nor brackets should be used in direct dialogue quotes.  Since you’re trying to quote exactly what they said here, parentheses or brackets are distracting and remove the reader from the direct flow of the narrative.

No one knows how, when, or where.  Miss Gertrude, that’s the owner of the last orphanage I lived at, said they were criminals, and that it’s possible they were executed by the government.   I don’t believe her, though.  She was always trying to make my life miserable.”  I had a sudden thought. “Do you think the reason Sheryn is so mean is because she misses her parents?” [Read more…]

KP Critiques – 23

We are so delighted to be presenting you with our twenty-third installment of KP Critiques!! All of you amazing subscribers who have submitted your work for us to critique, THANK YOU!!! Through your courage you have provided us with substantial material, as well as aided in sharing wisdom to fellow writers. Receiving constructive criticism is never easy, but it’s necessary to grow as a writer!  tobefreefb

So please continue flooding us with your wonderful critiques!

Today’s submission is an excerpt from Tatiana’s novel, To Be Free. 

The Critique

To Be Free 

“Asbee, I have come to expect more from you. I trust you won’t let this happen again,” a round, stern-faced man declared, looking down his nose at his young daughter. “Next time, I guarantee, there will be consequences. Do you understand?”

Hmm. Now I want to know what she did.

The girl bowed her auburn head and meekly answered, “Yes, sir.”

“Good!” her father said, suddenly smiling. “Mr. Jacob, we may proceed,” turning to a balding, hawk-nosed man standing to his right.

“Of course, sir. Miss Asbee, may I escort you out?” [Read more…]

KP Critiques – 22

With overwhelming delight we are proud to be presenting you with the 22nd installment of KP Critiques!! We enjoy all of the effort and willingness from each and every one of you who has participated. We know the great courage it took for you to submit your work to scrutiny and we thank you abundantly! Keep ’em coming! We love your critique submissions. Even if you’ve already sent one in, don’t hesitate to submit another one!  amongwolvesfb

Thank you Kenya for providing today’s critique!

 

“Ok. Two minutes. That’s it. Two minutes, and then you and Josh get out there. Ok?” Crouching behind a parked car, Stürm outlined her plan for two of her closest friends, Blue and Josh. Josh nodded. He pulled a bag of skittles from his pocket and began chewing on a handful.

Blue whispered. “What are you going to be doing?”

Stürm looked at him out the corner of her reddish-brown eyes. Loose strands of black hair from her ponytail stuck to the sweat on her face.  “I’ll be going first.” She slipped around the rear bumper of the car, and stood up.

At the other side of the alley were three other teens, a pair of boys, and a girl. All wore black vests over dark grey shirts with black jeans. One of the boys stood slightly in front of the others and he wore silver chains on his pockets and black gloves.

This might flow easier if it was written as, ‘One of the boys stood slightly in front of the others, wearing silver chains on his pockets and black gloves.’ Or something along those lines.

He had a loose hood on that was pulled up over his head and the shadow from it fell partially over his face. [Read more…]

KP Critiques – 21

We’re back with another critique! Thank you all so much for having the courage to send them in! We know it’s never easy to have your writing critiqued, let alone shared for the benefit of others. That takes guts! But we also know that receiving critiques from others is one of the THE BEST ways to grow and improve. Constructive criticism is invaluable! KP Critiques Post 2

This submission is an excerpt from Tessa’s novel, Princess Tess and the Perfect Story.  

The Critiqued Submission

 

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful princess. Which is how all good princess stories should start. She was as gentle as a lamb, as graceful as a dove and as rich as, well, as rich as could be. She had hundreds of suitors and was madly in love with only one of them.

Interesting way to start a story. I like it!

“No I’m not.”

“Excuse me, who are you?”

“I am the royal princess.”

“Well, I am the writer so I choose how the story goes.” Huh.

“Your story is sooo silly. Next you’ll be writing that the princess, that’s me, told her royal mama and her royal papa that she, that’s me,

I don’t think you necessarily need this one here. We know who she is. Now if that is just who she is as a character then that’s understandable too.

was going to marry that dashing fellow and then we, that’s the royal we, Haha! get married and live happily ever after.” [Read more…]

KP Critiques – 20

We are so delighted to be presenting you with our twentieth installment of KP Critiques!! All of you amazing subscribers who have submitted your work for us to critique, THANK YOU!!! Through your courage you have provided us with substantial material, as well as aided in sharing wisdom to fellow writers. Receiving constructive criticism is never easy, but it’s necessary to grow as a writer! KP Critiques Post 1
So please continue flooding us with your wonderful critiques!

Thank you Faith for this amazing critique! 

Letter from…Who?

Lanx’s eyes opened as she felt the sun’s warm rays glow across her face. She turned her head to the window.  Rubbing her tired eyes, she slowly crawled out of her warm bed and stretched.

