KP Critiques – 29

We are so delighted to be presenting you with our twenty-ninth installment of KP Critiques!! All of you amazing subscribers who have submitted your work for us to critique, THANK YOU!!! Through your courage you have provided us with substantial material, as well as aided in sharing wisdom to fellow writers. Receiving constructive criticism is never easy, but it’s necessary to grow as a writer!  annassavanna

So please continue flooding us with your wonderful critiques!

Thank you Tessa for this awesome submission!

Have you ever wanted to say that you have owned the weirdest pet in the world? A pet that no one else has owned before? A pet that makes people envy you? I have. I am a typical teenager living in a typical flat in a typical city. Boring. My name is Anna. Boring. I have straight brown hair. Boring. And nothing exciting ever happens to me. But one day that all changed.

I get what you’re trying to do here, but the repetition of boring here and then usual below is a bit much.  I recommend cutting out most of them and trying to work it in a subtler way.

One day my Dad came home from work and sat down on the couch. Usual. He picked up the paper lying on the arm beside him. Usual. But he didn’t open it, just stared off into the distance. Ok, not usual. Mum didn’t notice anything wrong until we were seated at the dinner table eating spaghetti bolognese. That is, Mum and I were. Dad just pushed it round his plate. Finally Mum realized something was up. She looked up at Dad. She looked down at the food. She looked back up at Dad. [Read more…]

KP Critiques – 28

We’re back with another critique! Thank you all so much for having the courage to send them in! We know it’s never easy to have your writing critiqued, let alone shared for the benefit of others. That takes guts! But we also know that receiving critiques from others is one of the THE BEST ways to grow and improve. Constructive criticism is invaluable! bondage

Today’s submission is an excerpt from Tessa’s novel, Bondage

Thank you so much Tessa for this awesome excerpt! 

 

‘Swish. Swish. Swish.’ The sound of straw being moved, filled the longhouse. Katrina, an attractive fifteen year old, blinked as a burst of sun filled the gloomy inside.

Describing Katrina as an attractive fifteen year old doesn’t work for a couple reasons.  First, it appears that this scene is being written from Katrina’s POV, and I find it hard to believe that she would describe herself like that. =P Second, this kind of thing works a lot better if you show the reader this rather than tell them.  Describe the dimples in her cheeks, the flow of her hair, the way that she smiles, or whatever it is that makes her attractive in order to bring this across to the reader.

A tall boy grinned down at her through the hole in the roof and teasingly dropped a few strands of straw into her hair. She glared up at him.

“You’d have been sorry if I’d been making your meal here,” she scolded. “Can’t you give us some warning next time?”

The boy, Lang, laughed good-naturedly. “I told you that Miska and I were replacing the thatch today. You should have chosen to do something outside.” He turned and looked at the other boy working behind him. [Read more…]

KP Critiques – 27

We give you our twenty-seventh installment of KP Critiques! We greatly appreciate the willingness of our subscribers to subject their work underneath our editor’s scrutiny. While critiques are necessary and greatly beneficial, it’s never easy to put your work out there for all to see, and for it to be publicly critiqued. Thank you for having the courage to partake of this daring endeavor! journeymaldroc
(Our editors really aren’t that scary.)

 

Journey to Maldroc

Levi Pierpont

 

Gavryn awoke to his sister, Autumn, shaking his arm. “Gavryn, it’s time to go to school!” She cried. “We could be late!”

“Sorry, Autumn… just… really… tired.” He replied, his voice groggy and shaky. He got out of bed and found his school things, put them in his backpack, and walked down the hall to eat breakfast. He was always quick at getting ready.

“Gavryn, can you take the trash out to the incinerator? Josyia already left for school.”

Incinerator. Interesting.

“Sure thing, Mom.” Gavryn replied. He needed a minute away from others to think.