Monday: the worst day of the week had come again.

Kicking away the clothes and magazines that littered the floor, she quickly found a green T-shirt and a pair of blue jeans, and threw them on. After running a comb through her dirty-blonde hair, she turned to leave. But as she did, she heard soft whine coming from the end of her bed.

“Oops. Sorry, Samson. I forgot about you didn’t I?” Samson, a three year old black lab, wagged his tail hard against the bottom of his crate, waiting patiently to be let out. [Read more…]

KP Critiques – 19

We give you our nineteenth installment of KP Critiques! We greatly appreciate the willingness of our subscribers to subject their work underneath our editor’s scrutiny. While critiques are necessary and greatly beneficial, it’s never easy to put your work out there for all to see, and for it to be publicly critiqued. Thank you for having the courage to partake of this daring endeavor! KP Critiques Post 3
(Our editors really aren’t that scary.)

The Submission! 

The trailer stood behind the rusty and semi-abandoned gas station, a red station wagon straight out of three generations ago pulled into a parking space beneath a flickering and dim streetlamp. The remainder of the strip mall remained as the gas station – lonely, empty, and overly-staffed considering the town.

Over yonder was, across the crumbling asphalt, a pumpkin patch and a corn field, and further than that was a line of houses with chipped white fences and little plots of red poppies in their yards.

It truly was a quaint town and deserved nothing as devastating as this to happen to it. But, things don’t always work out fairly, do they? That’s why we’re here, that’s why you’re reading this. Because the things in this small New York town did not work out fair and square.

She stole across the lonesome and empty street, something clutched to her heavily rising and falling chest. A strand of her white-blonde hair poked out from beneath her hood, but in that moment she was too determined to notice. She dodged behind the gas station and pressed her back against the slimy cinderblock walls. Then, she evaluated the object in her hand, the object that looked threateningly like a knife, before slipping it under her belt and pulling a cotton ski mask over her face.  [Read more…]

KP Critiques – 18

We’re back with another critique! Thank you all so much for having the courage to send them in! We know it’s never easy to have your writing critiqued, let alone shared for the benefit of others. That takes guts! But we also know that receiving critiques from others is one of the THE BEST ways to grow and improve. Constructive criticism is invaluable!

This submission is an excerpt from Greta and Ingrid’s novel, The Sorcerer’s Daughter.  KP Critiques Post 2

The Critique

 

Prologue 

Princess Eldora tiptoed out of her room and down the palace staircase, careful not to step on the creaking stair.  As she neared the landing, the yelling became more distinct.  Eldora could just make out what the voices were saying.

“Mercellyz, please.  None of this is our fault.  Father was the one who deemed you unfit to rule.  You chose a different path; he chose this one for me.”

It was her father, King Theron, who had spoken.  A cruel, vengeful voice broke into the conversation.

“I was the firstborn!  I was the rightful heir, but father destroyed my potential.”

“You destroyed your own potential when you started toying with dark magic.  You’re—”

A lot of this dialogue here seems info-dumpish.  Both of them already know all of this information, so you’re going to need to do a more subtle job of working in these facts into the dialogue in order to keep the dialogue from sounding like it was just written for the purpose of the reader.  Focus more on how their argument would naturally progress and then work from there. [Read more…]

KP Critiques – 17

Here today we present to you, fine ladies and gentlemen, our seventeenth installment of KP Critiques!
We thank all of you for the flood of critiques we have received! It’s lovely to witness the rise of courageous writers who are willing to submit their work to be analyzed and critiqued. It’s never easy to  put your work out there for all to see, but by doing so you are benefiting more writers as well as growing as a writer!KP Critiques Post 1

This submission is an excerpt from C.B.’s novel, I Love Cake.

Thank you C.B. for this amazing submission!

I’m unsure about the current title for the story. Most people are probably going to look at it and think it’s a book about someone who really likes to eat cake. Once they start reading, it’s clear what the title means, but you may want to have a title that would be more likely to tell readers what the book’s about.
The first thing I remember of the day I met Cake was that my mom let me have the last strawberry Popsicle. I skipped outside to enjoy my treat in the bright July sun, and to do some investigating.
Unsure about if this opening works. The phrase “remember of the day,” is kind-of awkwardly worded and could probably use some refinement. In addition, while I like what you’re doing, it seems like the first thing she remembers should be something more important and foreshadowing for the rest of the chapter at least, and not just the strawberry Popsicle.

The day before, new people had moved in next door. They were a grumpy looking couple, and unfortunately had come alone. No kids, no pets, nothing interesting. But still, my curiosity was aroused, since none of us had seen them since, and no one answered the door when my mom went over to welcome them. [Read more…]