“Thank you, Gav.” She replied. [Read more…]

KP Critiques – 26

We are so delighted to be presenting you with our twenty-sixth installment of KP Critiques!! All of you amazing subscribers who have submitted your work for us to critique, THANK YOU!!! Through your courage you have provided us with substantial material, as well as aided in sharing wisdom to fellow writers. Receiving constructive criticism is never easy, but it’s necessary to grow as a writer!  digitallyblind

So please continue flooding us with your wonderful critiques!

Today’s submission is an excerpt from Sarah Lim’s short story, Digitally Blind

The incredible submission!

The package was addressed to a Miss Lunaeira Evans who lived somewhere on the outskirts of the city. Job Holt, thirty-seven years old and still of no considerable mark in life, fingered absently at the wrapping twine and set the package down on the seat next to him.

“fingered absently at the wrapping twine” A little awkward to read.

Postman. Archaic term for a now highly advanced technological role in society. Every day Job filtered through the endless influx of mind-messages. Instant intrigue here! Statistically speaking, one in every thousand mind-messages was reportable. But reporting the treason never gave him any extra income—it was all part of the job. What earned extra revenue would be those once-in-a-blue-moon physical packages, such as the one addressed to Miss Lunaeira Evans. Even then, not every physical delivery was as lucrative as what could be dug out of the trip. [Read more…]

KP Critiques – 25

With overwhelming delight we are proud to be presenting you with the 25th installment of KP Critiques!! We enjoy all of the effort and willingness from each and every one of you who has participated. We know the great courage it took for you to submit your work to scrutiny and we thank you abundantly! Keep ’em coming! We love your critique submissions. Even if you’ve already sent one in, don’t hesitate to submit another one!  chosen

Thank you Kate for providing us with this awesome submission!

‘Edsel glanced sideways at the king and studied him searchingly from beneath half lowered eyelids. “You are afraid,” he remarked after a moment, the tiniest smile touching his lips. But it was not a warm smile— rather the touch of some new chill upon a frostbitten face of stone.

What if you cut out the “but it was not a warm smile, rather” (for one it breaks up the flow of the story) and just said, “touching his lips. Like the touch of some new chill…” ?

“What is it you fear? Is it me? Or is it something having to do with the war?

This sounds immature for a man to say.

Or perhaps you doubt your own fitness to lead so great a venture.”

This fits better.
[Read more…]

KP Critiques – 24

We’re back with another critique! Thank you all so much for having the courage to send them in! We know it’s never easy to have your writing critiqued, let alone shared for the benefit of others. That takes guts! But we also know that receiving critiques from others is one of the THE BEST ways to grow and improve. Constructive criticism is invaluable! sorcerersdaughterfb

This submission is an excerpt from Greta and Ingrid Dornbirer’s novel, The Sorcerer’s Daughter.

The Critiqued Submission!

“From what I’ve been told, they [my parents] died when I was an infant.

Don’t use brackets in writing in general (parentheses are a better choice), and neither parentheses nor brackets should be used in direct dialogue quotes.  Since you’re trying to quote exactly what they said here, parentheses or brackets are distracting and remove the reader from the direct flow of the narrative.

No one knows how, when, or where.  Miss Gertrude, that’s the owner of the last orphanage I lived at, said they were criminals, and that it’s possible they were executed by the government.   I don’t believe her, though.  She was always trying to make my life miserable.”  I had a sudden thought. “Do you think the reason Sheryn is so mean is because she misses her parents?” [Read more…]

KP Critiques – 23

We are so delighted to be presenting you with our twenty-third installment of KP Critiques!! All of you amazing subscribers who have submitted your work for us to critique, THANK YOU!!! Through your courage you have provided us with substantial material, as well as aided in sharing wisdom to fellow writers. Receiving constructive criticism is never easy, but it’s necessary to grow as a writer!  tobefreefb

So please continue flooding us with your wonderful critiques!

Today’s submission is an excerpt from Tatiana’s novel, To Be Free. 

The Critique

To Be Free 

“Asbee, I have come to expect more from you. I trust you won’t let this happen again,” a round, stern-faced man declared, looking down his nose at his young daughter. “Next time, I guarantee, there will be consequences. Do you understand?”

Hmm. Now I want to know what she did.

The girl bowed her auburn head and meekly answered, “Yes, sir.”

“Good!” her father said, suddenly smiling. “Mr. Jacob, we may proceed,” turning to a balding, hawk-nosed man standing to his right.

“Of course, sir. Miss Asbee, may I escort you out?” [Read more…]

KP Critiques – 22

With overwhelming delight we are proud to be presenting you with the 22nd installment of KP Critiques!! We enjoy all of the effort and willingness from each and every one of you who has participated. We know the great courage it took for you to submit your work to scrutiny and we thank you abundantly! Keep ’em coming! We love your critique submissions. Even if you’ve already sent one in, don’t hesitate to submit another one!  amongwolvesfb

Thank you Kenya for providing today’s critique!

 

“Ok. Two minutes. That’s it. Two minutes, and then you and Josh get out there. Ok?” Crouching behind a parked car, Stürm outlined her plan for two of her closest friends, Blue and Josh. Josh nodded. He pulled a bag of skittles from his pocket and began chewing on a handful.

Blue whispered. “What are you going to be doing?”

Stürm looked at him out the corner of her reddish-brown eyes. Loose strands of black hair from her ponytail stuck to the sweat on her face.  “I’ll be going first.” She slipped around the rear bumper of the car, and stood up.

At the other side of the alley were three other teens, a pair of boys, and a girl. All wore black vests over dark grey shirts with black jeans. One of the boys stood slightly in front of the others and he wore silver chains on his pockets and black gloves.

This might flow easier if it was written as, ‘One of the boys stood slightly in front of the others, wearing silver chains on his pockets and black gloves.’ Or something along those lines.

He had a loose hood on that was pulled up over his head and the shadow from it fell partially over his face. [Read more…]

KP Critiques – 21

We’re back with another critique! Thank you all so much for having the courage to send them in! We know it’s never easy to have your writing critiqued, let alone shared for the benefit of others. That takes guts! But we also know that receiving critiques from others is one of the THE BEST ways to grow and improve. Constructive criticism is invaluable! KP Critiques Post 2

This submission is an excerpt from Tessa’s novel, Princess Tess and the Perfect Story.  

The Critiqued Submission

 

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful princess. Which is how all good princess stories should start. She was as gentle as a lamb, as graceful as a dove and as rich as, well, as rich as could be. She had hundreds of suitors and was madly in love with only one of them.

Interesting way to start a story. I like it!

“No I’m not.”

“Excuse me, who are you?”

“I am the royal princess.”

“Well, I am the writer so I choose how the story goes.” Huh.

“Your story is sooo silly. Next you’ll be writing that the princess, that’s me, told her royal mama and her royal papa that she, that’s me,

I don’t think you necessarily need this one here. We know who she is. Now if that is just who she is as a character then that’s understandable too.

was going to marry that dashing fellow and then we, that’s the royal we, Haha! get married and live happily ever after.” [Read more…]

KP Critiques – 20

We are so delighted to be presenting you with our twentieth installment of KP Critiques!! All of you amazing subscribers who have submitted your work for us to critique, THANK YOU!!! Through your courage you have provided us with substantial material, as well as aided in sharing wisdom to fellow writers. Receiving constructive criticism is never easy, but it’s necessary to grow as a writer! KP Critiques Post 1
So please continue flooding us with your wonderful critiques!

Thank you Faith for this amazing critique! 

Letter from…Who?

Lanx’s eyes opened as she felt the sun’s warm rays glow across her face. She turned her head to the window.  Rubbing her tired eyes, she slowly crawled out of her warm bed and stretched.

Monday: the worst day of the week had come again.

Kicking away the clothes and magazines that littered the floor, she quickly found a green T-shirt and a pair of blue jeans, and threw them on. After running a comb through her dirty-blonde hair, she turned to leave. But as she did, she heard soft whine coming from the end of her bed.

“Oops. Sorry, Samson. I forgot about you didn’t I?” Samson, a three year old black lab, wagged his tail hard against the bottom of his crate, waiting patiently to be let out. [Read more…]